Have you danced with a duckstack in the pale moonlight
By the time you read this, I will already be dead. If you're reading this in the year 23001. You of the future, how I envy you. Though I have departed, my legacy lives on in you. You have far more Duckstacks than me. This terrible imbalance cannot go unrectified. I’m coming for you. Just a few thousand Duckstacks to go.
Talking Heads
Yours and mine
One of my earliest frustrations with language was a in junior high, where a friend made it his “thing” to constantly drop “that's what she said” jokes. I had no idea what he was even doing at the time because despite my growing libido I figured sex was something sacred and I didn’t associate it with jokes and vulgarity, and I didn’t even “get” the jokes for like 4 months, I just thought he was being annoying and repeating some line from some stupid TV show, which in retrospect he probably was. I have never been wrong about anything in my entire life.
The joke format goes like this: You say something mundane and boring such as “I’m hot”, and then your annoying punk friend goes “That’s what she said!” implying a woman saying the phrase but in a sexual context. This carries the basics of humor because it subverts expectations, and takes you somewhere you didn’t think it was going. For months I think, he didn’t say any other words but “that’s what she said”, he was like a pokemon
I learned very quickly that sex is a universal subject, and he could append this onto anything, and interject it into any conversation. There was no way for me to talk about anything meaningful without the conversation suddenly being about sex, and that’s when I started hitting him. Through this process we negotiated a truce where instead of saying it he would loudly smirk, and everyone would know he was thinking it, but we would be allowed to actually keep the conversation going and eventually we both grew up mostly.
Basically I learned a couple things, one of which is that English is fatally flawed in that it allows the other person to interpret what you say however they want. Real language would let you force your ideas onto people correctly. Instead you have this double blind game of charades where the word “rock” might be triggering to someone and they think you’re talking about Cain murdering Abel and freak out, rendering all communication worthless. Now that I am older, I think think this is probably something God designed at babel in order to create an environment where trust is more meaningful.
The whole affair gave me a somewhat permanent distaste for crude humor- when I realized how broad it can be it made sex jokes seem just… talentless. Not that they can’t be witty just the floor is so low that they usually aren’t. It doesn’t take a lot of work to make a sex joke, which not only can be made regarding just about any subject, but the irreverence factor will guarantee you some level of immature chuckles. Basically its the easiest type of humor there is, if you’re willing to swallow your decorum for it. But I have always viewed swallowing your decorum as equivalent to selling your soul.
Parable: The Sparrow and the crow
There’s the status chasers and there’s the status chasers chasers
Once upon the time, there was a beautiful crow, and a majestic sparrow, who had a parasocial relationship on social media, and the sparrow thought the crow was clever and elegant. The sparrow approached the foot of the crow’s tree and asked, “Crow, what must I do to be like you?”
The crow took this request seriously. After some thought, he instructed the sparrow: “you must paint yourself black, and caw instead of tweet. Also, wear lots of leather, and maybe… spikes?”
The crow took this to heart. He swam in paint, learned to tweet in a sort of caw-ish sort of way, and started shopping at hot topic. He worried he stuck out like a sore thumb, and he was right.
Just when it seemed all hope was lost, there was a bird competition and one of the human announcers said “hey look everyone, check out this sparrow that's pretending to be a crow, its way cooler than a normal one”. Thus the sparrow failed to achieve his dream.
The end.
Memorize This:
or it could be fatal
soggy with sin
perfectly manicured hair
two interlaced phone books worth of springing power
History
This week, my toddler learned a valuable lesson about putting things up his nose
Jethro sleepytalk: “"you cannot have eyeballs if you just pop them out. We could not watch iPad. You would have to get new children" child what
I ended up climbing into the toddlers bed when he was having a rough night and spent the rest of the sleep ith not a child but a spinning rotor drill trying desperately to enter my neck
The toddler, getting ready to eat, talking to his food: “A yellow banana? Yay, you look so great! come on out!”
My wife was trying to sing the toddler a lullabye but he kept interrupting her. She’d go “mamas gonna buy you a mockingbird.” and he would stop her and insist “No, PAPA. PAPA buy a mottinbird”
My four year old Jethro begged for one of those fake tattoo stamps. He very carefully selected his favorite:
The toddler told us he wants: blue berries, and raspberries, and strawberries, and grape berries.
My wife flopped on the couch, and the toddler asked her “mama, are you so tired?” And then he jumped off the couch and ran in a bunch of circles really fast then flopped on the couch and declared “I so tired too.”
"Santa has a white beard, and Papa has a brown beard. I'm trying to grow a beard too" "oh yeah? And how's that going for you?” "not good"
we thought the toddler was chanting “cook your family” but after a few minutes it turned out to be cotton candy
DUCKSTACK CRIME
Debuting a new semi-regular section, we will be occasionally posting our efforts to clamp down on the rank lawlessness that has been overwhelming The Duckstack lately, in our minds. We hope these reports will bring our readers ease and comfort
Aaron was caught crossing the street at the crosswalk backwards, and has been fined $30.
Ralph was found to be short of pennies at the cash register, and has been put in the duncehat corner of walmart to read duckstacks until his balance is again even.
John has squares on his car, which has been booted until he fixes it.
Nehemiah was caught using glow in the dark stickers instead of headlights, and has been ordered to replace them with either proper lights or candles.
Obediah has been caught counting to eleven, using only his fingers. His ability to count will be placed on house arrest for one month.
Gerald IIIXXXVII was chewing bubble gum without wearing a seatbelt, and has lost his bubblegum license. He can retake the test in one year.
Trade Imports - Egg Report
Our friend has talked briefly about why people think logic works, and I think its worth reading
Ducksnax
Valentine
set a timer