Trails Trying
I'm a hiker in the sky, jet trails for my path, the sun my destination. Or the moon, if I'm late.
If you eat the blue duckstack, you wake up, and are forced to believe whatever you want to believe no matter what or else. You eat the red duckstack, you’ll be turned into a duckstack yourself. The red duckstack is blueberry flavored. The blue duckstack likes jazz music. The red duckstack is beholden to no one. There is also an orange duckstack which is in the shop right now, which is a little embarrassing, so we don’t talk about that
When ancient caveman first discovered fire, he thought it was an animal- nothing else in his experience moved, not trees, not rocks. Cavemen were very brave, so the first caveman attacked the fire, bashing it with its club, biting it with its teeth, maiming it, injuring it, killing it, feasting upon the nutritious flames. He came back to camp, scarred and gorged with knowledge, and he shared what he had learned with his fellow men, of the dangers, and the glory, of defeating such a beast. The exotic taste, its burning bite. Armed with knowledge, kept by the shamans, the Tribe knew what to do when it encountered such a creature. However at some point, human society progressed from the “hunter gatherer” nomadic style to a more stationary agricultural one- At this point, the cavepeople or I guess hutpeople now, started domesticating animals left and right, dogs for hunting big, cats for hunting small, cows for milk, horses for transport, sheep for clothing1. They also domesticated fire, but for a long time didn’t know what to do with it.
Milking fire proved futile. Shearing fire for fire wool proved unprofitable. Fire was not really fast enough to hunt with2, and you couldn’t ride it. But eventually they found that you could put fire in trains and stuff and it made them better, so we’ve got fire all figured out today.
Today’s Duckstack is brought to you by: fire, in your screen.
Enjoy.
HISTORY
Ongoing medical issues to go around, ongoing cuteness that comes around
Trying to figure out a doctor appointment for the little one I ended up speaking to a secretary, who told me that I could get it all done online3 if I just set up an account, but he said he’d need to ask the patient a few questions to verify everything to set it up, at which I informed him the patient is “like 2 and not really talkative to strangers” and he was like “oh okay” and then I put the phone to the little one and said “ok talk to the man on the phone” and the little one said “nooo” and I asked the man if that was good enough and he said yes
We were getting ready for church or something similar, and called to the little one to come but he said no. When we went to ask why we found him laying in the sink and he told us its “because I’m water”
We bought a cake this week to celebrate birthdays, and the Little one was standing, holding the table, grinning, and rocking, saying things like “Happy Birthday Is Yummy”, as he does.
The little one is on a bit of light medication at the moment (for nausea), which I’ve never really cared to figure out its actual name so I’m just calling it, xanax. Which annoys my wife, because even to make his upset tummy feel better she doesn’t want to give him xanax I guess, but its doctors orders, so I’ve got her there.
Cereals, ranked
Reverse engineering nutrition from protons up and hopefully it tastes good too just mix it with milk to cover the nutritional gaps inherent to the process of fabricating wholly artificial food- a balanced breakfast5. There are no more cereals than this list, anything else you can think of is just a child of one of these archetypes.
Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Cereal: As all of my favorite foods quickly become, this cereal is discontinued. It was some sort of cornflake base with almond slivers and dark chocolate bits. It was a little expensive, but it beat out all competition with ease, and was probably even decently healthy. I would pay double just to be able to eat it again.
Captain Crunch: This unique cereal never gets old. After dedicated partaking of Captain Crunch cereal for breakfast for over a year straight, I still found myself drawn to it over other, lesser options, such as fruity pebbles. I trust my body to know what nutrients it needs, so though sugary, this is still a solid option. It comes in many varieties: colorful, or yellow. This is the little one’s favorite cereal when he eats on papa’s watch (My wife feeds him oatmeal)
Oatmeal: Healthy, but you have to add stuff to it to make it edible. Even the littlest one agrees. Or was that applesauce? He’ll eat them if we mix them together, at least.
Krave: Chocolate death, this stuff is pretty delicious, but has a menthol aftertaste, which causes just the slightest twinge of guilt when I eat it too often. It used to even come with a double chocolate version, because someone at kellogs has a sense of irony.
Reeses Puffs: This is a pretty decent cereal, but it is a little greasy. I would recommend the Reeses Peanut Butter Puffs People stir their peanut butter after opening for better results. Knockoff brands for this absolutely do not work.
Corn Pops: Despite their nickname of “pops”, this cereal is not actually anyone’s father. They are kind of off brand rice crispies and they are only okay.
Cheerios: Good with kids.
Special K: The URL says it has 11 vitamins, and I see no reason not to believe it, because the cereal isn’t coated in sugar or chocolate or honey or syrup. This is a solid, tasty, guilt free choice.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch: Insane branding but mediocre taste. If you like eating cannibals, this is the cereal for you, but it isn’t one I’d return to very often.
Frosted Flakes: This is a pretty classy cereal, its honestly hard to tell if its actually healthy or not, but it tastes decent and you don’t feel bad after eating it, plus tony the tiger is an athlete or something so maybe they help you play soccer? I’m not a scientist
Pineapples Do Not Belong On Pizza
I Hope You Will Enjoy This Impassioned Bit Of Persuasive Argumentation That I Wrote A Few Years Ago
"I hate Pineapples!" I shouted at my pizza, that fateful Autumn Eve.
"We hate you too" the Pineapples replied, their eyes a wicked gleam.
A bolt, a shock, a laughing stock, my cursed forever hand
Become a spiky yellow fruit, spread horror throughout the land.
I work as a part-time villain now, spreading havoc upon my homeland as vengeance for shunning my deformity. Normal people, they lose a hand, they get a hook, a sword, a stump, y'know, something flashy and chic. Not me! I got a Pineapple. You know how hard it is to be respected when you're trying to convince someone of the efficacy of your net marketing program but your left hand is a pineapple? I used to be a salesman. Had a briefcase and everything. Would go into my regular meetings and try to set up my nice easel with charts and statistics and compelling power statements on the labor theory of value and all that, but now I have a pineapple hand. Kinda ruins the image. Its not even articulated, its just a full out pineapple.
So I go into one of these meetings, new pineapple and all, but I'm trying to put on a confident face, y'know? Sales strategies and all that. Didn't matter. My hand is a pineapple.
So now my career is ruined and I'm a common goon wandering alleys at night threatening to bash people in the face with a pineapple for small cash. Can't even cut the thing off... It just grows back. If I pull with my right hand I can pull it off, and another will grow into its place before you could even say Ananas comosus, which is its Latin name because if you're going to have a curse like this you at least need to try to make it sound respectable.
I was in a bar fight once. Slammed drunk, someone started talking smack about my citrus, and I just lost it. Started chucking pineapples everywhere. The pineapple massacre of '08. Not that anyone died, but pineapples are pretty pokey so some people definitely needed stitches. I've got a pretty good arm. Taught me to wear gloves though, whew!
I've been researching. Its tough, because libraries won't let you check out books because you'll tear them all up. Prejudiced, the lot of them. The internet is an alright place for information, but you have to go to the right source. I went to Little Ceasers website. I called their headquarters. The guy on the other end heard my story, and invited me to Italy.
Turns out this curse goes clear to Rome, back when the empire was still around. Some guy invented pizza, and it originally had pineapples on it. Then some dude stole the patent, took the pineapples off, sold it as his own, and made bank, so the first guy was pretty ticked. Now his spirit haunts and curses people who hate pineapple pizza occasionally, just to remind them that they and their anti-pineapple spirit ruined his life, so now they must suffer even as he.
I theorize that I could be cured if I could just bring myself, to like pineapple pizza, but... No. Forget that. Stuff's nasty. Ain't worth it.
The end.
Genre Genomes
Historically music has fit into nice boxes - pop, rock, punk, classical, country.
But now we’ve got finnish neo-fascist hardstyle black techno disco metal
I’m reliably informed prior to the domestication of sheep cavemen wore rocks as clothes
selective breeding has changed this significantly
Surprised he didn’t just tell me over the phone that he was holding up a QR code that I should scan, those things are everywhere these days
Horoscopes
Eat standing up, on one foot, for maximum nutritional value