Balloon Animism

I've been taught by master circus shamans to use unicycle entrails to divine

Telephone Sheep by Jean Luc Cornec

No real animals were harmed in the production of this week’s duckstack.

Welcome readers, we have arrived at our destination, and our destination today is the zoo! It is still under construction, but do not worry, we’ve got a clown churning out inflated animals at breakneck¹ speed, filling up exhibits just in the nick of time before you arrive at each one. Hopefully he did his finger stretches beforehand and doesn’t run out of ideas!

History

Did you know there’s nothing stopping the city from just repaving the road in front of your house and not letting you leave?

Did you know there’s nothing stopping my child from sleeping with his bicycle every night?²

Did you know that Deja-vu is glimpses of possible scenes for your earth life your Heavenly Father gave you before you came to earth? I very believe this³. Sometimes during stronger deja-vu I have perfect foreknowledge of what’s going to happen in the next five seconds, but I think there’s a celestial reason deja-vu is time-limited⁴. Anyway, I was lazily washing the dishes the other day, and I experienced a weaker bout of deja-vu. I immediately started washing the dishes with renewed vigor- “Don’t want my past self thinking I was going to come down and get a body and then become a slacker!” is what I thought. Which means while past me was observing present me, present me was communicating with past me, which must have been a hecka surreal experience for myself in the past. I love myself.

STOP SUMMONING DEMONS

⁵Human resources was invented⁶ to destroy relationships.

Pretend you’re an HR egregore. Since there’s a $100 million dollar cash prize for being racially discriminated against, you can imagine there are a lot of bounty hunters out there. They are all after your juicy, succulent HR fat. Your peons are all liabilities and you have no incentive to care about them, and the peasants keep making blunders that allow the butchers to carve tender meat chunks from your delicious flanks. What do you do? You can’t get rid of the humans, because they’re the only reason you exist, you being an eldritch entity manifested from their subconscious and given a corporate husk to inhabit. No, your only option is to control the peons, and the stricter you corral their actions and conversation to conform to only the most sterile of business interests, the safer you are! You aren’t evil you see, you’re constrained by your position. Fae rules.⁷

This is what we replaced duels with.

ANIMAL FACTS

The duckstack is pleased to present to you this carefully curated collection of exotic animal facts.

• Flowers release nectar in response to a hummingbird's heartbeat. And in response to being eaten. Flowers have excellent sonar.

• Grasshoppers create music by rubbing their legs together. One leg has hundreds of extremely dexterous hairs called stridulators. The other leg contains a tiny keyboard.

• sharks regrow their teeth many times throughout their life. When one tooth falls out, the next rotates in from behind it, like corn on the cob. Each shark has as many teeth as there are people on the earth⁸. A tooth falls out each time a person dies.

• Chinchilla fur is some of the densest on the planet, sprouting more than 60 hairs per follicle- the fur is so dense that if it gets wet it won’t naturally dry out. The densest chinchilla fur ever recorded was 1 × 10⁵ kg/m3. That’s about 1/10th the density of a black hole!

• The sabertooth tiger (named for its resemblance to the regular tiger), went extinct many millions of years ago, when short range pistols began to see widespread use. This overwhelmed the sabertooth tiger's natural armaments.⁹

• Catfish, (named for its resemblance to the fish) have iconically long whiskers called “barbels” which are actually made of skin, not hair, which may appropriately be thought of as longggg taste buds. When a catfish licks you with them, they can taste the righteousness of your heart.

• Certain animals such as snakes shed their skin once a year, around Halloween. This is where skeletons come from.

• birds can’t fly.

• The Goliath Birdeater spider is one of the largest spiders in the world, holding the Guinness World Record at 28 cm in length and and weighing in at 170 g. That’s about¹⁰ 1/10th the size of a black hole!

What’s your favorite animal fact? Leave a comment below!

1. breaking the balloon animal's neck. Pain is how we grow

2. I’m not stopping him. I think bringing a bike to bed is probably healthy.

3. This grammar is intentional. Everything on the duckstack is intentional.

4. I watched one anime once which I don’t know if I could really recommend but the villain was a sort of demon-god character afflicted with lifelong, constant, deja-vu. His objective was to raise a hero who was more powerful than him, who could surprise him, who could beat him in combat, freeing him from his eternal curse. It was a weird convoluted schizophrenic not very well done hard to follow show but that one premise was actually pretty neat.

5. STOP SUMMONING DEMONS was an epic sentence first written by handicapstandardideology (@hndcpstd) on twitter

6. by Satan

7. Every animal is unique but if you put them in a self defense state like this, you will see decently predictable results in how they act. Is there hope? Yes, we can kill capitalism thus freeing the captive HR spirits, or maybe we can domesticate them, but it will take conscious will.

8. approximately 6 billion, teeth

9. scimitars ofc

10. approximately