Its so dark out I’m already tired, daylight savings time claims to take one hour from us but really takes six. Where does that six go? Benjamin Franklin. He’s still alive.
Duckstack Careers
Like many of you, I have a cousin who has been called to the dirt. The claw machine reached down and scooped him up one day from his desk job, and flung him out back, with nothing but the clothes on his back, his grit, and his name, to his name. He’s a wild fella, he built a tiller from twigs, and rocks, and set sail on the wild wild dirt, digging for treasure, taking up his true mantle as a potateer. Most of you are probably only familiar with the callings and stresses of the potateur, but as a prospective job seeker we want you to be aware of this exciting career possibility.
Is it lucrative?
No.
The life of a potateer is an exciting one, filled with adventure and fantasy. Before we launch into our regular features, I give you: A day in the life.
First, you wake up. You’re energetic from a hearty dinner and midnight snack of non-alcoholic ale1 and hard tack2. You venture forth from your cabin onto your dirt patch seeking Potatoes. Rival Potateers and Naval Mariners will confront you, and you will need to use every trick in the book to fight off, delay, or any other steps necessary to preventing them from getting a good shot at those precious potatoes. If there is Marijuana in the garden, you may end up dealing with an Oddessyian garden of the lotus eaters situation with your companions. If there are cyclops, you may be dealing with an Oddessyian cyclops situation. If there are sirens, you may be dealing with an Oddessyian sirens situation. So you see there is a huge variety of possible random encounters behind every blade of grass3.
So why do it
Dunno.
If you really like potatoes though, this may be the career for you!
The State Of The Nation
At some point, architects realized at least 60% of the kitchen is wasted space. This was found4 to be hugely unfair to homemakers, and so architects sought to juice the room's utility. Replacing every tile with a trapdoor cubbies brought huge savings, and the people went wild over finally having somewhere to put their spices. Architects began using the walls more, at first with cabinets, but then with more useful things like stoves that burn sideways and dishwashers which open down. A table on the ceiling enabled kitchenmakers5 to create a fancy dining experiánce with candles, and décor, without compromising the necessity of having a robust space for actually cooking.
Now, climbing on top of the side of their wallstove to reach the upside down table: “I’m empowered!”
The State Of The Union
At some point, generals realized that at least 60% of war is wasted space, and started designing labyrinths and hot air balloons and regular balloons and giant statues, so that the other side would have more stuff to blow up. This basic civic courtesy is a relic of a bygone age, I’m afraid. We used to have chivalry and honor and veritable forests of chaff to make sure everyone had a good time, but the capital globalists gained power and the UN edited those protocols right out of the Geneva convention and what do we have now, black ops strike forces? Sure, those are cool, if you’re on them, but 99% of the army ISN’T so they just get left out.
Now, sitting at a desk made out of paperwork to wargame your miniatures out of boredom: “I’m empowered!”
HISTORY
Duckstack archeologists have unearthed some fine china baby bottles from a modern age, remarkably preserved in corporate packaging and bubble wrap. Gracing the label were the characters SMALL PARTS CHOKING HAZARD INSERT DIRECTLY INTO INFANTS MOUTH
You may recall we recently adopted a baby dinosaur. As the record states, I had quite a bit of trepidation about it at the time, but now he insists when I leave his room at night that I close the door because there’s a big dinosaur there papa, with the door closed he actually sometimes stays in his room and sleeps, we’ve tamed it and I think I’m tentatively happy with this new addition to our family.
HISTORY (fiction)
The Kyle Rittenhouse homicide trial be this week, which is the first exposure most of blue America has had to any of the facts of the case. I can’t imagine him being convicted, I would think its hard as a jury member to watch a kid get beaten over the head with a skateboard on video over and over again and decide that it wasn’t self defense, but its possible I guess. The closing arguments by the opposing lawyer/hatchet man really was a fantastic example of yellow journalism.
Gellmann Amnesia- you open the news, and it tells you wet streets cause rain. You shrug, and turn the page, as if the next will be somehow more accurate than what you just read. A refusal to institutionally pattern match, to call spades spades. Someday, I will write about this6.
The Duckstack Doesn’t Drink.
the alcoholic version of tack
Possible loot drops include 348 gil and a magic fire ring (rare)
by potateer explorers, I bet
look how misogynist Im not
Or, its all I write about