Cobbler Clobber
Upon a stage of structured clay, a professional bricklayer takes a nap
A Duckstack in hand is worth two in the bush
Ducks, (it is known,) are excellent swimmers. Not on par with professionals such as Michael Phelps1 but definitely in a league of their own. The duck league. Its only fair.
This year, the duck league has some special events, that even humans can participate in. Not as a contestant, of course. You are a prop for the ducks. If you fancy yourself good at surfing, the duck-synchronized-swimming event is in need of several neutral, unbiased humans to stand on the ducks’ backs while they perform tricks. The pay is low, but fulfillment will be high.
The Parable of the Death Rattle
imagine you’re gonna die and you see a chibi grim reaper coming at you with a scythe shaped rattle going “shake shake shake”
Once upon a time there was a man who loved to hike, and he was quite athletic, so he could perform hiking feats most mortals could never dream of fulfilling. He was young, bright, talented, handsome, good with ladies, and he also owned and operated an extremely successful niche internet blog. One day he is hiking and there’s a rattlesnake in his path, and the rattlesnake tells him “hiss, hiss, hiss. shake shake shake.” which is rattlesnake words for “how are you doing today, if you come closer I will make sure that the answer becomes ‘not good’.” The hiker said to the snake, I have to climb this mountain, most humans couldn’t do it, but I am going to set a record, you are wasting valuable time. And the snake said back to the man, “hiss, hiss, shake shake shake.” which is rattlesnake for “I care not for human achievements, your recklessness could hurt my babies, I am making them pancakes downstairs and I have an apron that says “worlds best dad” on the front that my rattlesnake wife got me for Christmas, the kids love pancakes you know, I like to drizzle the batter so it forms a sort of long squiggly line like a snake, they really get a kick out of it. You probably don’t appreciate this sort of thing, being human, and especially the type of human that goes hiking through people’s homes. If you come closer I will bite you dead to teach you a lesson.” To which the hiker replied “I will never learn a lesson, I think I am faster than you.” And the hiker sprinted right over the snake, who bit him right on the ankle. “yowzers!” howled the man, clutching his injured poisoned twisted ankle.
”That smarts!” and the snake, having accomplished its mission, ran away.
As the poison spread throughout his body, the man thought “this sucks, snakes suck, I hate this.” but then he realized feeling sorry for himself wasn’t going to get him anywhere, so he hopped to his feet, pulled out a shovel, and hiked all over the mountain killing all the snakes he saw to avenge himself until he died.
The End
My Son Has A Lot Of Issues With Soft
being a chair is one thing, being a trampoline is another
My son has a lot of issues with soft. Both sons, now that I think about it. Jethro is generally a gentle soul but it still comes out when any roughhousing is going on. This is probably a common problem to sons. The toddler is worse. A lot of the things that he’s doing would be fine if he had a little restraint- driving a truck on my leg is chill, clobbering me in the face with the truck is undesirable. Its not exactly his fault- muscles and desires tend to grow a lot faster than skill. He wants to play but doesn't know the rules2, it happens to everyone.
I was watching Jethro his younger brother down the slide, and it reminded me of my hobby: arguing online. Basically, he wants to push his brother down the slide, because interactive sliding is better than sliding alone, but he can't really be gentle about it. The dangerous thing is his little brother might not be able to counterbalance against Jethro’s excess of force, potentially leading to a worse accident.
Because using muscles only partway is a lot harder, skill wise, than using them all at once. There’s some zen-martial arts sayings about this, I’m sure. Fine control takes thought and guidance, both of which are in short supply, where just brute force is very simple to apply. Brute force is also much more likely to hurt yourself too. When exercising, proper form is really important, because learning bad habits could seriously decrease the workout’s effectiveness, and also because you will destroy your muscles and joints and stuff.
So when you’re first learning martial arts, its probably better to go slow and wear a bunch of foam so that you get the basics down safely, before you increase your force for real activities, with potentially real stakes. Before you start going all out.
In this way, restraint is a better metric for strength than muscle, especially when you want an outcome of harmony, such as play. I believe play is very important.
HISTORY
They grow up so fast (they insist that they are grown up now)
I have been keeping a set of my childhood heely’s to pass down3, and Jethro found them and was like “what are these?” and I told him that they were my heelys when I was a kid. Jethro though this was incredibly funny: “I didn’t know that papa was a kid!” He said “last night” at the end of this but that part only makes sense once you understand he says “last night” to mean “in the past”
We were watching nightmare before Christmas4 and Jethro kept asking me what was happening, and I was like “I don’t know what happens, I was a little kid when I last watched Nightmare before Christmas and it was to scary for me.” to which he told me “Well it isn’t scary for me. Because I’m a grown up kid.” And I told him “well you’re littler than me.” and he said “No I’m not. I’m big. Our heads are the same.” I didn’t know how to argue with him
One other thing he told me is that triceratops eat grass, “because they are a leaf carnivore. And grass is a leaf!”
And while making tickle hands at him this week, he giggled and said “your hand is up to mischief!”
We bought some new shoes for our kids, light up ones this week. They split one pair up between them and stomped around the kitchen with one on each of them.
We also got some pikachu slippers, since our boys seem to be getting into pokemon right now. They would stick one slipper on their hands and charge at each other yelling “pikachu battle!”
I mentioned that my recent birthday involved a new board game that involves feeding a pig plastic hamburgers. We found one of these in our toddlers mouth, who exclaimed on our removing it “Pleh! I eat the hamburger!”
We gave the toddler some juice in a sippy cup, and he would take a sip and go “bleh!” like he thought it was bad. He would then drink more, of course, but then exclaim “bleh!” again. After a few of these he looked up at me and giggled and said “is that funny water?”
An Interview With Michael Phelps, in my mind
Michael Phelps could not be reached for comment
Because I did not try5
The Duckstack: Dear Michael Phelps, how are you doing?
Phelps Man: I’m doing great, thank you. (picking duck feathers out of his teeth)
The Duckstack: So you’re a pretty good swimmer, huh?
Michael: I guess you could say that. (flexing his thighs)
The Duckstack: Do you wear flippers to swim faster?
Phelpser: I do not. They are unfashionable and gangly and interfere with my chi.
The Duckstack: I did not know that. What chakra is that, again?
Phelpsing: The flipper chakra.
The Duckstack: Sounds scientific. Have you enjoyed your time on The Duckstack so far?
Phelpsinator: Absolutely. I am going to tell all my friends to subscribe. I haven’t been imagined as having this much fun in a long time.
The Duckstack: That’s quite a compliment, coming from such a fun loving guy. Tell me, what’s your secret to swimming good?
Phelpsoid: A strict diet.
The Duckstack: (nervously) We’ll keep that in mind! Is there anything else you want to tell our readers before you go?
The Phelp: Don’t cross me.
The Duckstack: That’s all we have for today, thanks Michael!
Michael Phelperific: Bye everyone! (hungrily:) Thanks bob.
Every day, Michael Phelps wakes up and jumps in a lake, and swims until he catches a duck, which he then eats raw, for breakfast. Disgusting. (It is known)
You learn the rules, everyone stays safe, everyone has consent forms filled out (that’s kind of what rules are), and there’s a clear framework for when to stop.
The most important thing for the rising generation to understand is LEGACY
Halloween is his favorite holiday, even in August.
My excuse: It was late at night