Creeping Greens
Trees are too impotent to understand Icarus, there's a lesson in that
This week on THe1 Duckstack we have an “interview” with some random, and we learn about trees, and as always, we learn about toddlers.
I took a road trip to my parents to go and climb trees, which I used to consider child abuse but I’m an adult now so that doesn’t apply now. Manual labor, I mean. My parents are farmers you see, and it is harvest time.
They got:
Tree of knowledge between good and evil
Fortune Cookie trees
Ents
Tree of wisdom (NOT knowledge)
Carrot trees
Apples
I’m lying about half of these probably. Apples should really be in there like eight times but it isn't because it isn’t correct grammar to do the same thing multiple times in a bulleted list.2
So there I am, bracing against twisting, gyrating, growing branches, reaching for apples and fortune cookies and stuffing, precariously high from the ground, writhing in a mortal wrestling coil with this living, breathing plant, with gravity itself trying personally to kill me, and I thought: People should climb trees more often, its good for you.3
It just feels good to climb trees, in a way that climbing ladders and fences and playground jungle gyms and climbing walls just doesn’t do. This is why I go out of my way to place ducks in trees.
History
The little one had a rough time at church. After the eighth time I wouldn’t let him play with someone else's stroller he collapsed in the foyer, whimpering, in a state of total loss. He simmered down to a sitting disconsolate stare into eternity, occasionally beeping out a tiny cry, once every few minutes. It is time to change his batteries.
He has also taken to saying “oh” when I tell him nearly anything, in a very thoughtful and satisfied manner, like I am solving the riddle of the universe every time. Plus, he gets pretty well what I’m telling him. “you can’t just eat nothing but granola bars its junk food.” “Oh.
I want… Fruit snacks?”
It is my greatest pleasure to bring you this interview with FiverMacGyver
We have an interview this week, I picked some rando off the street and interviewed him. Lets hope there’s no spiders this time! We’re going to meet FiverMacGyver. He claims to be existential. Well, we’ll see. Anyway full disclosure I made him answer the interview questions but refused to tell him what the interview questions actually were, so instead of interview responses he just sent me a bunch of hot takes? Luckily, we have post-production editing to fill in what he must have thought he was responding to, so this should be just absolutely seamless.
Duckstack: Hello Fiver
Fiver: On a list of the funniest animals, I'd say ducks are 12th. They are way ahead of anacondas and just behind penguins.
Duckstack: Wow. Okay. That’s A little aggressive.
Fiver: You know that concept where people say that if you keep using eye drops, your eyes will stop producing tears at the right rate? That's how I feel about heated seats.
Duckstack: I’d never thought about that. Alright, can you expound on that? Are indoor chairs okay?
Fiver: If you're asking me to pick my favorite, I'd have to say cedar. I mean, furniture is now made out of wood, but a kind of wood that is flimsy and weak. You combine that with an ever-increasing number of people who are obese, and it's pretty clear why individuals often have a stick up their backsides.
Duckstack: So is this a conspiracy, or just an unhappy accident?
Fiver: That's like wondering how to get to the South Pole. You just go to the North Pole and head anywhere.
Duckstack: That’s… wise? I guess? Okay, next question: What’s the most interesting thought you’ve ever thought?
Fiver: Throw pillows. You only throw them once. We should call them ‘leave pillows.' You leave them for like years.
Duckstack: Nice, that is pretty good. What’s the most boring thought you’ve ever thought?
Fiver: I feel like the Settlers of Catan expansion pack for Frozen 2 went a little too far for the typical Disney licensing shenanigans.
Duckstack: I don’t know anyone who has ever played Settlers of Catan Expansion Pack for Frozen 2. Next question: What would you say is your biggest strength?
Fiver: The interesting thing about air is that you can walk through it pretty easily but it bends lightning - so, yeah, I guess I am stronger than lightning.
Duckstack: Very impressive. What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Fiver: Strictly adventure pants. I only wear jeans ironically.
Duckstack: ….Okay. Anyway, can you tell us the story behind your screen-name?
Fiver: I just thought it was a a rad looking dude with a truth missile that would make a good profile picture. Then I realized no one knew who he was, so I clarified it a bit. Nothing significant. Just an image that I didn't think anyone had used.
So there you have it folks. After finishing the interview, I calmly (and humanely) returned the hobo to his natural habitat4, where he now wanders undisturbed, in a state of innocence. Goodbye Fiver. Goodbye.
Some Scripture Readings From This week
“Great job Simon. For now on your name is rocks”
“and I, Nephi, boated.”
“laser guided tactical precision assault Liahona”
Shoutout
I wanted to give a shoutout to the egg report who is telling us about how body harnesses for dogs are cruel and evil5:
When you accept dog ownership, you have a responsibility to wield authority. Dogs are very literal. Dog language is very literal. Dogs have autism. That’s why they are based. All dogs have autism. All dogs are fascists. They appreciate direct, honest communication.
Shoutout 2
I also wanted to give a shoutout to this song which I just found on my country playlist.
THe Duckstack
We care a ton about grammar sometimes
Its peaceful. In a forceful way. Hard to describe. You can’t be anxious for long in a tree. You can be anxious quite rapidly if you leave a tree incorrectly though.
Kids should have treehouses anyway.
…Twitter?