Egregious Excellence
I'm a heavy metal Easter Bunny, my hops shake the earth
Crack open a nice refreshing glass of Duckstack to start your day
Today’s Duckstack letter is hard boiled.
Like an egg, we soaked every 🥚 concept in boiling water, remove from heat, let sit 10-12 minutes, remove from pot and place in ice cold water peel, salt lightly, then serve1. Just like this egg 🥚, we’re hard boiled. Like detectives. We’re doing it for the noir factor. We’re grizzled. Jaded 🥚 by life. We’re serving the Duckstack up to you in a black and white café next to water that looks like coffee. We’re training the café bartender2 in martial arts and marksmanship3. We’re giving you tips and leads. We’re hiding brightly colored Easter Eggs throughout the café that clash extremely with the black and white aesthetic we’ve got going on. We’re talking about these eggs in a deep, monologuing baritone 🥚. We’re pointedly ignoring these 🥚 eggs which are unwelcome 🥚 and uninvited. If you want to notice and 🥚 collect them you can. Just don’t let them distract 🥚 you from our authentic 🥚 grittiness. We’re noir. We’re gritty. We’re hard boiled. We’re
The Duckstack
HISTORY
Read this history. What are you, Chicken? 🥚
I don’t know what the context is or why I wrote this down, but evidently this is something the Little one sang while playing on his own this week: “purple and red one see? I do! have those blue ones, but I don’t have the purple oneee, but I do have this onee, but I do have this one, ummm watch a show”
The littlest one has been developing all his muscles, most notably his teeth muscles where he launches across the room when you’re not looking and suddenly his mouth is embedded in your leg flesh. We’re trying to teach him not to do that. I think for any addiction you need to replace it, so I’m trying cloth? Got him to crawl around and toddle hanging onto stuff and you know, just his general daily routine, for like ten whole minutes while holding a rag in his mouth by his teeth, it was pretty fierce and intimidating
In the new Sonic the Hedgehog movie, Sonic’s buddy Tails can fly by twisting his two tails together and untwisting them really fast like a helicopter, and the Littlest one has started doing this except with his whole body during for example diaper changes. Its a little like a cat falling, where one part rotates really fast and then the next part does until the whole body has inverted toward the ground, except he doesn’t need to be falling he just does it all the time naturally. I think his body is formed in segments.
My wife went to the store for a few hours and bought things and brought them home, and naturally I unloaded the car while she settled in. The little one was later heard talking to her: “Papa got bagels!” and she was like “no, I did.” and he was like “No, Papa did.” It was because he saw me walk outside and bring them in. Just hasn’t put together that you have to go to the store to be the one who buys things I guess! I told him you’re welcome for the bagels and I’ll get you bagels 🥚 anytime.
Well it finally happened. The littlest one forgot how to sleep. 10:00pm at night and we hear him alone in his dark room, laughing and giggling hysterically, and hyperventillating as loud as he can. I don’t know why he’s not asleep. I don’t know how he’s been having so much fun by himself for like 20 minutes now. I guess I’ll make him another bottle.
I don’t know if this is common experience but I let my wife go off on her own this week and she came back with chickens so we’re farmers now? Has this happened to anyone else? Anyway they’re very cute and good with kids4.
We had an Easter egg hunt and watched Sonic (the eggs for the hunt were not made by our new chickens this week), we thought the toddler would really enjoy it because he likes Sonic, and he did, and it was a fun and family friendly movie even for a 2 year old, but despite making sure we’d be the only ones in the theatre I don’t think we were adequately prepared for how much of the movie he would spend yelling “Is that sonic?5” at the screen. Even when they were obviously not Sonic. Even when they obviously were Sonic. But he laughed and it was all worth it to listen to him shake his hands and say “boom, boom!” during explosions and stuff. Got him a big tub of popcorn the size of, him, and handed the whole thing to him and he was like “Oh, YES.”
🥚 Speedy Eggbert: A Review
You may have been wondering if The Duckstack 🥚 would ever review Speedy Eggbert, and the answer is yes. How long will you have to wait? Seconds.
eGames, short for “electronic games6”, was a company that made computer software in lets say the early 2000s for computers made in lets say the early 1990s. They printed these games in Pennsylvania, including such hits7 as Mini Car Racing and Speedy Eggbert. Their success knew no bounds, leading them into arrogance and sequels. Apparently they were unstoppable until, according to wikipedia, a coal mining company bought electronic games and put a stop to them. I think if someone went on a quest to buy out eGames from coal miners inc. or whatever we could free the games and bring them back and gain their power.
Speedy Eggbert was one of their most successful titles8. It was a platformer, where you could jump, use vehicles, and walk around blatantly tileset levels that look like this:
Wow! Look how colorful! Those red parts are lava. If you fall into those, Speedy Eggbert (I assume this is his name) turns into a black charcoal and dies. According to Duckstack researchers, this same thing will happen if you drop any egg in lava, so this game was both realistic and educational.
I’m pretty sure every customer’s copy of Speedy Eggbert also came with a free bonus computer virus, because in the wild west nobody had antivirus so viruses would just write to every drive they could find so the CD - ROM printer would just include them lol. But! it was worth it, because Speedy Eggbert was multiplayer.
You could play as not only a yellow egg, but a red egg, a blue egg, a green egg. It was marvelous! You could solve puzzles and find secret passageways with friends, though if I recall most of the gameplay was basically a big blinding maze. The best was when you got the skateboard and could go really fast.
This was 🥚 back in the day when games were actually games, so there was also a level editor! You could build your own really long skateboard level and have friends play it. It was great, this game taught me everything I know about eggs. I doubt windows 95 viruses can affect modern witchcraft, so if you feel like tracking this ga🥚me down to play it, I encou🥚rage you t🥚o give it a 🥚 try! Just watch out for the red landmines!
Unless you are the devil
Cafétender?
And eggsmanship, a lesser known noir combat and sleuthing technique involving egging people who you hope are the villain’s house.
Maybe when they’re older than two days old, like a week old or something, we can leave the kids in the house and leave the chickens to babysit
37%
It was apparently actually short for “entertainment games” which I am choosing to believe is simply false.
I don’t know if they were hits. I enjoyed playing them!
I didn’t look this up but this is one of the ones where they thought a sequel would be a good idea apparently. If you go on that eGames freedom quest, I bet you could even make it a trilogy. The world is ready.