Fables Finally
In the bound between fiction and reality, there's infinite riches which you can't use.
See a duckstack, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck
Each Duckstack is worth 1/100th of the U.S. Dollar, so I hope you guys are keeping ahold of these1, as they are valuable currency. Sometimes, when I need good luck, I will print out a duckstack letter on real live2 paper, and then let it float down into the water features, soaking until soggy, and drifting to richly symbolic rest at the bottom, home among other valuable things3. All mall goers including security have really appreciated this. Welcome to The Duckstack.
The Lost Little Camero
The Little Camero That Could
Some guys on the internet are holding a crypto right wing art contest called the Passage Prize, featuring divisions such as poetry, art, and short stories. There’s a decently large prize pool ($2000 per winner basically), so its been a bit of a big deal. The following short story is my uncontested passage prize winner, or it could be, maybe, if I had submitted it, or even written it. But I felt it was my duty to you to conserve all my energy for feverishly churning out duckstacks at 11:58 pm on Tuesday nights, a lofty responsibility indeed. Ahem:
Once upon a time, there was a bright red Camero with no relation to any other Cameros, real or fictional, beyond the most coincidental or incidental resemblance. Due to a convenient misspelling4, the Camero was protected from legal liability for being included in a story on some random person’s blog. This Camero had Progressive™ all purpose liability protection, just in case, despite Progressive™ lying about the price of their insurance rates by quoting the pricing by 6 months rather than annually. This liability protection, no matter how illicit, gave the Camero great peace of mind. With all its bases covered, the Camero went off to the copyright office to obtain a permit from the government for its continued existence. All was going well, until the little Camero’s little Engine Exploded. This was a cause of extremely mild distress for the Camero, who had counted on at least being able to get home. Unable to drive, the Camero’s copyright expired. Thousands of spirits arose from the desert, hungry to gnaw upon its sleek metallic flesh, to suck out its Camero Juices to rejuvenate themselves. Ghastly! But, a passing helicopter happened to be freighting a Camero engine, and saw the little car in need! The Camero quickly dropped out its engine with a Plunk! and popped its hood, allowing the helicopter to drop the engine from 2000 feet5 right into the Camero’s vacant compartment. With a Vroom! and a Swish! the little Camero zipped out of danger, leaving the jackals nipping in vain surprise at its abrupt vacancy. It came home to its relieved owner, who put it in the garage and put it to bed with a smooch and a pat because “you’ve got a big day tomorrow!” The Camero then slept and dreamt this whole story over again, recursively. The End.
The moral of the story is, what the helicopter did was probably illegal, and you should not tell the Camero that, because it tried so hard to be safe, and it would probably feel sad to know that it now technically deserves to be hunted by federal big game hunters and would have to spend the rest of its life in hiding on Native American reservations to avoid being nabbed. So really the beauty of this piece is the futility of life and government, and how some people can only be saved in ignorance, and that trauma tends to stick people in the same mental place and keep them from waking up6.
History
Little kid history is larger than life
The little one, whispering in my ear like a vampire: “I want cereal”
“Papa likes robots, I got a robot sticker! Papa, you like robot stickers? Papa, you like robot stickers? Papa, you want the robot sticker? …Turn on the TV to me.” This was somewhere between a bribe and a threat
The little one had an eventful church at a new ward, which was enough of a new situation that he retreated to evaluative, judgmental silence. Except during sacrament, when he noticed his baby brother sleeping, and started shouting, “My babys asleep, my babys asleep!” and then he burrowed his head in the pew and yelled: “AHHHHHH.” Then he went back to bein shy.
Otherwise, the little one has been a bundle of, 7 , energy this week, for example while we were trying to clean the house, he put rocks in the vacuum, and then when while we were trying to clean the vacuum he flushed all the toilet paper, and then while we were trying to clean the bathroom he dressed himself and the bottom floor of our house in comet cleanser. Such a, 8 , productive, little boy!
My wife was bustling about doing housework and singing to herself, when the little one deigned to lean his head in and chime “Turn the mama music off!”, the kid has no appreciation for these trad women smh. He and my wife are no longer speaking.
also hes gonna skewer my wife “youre a marshmellow, mama!” help us somebody please
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE
The person this interview with is well known and beloved by all maybe, so we’re excited to present you with such insider privy into such a central figure of our lives. Please welcome: This guy.
THE DUCKSTACK: "look out!"
Person, with meticulously careful punctuation: What's up?
THE DUCKSTACK: An interview is coming for you, the people want to know the most flavorful thing, can you tell them the most flavorful thing?
Person, with rapidly deteriorating punctuation: Ok dude
So there you have it! What a glimpse into this marvelous mind, you can really get a feel for them, its like you’re really “there”, just right there as it happened. Plus, you can rest easy with The Duckstack Guarantee™9 that no hobos were harmed in the making of this interview, as this person Clearly Volunteered for this, which I erased his memory of. So it was consensual. Moving on!
HOROSCOPES
You might not be interested in the stars, but the stars are interested in YOU10
Capricorn: O capricorn, thou spiteful goat, why doth thou ceaselessly stare down thine constituents? They shant vote thy name next summer!
Fido: Here boy, here boy! There boy! There’s boys everywhere! This is horrible! Too many boys! Off to war with you.
Spot: Spot It™ is a card game where you have cards with multiple pictures on them and you try to find which picture matches the picture on another card. Its wildly popular because there’s basically no rules but its still really fun, just like you!
Mars: Your job is to go to war with the Fidos. If this forecast doesn’t “vibe” with you then I suggest you change your astrological sign.
Apricot: Expect jams. All kinds of jams. Fruit jams, traffic jams, door jams, there are a lot of them for you this upcoming week.
Forwarding a duckstack email is on par with splitting/forking a cryptocurrency, haha I would die if you did that haha
dead
Truly valuable things, unlike everything else in the mall.
I have heard there’s a real life thing like this, but it has two ‘a’s’ as in,
camera
That’s a lot of feet! I don’t know what kind of an animal helicopters are, maybe they come from D&D
The moral of these morals is, kick people’s tires
destructive
not at all in fact the opposite of in fact I love you but you are actively hurting our ability to be,
please bobdaduck it isn’t guaranteed at all please stop calling it that
Absolutely doctrine.