Lead Weight Space Case
The conservative lead weight space case for dropping anvils on your enemies, from space
Duckstack, or DIE
You’re probably wondering how I manage to keep writing these. Sometimes, I do too— After all, there is only so much content in the world to go round. However, the thing, the factor, the variable, the trifle which your calculations are missing is that, when content is consumed, some people are messy eaters and the scraps fall to the floor1, to be devoured by dogs2. Well, The Duckstack employs millennial numbers of mice as duckmen3 to collect those mere scraps, to meticulously piece them together to form and provide a newsletter, for you, every week. They’re funded by advertisements.4 Welcome to The Duckstack.
HHIISSTTOORRYY
History’s been putting on some weight lately
I’m not a plumber but I don’t understand why I can’t just caulk everything I don’t like.
The little one, hefting a sledgehammer a whole half inch off the ground with all of his might, joyfully commented: “I’m a heavy boy!”
I took the toilet out for a walk5 and left it out overnight, and I think the seal froze and cracked and broke and now when you flush it the waterfalls go on the outside of the toilet instead of the inside. Life hacks!
He (the little one) has a few water guns for some reason, we haven’t ever filled them but he still knows what they do, because when he pretends to shoot people he says “water water”. Earlier, he brought the gun to mama’s mouth (very intimidating) and lisped “are you thirsty?”
I’ve observed that the little one hates scary shows but loves Halloween, I don’t think he’s made the connection yet.
“I can’t eat it with my FIN-GNERS!” is how the little one asked for a spoon for his cereal this week.
I saw a sight this week, which was a deer wearing a cone of shame6 while being chased by a dog. It elegantly (in fear) loped down the street, a big golden retriever nipping at its boots. Nature is wonderful!
The little one told us yesterday, “I have a good idea! Lets go to home depot and buy a robot!” I think this whole time he’s been attending a way cooler home depot than we have.
This week, I’m told, was the super bowl, which is when a majority of American society realizes, that we don’t watch enough commercials as a society. So we all get together for a commercial-watching holiday and throw parties to make it a grand event and stuff. The commercials won, btw.
Democracy Except With A Survival Instinct
Hidden amendment: The government must preserve itself.
Saw a bit of voting propaganda on the kids television station about how cool and fair voting is, and I remember when I was a kid and we’d take a vote in class and everyone would vote for the dumb thing every time, so I think its fundamentally impossible for a minority to believe in democracy.
In the Book of Mormon they have a democratic society, but the scripture warns that the goodness of democracy is conditioned upon the morality of the people7- the point of popular vote is to avoid tyranny, but what happens when mass hubs everyone relies on for basic entertainment can spill over power and influence into mass propaganda? This is a different situation- people aren’t making decisions by word of mouth and experience anymore like they did in non-technologically advanced societies8. In an age characterized primarily by propaganda and advertisements, it is far more common for the majority of the people to desire that which is not right! One must consider then, whether democracy is even good anymore9. Assuming you or I had total control to reinvent our political system, we’d have a lot of options- fascism, monarchy, Roman patronage, Book of Mormon judge hierarchy, theocracy. We don’t, of course, have control to do this, because democracy happens to be an egregore, meaning it is a sentient eldritch fae spirit, meaning it doesn’t want to die, even if the majority of the people voted for it to go away10.
If you haven’t been paying attention, a bunch of truckers (meaning roughly, idk, 100,000 dudes or so?11) drove into Ottawa Canada to demand that the Canadian emperor please stop injecting them with maple syrup. They have been, by the reports I’ve been receiving, eating hot chocolate, yelling at journalists, and honking their horns, which has been really inconvenient for people who do not want to eat hot chocolate, people who are journalists, and people who do not like protests. Naturally, this includes high government bureaucrats. Canada is not known for its warlike nature, but Justin Trudeau has made an exception and declared war on his own citizens. They’ve invoked every Orwellian coercion device they can think of:
Deleting the truckers money
Deleting the truckers insurance
Threatening to arrest tow truck drivers who won’t steal truckers trucks
Threatening the truckers children
Freezing the bank accounts of anyone who even employs any of the truckers12
Stealing the money anyone sends to the truckers and rerouting it to I assume Canada’s current national past-time13
So anyway this will be really interesting and it is probably Trump’s fault, because nobody could ever possibly be mad at the government legitimately.
Personally I hope the syrup people win, and I hope the commercial people lose, but this is a tense time, because if the commercial people win, then it sets a lot of precedents which will carry a lot more weight than mere supreme court rulings. Hopefully we’re able to reach a resolution that benefits people rather than hurts them.
HEROSCOPES
“Hisoscopes” would be just too sexist
Hercules: You are very strong! You should do at least three pushups, or you could lose all your strength!
Odysseus: You are adventurous! The ladies love you, but you don’t love them, mostly. You should go on a journey of self discovery. And you should go on more dates.
Achilles: You have at least one foot! You are good at sports and slaughtering your enemies, but I would encourage you to be a man of peace and pursue sports (which requires footwear) rather than war (which is done barefoot, apparently.)
Perseus: You have thick skin! Sticks and stoning can’t even reach your bones. Take risks! Admire yourself in the mirror! Beware of shadow people from the mirror dimension. Despite appearances, love is not in the air. Don’t be an Odysseus.
Thor: You are drunk! Beware of jobs in construction, as your hammer was not made for roofing and carpentry. That would be a little overkill!
Superman: You are imaginary! Not real. Superman is a fake zodiac sign. Sorry, you don’t get a heroscope. Try existing next time, loser
Bronze Age Pervert: You are very bronze! You should also do at least three pushups, but don’t worry, you aren’t in danger of losing all your strength, no. No, the reason you should do so many pushups is that if you don’t, if the earth was a pump for a giant balloon, the balloon wouldn’t get inflated, which could make kids whose birthdays are this week sad.
ESKIMOS: ARE THEY REAL?
Like, the furry ice people that live in igloos and eat only blubber and stuff. Are they real?
No.
BONUS - Short Story - Cockroach Cindarella
Despite how gross they are, the larger cockroach (such as wood cockroaches) do not actually “infest” homes, nor really damage anything, and honestly they don’t even really like being in your home, they are more like beetles that wander in or something. It is strictly the smaller cockroach which thrives in dirt and grime and is almost impossible to get rid of. Don’t shoot the messengær!
Once upon a time there was a handsome prince who really wanted to find “the one”. He threw a ball where he courted the girls and one girl really caught his eye because of her piercing insight and her strange poise- but it turned out this girl was actually a giant cockroach14. Her wings folded down to form her petticoat, and her chiton carved into a right smart suit. Her antennae braided her hair with an almost tiara affair, and the prince was downright charmed. But when he sought her out after the dance, to speak to her and draw out her personality, she spied him first and right quick scuttled down a vent and escaped, because she was shy.
Only one of her misshapen shoes was left behind, letting the prince know it wasn’t just a dream and that she existed, and that she was a cockroach, which he had somewhat suspected because beautiful as she was she wasn’t that convincing. Well, the prince decided with some regret that he had no idea how to make a relationship with a cockroach work and gave up on the whole thing.
Later, the king's guard brought exterminators, and the prince told them off, saving his hypothetical girlfriend from death gas just in the nick of time. But they never really got together after that because she was still shy and didn’t even get over it enough to thank him, so he never really knew if he even saved her anyway, and they went on to live incredibly average lives, The End.
from space
or ducks or whatever animal “content”’s natural predator might be
They get duck uniforms too so that cats mistake them for birds, which cats don’t go after. I think.
The Duckstack has an aggressive advertising scheme: I go and advertise The Duckstack, by posting about it. This funds the duckmen. They are my army.
potty training
like, the kind veterinarians use to prevent deer from scratching their heads with their hindlegs too much
Mosiah 29:26 Now it is not common that the voice of the people desireth anything contrary to that which is right; but it is common for the lesser part of the people to desire that which is not right; therefore this shall ye observe and make it your law—to do your business by the voice of the people.
27 And if the time comes that the voice of the people doth choose iniquity, then is the time that the judgments of God will come upon you; yea, then is the time he will visit you with great destruction even as he has hitherto visited this land.
I’m assuming here that the Book of Mormon people’s weren’t like a super high tech hyporborean levitation tech wielding warp society or whatever
Nearly all Americans believe re-electing congress from a phone book at literal random would be better than what we have now, isn’t that something?
literally against the rules to vote to end democracy. We literally fought a war over this.
The whole convoy is according to one random article I just googled “43 miles long”
As I understand it, if you’re a trucker, you don’t usually own your semi, its usually owned by the company you work for, so what the government is doing is attacking “any company who’s trucks are taking part in this disruptive threat to our democracy/economy/ivory towers” unquote
forcing kids to be trans against their parents will
She also had three heads- a beautiful one, a cockroach one, and an anime one, but I think that kinds of takes away from the story so I’m leaving it out. The prince didn’t notice this because they were retractable, like in transformers.
