Linger Bringer
The stalling is coming. Eventually
you have to spend duckstacks to make duckstacks
Ever wonder how easter eggs are made? People think its an easter bunny, but that’s actually a myth. Bunnies are reptiles, and do not lay eggs.
Instead, there is a global easter duck farm located in Ohio, where they have easter egg production down to a science1. Imagine a column of five to six ducks, standing on each other’s shoulders. This is called an “assembly line”, and is one of the great modern inventions of the industrial era. The Easter Bunny, who was a duck, used to do all this by hand.
The Duck on top lays the egg, obviously. They don’t have conveyor belts in Ohio so they just use gravity, as a part of the core Easter philosophy “Work smarter, not harder.”2 The egg drops down, and the second duck catches it in a bucket of paint. He turns the bucket over, dumping its contents down to the third duck, who is in charge of detail work, and painting the third duck in the same color. By the end of this process, he will be coated in hundreds of layers of paint, and be basically unable to move. From there, he will be transferred as a living statue to the Easter Inc. lobby, where he will serve admirably in his or her role for the remainder of the year, at which point Duck #4 will free him or her with a chisel and give him a wad of cash for his troubles.
Duck number three paints fun patterns on the egg, using one of his own plucked feathers as a paint brush. He’ll replace this brush after each egg is finished, meaning its color will be whatever color the previous egg was, not the current egg. He then paints fun designs on it like stripes or squiggles, and drops it to Duck#4, who avoids hitting it with his chisel.
Duck #4 then drops the egg down to duck #5 for rinsing, polishing, and sandblasting. Once the egg sparkles, he drops it down to Duck#6, who is in charge of delivery. Duck #6 will then haul the egg off to Easter Island, where a crew of trucker ducks sends the egg to households across the nation. Duck #6 will then be replaced by a new duck, with Duck #5 jumping vertically and allowing the new #6 to run underneath and catch the whole stack on his3 shoulders.
Its really beautiful to watch. A marvel of design process and engineering makes this holiday a success, and most people don’t get to see the process! We hope you’ve enjoyed the glimpse you’ve gotten to peek at today, in our description of: The Duckstack
“National Debt™”
Hello, this is the national department
Rich people and poor people look at debt very differently. I am a poor person, and the poor person perspective goes something like this: Debt is negative money. The more you have the poorer you are. Interest accumulates and you end up paying massively more for everything than you would otherwise. Usury is a tool of Satan himself for upcharging goods and oppressing the poor and the impulsive. The ideal financial state to strive for is no debt. Then, you’re saving money, and you are becoming richer. Life is about paying off the debt society saddles you with almost by default for necessities, and then it is about saving.
This is not the way money works for rich people, at all.
I am not a rich person, and the rich person’s perspective takes actual skill to pull off (to a certain point anyway, after which you are so rich you are able to invest in literal garbage and still make money off it), which makes it dangerous. The rich person’s perspective goes something like this: Debt is pre-money. The more you have, the more money you are going to have. Debt lets you make investments that pay off hundredfold what you could attain only spending what you have. Usury is what makes society rich. The ideal financial state is constant debt. Assets are money making machines. Life is about building a massive criminal empire of investments and playing dungeons and dragons with their stats, merrily moving numbers from one paper to another until the end of time. All billionaires regularly declare bankruptcy and it means nothing. Elon Musk has debt.
I am a poor person, so I do not know how to transition from poor person to rich person, this is not financial advice. The point is just that once you get to a certain scale, debt becomes an asset, like any other asset. They buy it and sell it, hold it and stake it. A more “grounded” example would be taking out a 10% APR loan to buy something that appreciates 20% per year. But most debt, at this level, makes way more than 20%. If you have a bunch of shark tank investors they'll burn millions on 50 different startups, of which maybe one will survive. And that one will recoup both their investment and their loss on all the others, by like 5000% or more, like, per year. Again I don't know how to change the fluid dynamics of money from poor person type to rich person type, just know that this second type of finances does exist.
This brings us around to the national debt. So there’s a doomsday debt clock out there, which shows how many trillions of dollars America owes to (China?), which has been (Jewishly?) lending us trillions of dollars to buy missiles to point at them. If this number of dollars passes a certain threshhold, then they'll be able to declare payment due, and since we are in debt (negative money) we won't be able to pay, so the bank (of hong kong?) will repossess America from the (British?), and all businesses in the entire United States will have their signs switched from English to Mandarin. We’ll be marched off in chain gangs through the ocean to work in mines or quarries or something until the debt is paid off. This is how I was actually taught the national debt works.
The reality is as you might expect significantly more gray. As we all know, the United States is not exactly a paragon of fiscal responsibility. But people tend to get mad at Republicans over his, when the majority of U.S. debt is just going to somalian daycares. The DOGE guys were recently sued over trying to cut literally any government grants whatsoever, and all of their efforts have been unilaterally overturned. There does not appear to be anyone in the entire United States Government with the ability to stop this train. Trump cannot control who he hires let alone where money gets spent, let alone congressional republicans trying to vote anything out of existence as if such a thing is even possible.
But the U.S. takes out debt for good things too. Just a lot more rarely. Its all mixed together and for some reason all funding has to be passed as a bundle so literally nobody gets anything if you don’t fund every Democrat’s gay (literally) projects. You have to be able to tell them no. You have to refuse the bait. But there’s just enough good things4 that saying no causes normal people actual pain which is a huge problem for re-electability, even if the nominal voter claims they really want to solve the national debt. It is Not Happening.
But all these debts are in random different things. There’s not a “due date” where we have to declare bankruptcy. The problem, rather, is that as more money is introduced into the economy, when its based on nothing, even magic funny money asset debt poisons the well through something called inflation. And that’s where the actual bad stuff comes in. Inflation is, in theory, slightly more solvable than “debt, in abstract”. But because inflation is so tied to the welfare state, you basically are going to have to let people “die”, at least theoretically, in order to impact it even slightly. It doesn’t matter that basically 90% of it is fraudulent money laundering for leftists. Any solution to it will need to come from a strange angle outside the current system- hence many Right Winger’s extreme support for mass deportations. Its one of the few angles of attack that actually poses any chance of solving some of these problems at all. Increase supply by lowering demand. But that doesn’t mean mass deportations will be “free”, because curbing inflation itself will raise the price of goods. “what about the farmers” is the first line of objection from honest people. If you want serious solutions, people are going to have to be allowed to fail. Harden your heart5.
Some Everyday Objects
Your “Daily Carry”, of what should be in your pockets every morning.
bleachers, for undoing your tan
drinking fountain, modern medicine’s improvement on leeches
mug, for barfights everywhere
candy bar, for training fruity lawyers
carpet, for soothing your vehicle
magnifying glass, for compressing glass into diamonds
chewing gum, the predecessor to pac-man
footlockers, for storing your feet in
History
Big things are happening. Or little
“Cars do not drink the same things as people.” I haven’t told him about the cyborg uprising yet
“chess is tricky for parents to win. I always win.” I think you misunderstand whats happening here kiddo
“the red milk is hot and the blue milk is cold.” Good deduction. Bad accuracy.
“I’m not a triangle guy. I’m a square guy.” I have no idea how he deduced this
The toddler has taken to eating sliced apples “around the skin”, so she’ll just eat the middle and call it good. This week we took her to Grandmas, and Grandma peeled her apples for her beforehand and the toddler still just bit around the inside leaving the edge of the slice
Ducksnax
Hatch
Previous Duckstack
we’re all about science, here at The Duckstack
Its a great American tradition to recite this before every easter egg hunt
not to be racist but its not usually a girl duck doing this part.
its pretty debatable the TSA is “good” but whatever it still affects things
but not like, in the book of mormon pride sense, more like just in the sense of being pragmatic and clear eyed
Pardon me, but I'd like to report a missing telephone section.