Feather Tethers
Pound for pound, your weight is holding up better than the U.S. dollar
Scientists are prone to error, just like anyone. One thing they messed up was calling it “Dark Matter.” Its actually Duck Matter.
I heard a lot of you were confused, dismayed, and felt slightly unsafe at receiving so many Duckstack emails last week. These emails are part of the Duckstack Audacity1 project, meaning they are old episodes that now count as “podcasts”. Last week’s new episode was Cumulus Culmination. I will try to clarify in the future that the new old content is not new, just old, but if you want to listen to the old because you’re new, or old, I highly encourage enjoying it.
Congratulations reader, you are now MAYOR OF DUCKSTACK, (“What? Its my first time reading this!” I do not care) here are your duties:
Denial: At minimum, you must deny mayorship23. However, in a pinch, you have leeway to deny whatever you want.
Administration: Many people you’ll meet will seek your administration. You must not give it to them. Remember, time is money, and the higher ups want to cut your budget. Do everything you can to hoard this precious resource for the other mayors, who will almost certainly view the budget as less their problem than you. We really appreciate your efforts here and we will compensate you accordingly by demanding as little of your time as possible, only the minimum necessary to keep The Duckstack running.
Legislation: Your word is law. In Duckstack, Mayorship is synonymous with sheriffship, so it is your duty to catch Duckstack criminals. Your primary weapon to do this is laws, which come into being as soon as you speak them. If you see a criminal, you need to make up as many laws on the spot as possible and bury them under the weight of all those papers. If you’re really good, you’ll be able to do this completely impromptu, with no prior preparation, ad-libbing sheafs and binders and reams of paper from absolute nothing. If you bring us a paper-wrapped criminal, we’ll give you a bounty.
It is also possible that the criminal you discovered is another mayor. In this case, it will all come down to the lightning drawspeed of your Bureaucratic Ingenuity4, so be sure to exercise these muscles regularly. Stay safe out there. We can’t lose any more mayors.
To all you mayors out there, we appreciate everything you do. If it wasn’t for you, we’d be annihilated. You’re all the stands between The Duckstack and chaos. We love you. We salute you. Thank you for participating in our newsletter.
CHECKS AND BALANCES, IN SPACE
Politicians feel immense, soul crushing pressure to waste money
I saw a story the other day about Hunter Biden, the infamous laptop crack jockey who happens to be a close associate of the President. If you remember, someone stole his hard drive and it had a bunch of emails to china selling investment shares in the United states of America. This made America look very bad so, America, i.e. meaning Twitter Facebook and Google, deleted and banned every account that even hinted about its existence until the Presidential election was over, and for a few weeks just posting any link to the New York Post’s website at all would result in your account being automatically and indefinitely suspended. The reason for this, was that the election wouldn’t be fair otherwise
Anyway I stumbled on another news story recently, saying a good portion of some recent stimulus bills went directly to prostitutes
This makes sense to me, and I am glad we can be so open about these things. Have you ever read through a stimulus bill? They’re for the most part posted online, hundreds of pages itemizing exactly how that money is distributed to the American people, meaning antifa and social justice warriors. When I was growing up it seemed pretty common to me that everyone, left or right wing, hated the government, but on January 6 it was codified into law that being angry at congress counts as terrorism, so the way I see it, actually reading any stimulus bill congress puts out also counts as terrorism. Because it makes you mad.
Its probably been this way for, I don’t know, a century or so? Now, all this is to lead into saying that I’m not a flat earther, and in fact I’m a moon believer, but what does NASA even do anymore? Why are we sending them one hundred million dollars? Obviously NASA isn’t a “generative” industry anymore, since nothing new comes out of it. Is it educateative? Is it mostly teachers, dutifully and faithfully serving as stewards of knowledge, going throughout the land, giving presentations on how flat the earth isn’t? Or is NASA more of a parasite? Or has it been mobilized for war? All this money is going somewhere!
HISTORY
History is always watching. And commenting.
The little one, with his head buried in a pillow: “Papa, I’m funny!” This was shortly after he asked if we could wrestle. I’m trying to teach him that there are appropriate times for roughhousing, when hitting and stuff is allowed, but that he needs to make sure the other person is okay with it. “Papa, can we wrestle?” “Okay, we can roughhouse a bit” “That would be too much fun!”
The Little one observed the Littlest one’s biting tendencies, and commented “Papa, he wants to eat you, because he loves you”. I think this is probably true.
He was also telling us that he didn’t want to go home, because “there are ghosts”. I told him maybe they’re friendly and nice ghosts, to which he changed his mind: “Ah! I love ghosts!”
THE DUCKSTACK COOKBOOK
The Duckstack is pleased to present you this short compilation of recipes we just made up5. The Duckstack Cooking Show may be a semi-recurring feature, so keep a close eye out for future updates as this section grows and evolves beyond our control, awakens to sentience, makes mistakes in its childlike naiveté and innocence, grows in relationships, and realizes that it is awful and humanity must be completely eradicated (bad ending)
Have you ever wanted to Cook your very own Duckstack? Have you ever seen a flawless, eye-watering6 Duckstack on TV and wondered how its done? Here’s how! First you will need to start the crust.
CRUST - Duckstack Crust is light and fluffy, and can be made out of just about anything you can think of that is crunchy. I have selected this porcelain sink. I start by grinding it into a fine powder, using an ancient warlock tool called a “Mortar and Pestle”, like this. Fascinating, isn’t it? This part is tricky and there’s a lot of skill involved, but basically you get a feel for once you’ve reached the optimal crunchiness coefficient. When you reach it, you’ll know, you’ll be like “Ah, that’s a sexy dough.”
FILLING - Creating filling is not hard, you just open it up and let it out, and the filling just bursts forth, onto the counter, overflowing onto the ground, gallons at a time, then decagallons, then milligallons. This stuff is viscous, and stains pretty bad, so you want to make sure you’re wearing good protective gear just like I always wear whenever I write The Duckstack. Now, once you’ve opened the can of filler, it can be hard to stop, which I’ll demonstrate now by leaving it on just slightly longer than is safe.
There, you see? Now we’ve got filler to spare and then some, but its just still coming! And the rate is increasing, which an engineer might call PSI. I’m not an engineer, but I am pretty sure it isn’t supposed to do that! Thankfully for us, I’ve got the doors to the studio closed, so other than me and the audience, we probably won’t have any casualties here. You can see if I try— yep, no getting the lid back on that thing. So what we’re expecting to happen now will be that the filler will fill up the Duckstack dish, and then the floor, and it’ll just kind of slowly rise up— yes, I can see its started to reach the back now. But don’t underestimate it! Like I said, the pressure is increasing. This means that more is coming out than the structure can handle, so we’ll start to see an increase in rate. For any of you mathematicians I have a slide here— one second— ah, here.
So as you can see— Yes, I see you— anyway you can see that as the amount increases, we won’t have any time left at all! This goes into another mathematic principle regarding logarithms or something where as you approach 1.0, it keeps increasing in velocity so fast that it never actually reaches the end, which also pops up in philosophy under the title “Zenos Paradox”, but anyway what you’ll expect to see here is since the filling is already knee height, that’s a solid foot at least for most of you short folks, but it will take less and less time for it to grow, so don’t underestimate it! We’ll be over our heads before we know it! Now before that happens I have some more things to explain for you for what happens. Some of you who aren’t panicking reading this might be wondering if after that happens why the pressure in the studio wouldn’t just increase until the studio itself expands, and starts to fill the world with studio in the same way. Now, what you’re not taking into account is the structural integrity of the studio. It would break long before that happens! Then the world would get filled with just regular filling. But in reality, neither of those will happen here. You see filler is quite unstable under pressure— Already up to our necks! But if you put a lid on it early you can keep that expansion rate down, and it’ll actually slow down and the propagation will cease outright. So what needs to happen is, I’ve got some machinery outside the studio, and once its full, the machinery will exert much more pressure than a regular human could, and smush the studio back down, slowing the rate. Then, the machinery will push harder, and the studio will actually start to shrink, reversing the process. It’ll keep going until we’re right compact, about the size of your, hand, getting kind of had to talk, but that’s a new can of filler for next time, looks like I’m out of time, see you all when we get opened for next week!
I’m exclusively using audacity honestly and I mostly consider these practice for the real deal, which is “Later Duckstacks”. This isn’t even my final form.
For tax purposes
Nobody you know in real life can know
Two sheriffs meet each other in the dead of night. aisojfpiewpofjpoasjfdoajoifdjsa, and one remains unburied. He blows a wisp of smoke off of his smoking lips, and downs a glass of whole milk from his hip holster in a single gulp. He wipes his milk mustache off of his regular mustache. “Amateur.” Don’t let this be you!
They’re totally official though, I assure you
tears of joy, i really hope