Rube Tube
If you pull enough wool over your eyes you curl up into a little ball
Duckstacking the net
What is the most sly place to put a duckstack? A question with vast implications. Under a couch cushion can go undiscovered for years, as well as stashed in an unsuspecting glovebox. Readers write in:
James0572 writes: It might not be the most sly, but I keep mine in the fridge. Nothing like cracking open a cold Duckstack late at night before heading back to bed1.
Joe Biden, 46th president of the United States: Huh? What?
James0563 writes: The slyest spot I know is in the mailbox, but taped behind a false wall. Nobody ever suspects they’ve been duckstacked in this way. You don’t even have to sneak into their house. Be sure to put a stamp on it just in case though, mailmen can smell it.
James0474 writes: slip it into someone’s morning tea. If you wrap it around the cup it won’t make much of a difference until its too late. Boom. Duckstacked.
James0393 writes: I like to drop them down the chimney but sometimes they burn to death
Astonemy
something to whet your appetite
It is well known in science that stones come in two varieties: Whetstone, and Drystone. I just made that up2. If your stonesign is whet or dry you have a different horoscope this week:
Whetstone: You are the winner. Take risks, beat people in contests, rub it in their face, they deserve it. You deserve it. Treat yourself to something nice, and let everyone know its because you’re one of the chosen.
Drystone (loser): Despite everything, you have not succeeded. Try as you might you will continue to get stuck, frustrated, and downtrodden by your betters who have a different stonesign. Most likely your only hope is to invent time travel and change the stone under which you are born. You’ll fail of course, its your destiny. Try again next week.
internet poisoning
Contact poisoning. Inhaled. Ingested. Injected.
I had a lot of things I had planned to write about this week. My writers backlog is about 30 topics long, and today it grows to 31, because possibly nothing could be more important to convey than that the internet is real life.
Its well known and documented that the internet warps people's brains and I don't feel like I have to prove that to you. The real sticky part is when you say “oh but the internet would never warp MY brain”, well I have news for you which is that I checked and your brain seems pretty normal.
The second cope is to say “well if I avoid the internet I will avoid brain warpage” and this is where the bad news comes in: you won't. Even if you don't interact with the internet directly, the internet will send brain warping ambassadors to you and they'll stretch yours out like taffy and then probably tie it in a knot to boot, because all brain warping ambassadors are sadists3.
I have a lot of friends who are not interested in politics, who are mostly off social media and who voted for Biden because he “seems nicer4” and who mostly spend their time watching the latest movie that’s come out, playing games, and doing little crafty hobbies, and I think that’s noble. They are “touching grass5”, they are in their lane, they are flourishing, they are expanding their element and living in their domain and growing their capabilities. They are also being mown down by the dozens, they are deer living in the middle of a planet wide deforestation campaign with bulldozers and dynamite. The people who write their movies are extremely online. The people who put labels on their food are extremely online. The people who write the laws and the people who judge the laws are all “internet poisoned.” But that’s not even society’s subcutaneous. All of this is managed. Taylor Swift has a team deciding what celebrity she should date next. NGOs have distributed networks of influencer accounts all run by the same person for people like Kamala Harris and Morgan Freeman to get them all talking about the same “thing” at once. As soon as you zoom out beyond hammer striking range, there’s someone engineering it, trying to, or planning to. And not to be a doomer but basically everyone around you is going to drown in it and if you can’t speak the imaginary made up language you’ll be a weirdo and an outcast who can’t communicate with anyone. And also your kids.
Whatever world you grew up in, your kids friends are all growing up in a digital one. They’re going to be totally informed by all these kids shows that have “two mommies” and that say girls can do anything boys can do, that everyone is interchangeable, And what are your kids going to do about it? That’s just one example, but there are many. The average age of first exposure to pornography is about 8 years old now, and that primarily happens at friends houses.
This is and should be horrifying, but its not like there’s any reverse button. You shouldn’t want to be interested in politics, you shouldn’t have to be interested in politics, but the fact of the matter is all water is about to be polluted and survival will be determined by who is best at filtering it. You can raise your kids in cages, but this will cripple them from being able to navigate the real world. Of course, I’m not an accelerationist, I’m not saying give your kids 15 hours of screen time, but you are going to need to figure out how to navigate this, and so are they. Because otherwise the brain warpers are going to get you, but you won’t even know it, let alone be able to steer for a controlled landing. If you’re aware of what’s happening, you can at least try to counterbalance.
Duckstack Ice fishing
Everyone needs ice. Now.
Go out and look over the frozen lake, swimming with ice cubes. Your family is counting on you for a good catch to keep the meat cold this week, and you have no intention of disappointing them. You’ve got your fur coat, hat, scarf, and fingerless gloves6, but most importantly your fishing rod, which is just a rod you’ve repurposed from fly fishing.
Now, put a dollop of water on your hook— Just a small one, you don’t want to layer it too big. Then slowly lower the hook into the water. You will need to wait a bit, as ice cubes can be somewhat skittish. Now, carefully… Carefully… Ever so carefully, move it back and forth, to simulate life. If you’re lucky, one of the ice cubes in the water will swim up, and give it— A little nibble. So soft, but the ice cube will turn the water on the hook to ice, and merge with the ice cube itself. This seals the ice cube to your hook, and now its time to reel it in!
Don’t fight it too hard, but keep a steady hand and firm tension on the line. Pull the ice cube from the water and drop it in your bucket. Just a few more times, and your family will live to have protein for another day.
History
We have converted our toddler to cement
Jethro had a dream this week where I promised to get him some pokemon cereal and I guess he woke up and I was gone at work and he started crying because I had promised. I tried to take him out later that week to hunt for this imaginary pokemon cereal but I think it isn’t in season. Oh well. At least I kept my promise.
Our toddler is in his “advice receiving” phase of life. Here is some advice he received this week:
Don't lick people
Never eat coins
don't put cars down people's shirts
Put Jethro in the car. He said: “lets just hurry up and go. before I freeze to death… in the cold…”
Jethro is sick this week. Some kind of a flu, tossing and turning in his sleep and yelling and stuff. “Jethro, I thought you were supposed to be asleep?” “I AM ASLEEP” *thrash thrash thrash*
Ducksnax
Setting
I certainly can’t think of anything like that.
I naturally assume whoever is in charge of science reads The Duckstack
Its kind of in the name, isn’t it
A relatively tame clip of Joe Biden compared to some other ones that I have seen
“touch grass”, an insult meaning “you are out of touch and/or insane”
To look cool
The Internet is like a radioactive metal. You don't have to use it to have it kill you. It can just exist in your world, nearby and you'll still die.
Understanding this aspect of its nature, rather than seeing it like a tool or entertainment, is like wearing a hazmat suit... so we can use the Internet without it killing us.