Slant Plant
Angry trees with wheels, the pinewood derby is coming
Stop, Drop, and Duckstack
If you dream of The Duckstack this week, don’t panic. Duckstacks can smell fear. Calmly read it, politely golf clap as you usually do, and send it off to its next victim, perhaps with a knapsack full of sandwiches as goodies. There is no cause for alarm, because we are testing a new disposal system where old Duckstacks, rather than going to email trash folders, are instead sent to people’s dreams, where they will no longer clutter the real world. If you are chosen for Dream Duckstack Disposal Beta, let us know how you liked it, and any differences, if there were any. We’re not expecting dream Duckstacks to seem that much different from the real thing, but you never know. Our worry is that some Duckstack sections might get lost in the translation to dream and instead end up as orphans, forced to rely on their quick wit and begging to get by. Thank you for your patience and cooperation, and keep an eye on your dream inboxes tonight!
Confuseopoly
Pass go, then go back 6 spaces, give $200 to the bank (for safekeeping), repeat no less than 4 times, buy a property, give it to the bank (for safekeeping), then go to jail (for safekeeping)
Capitalism, in theory, is when you’ve got an economic setup where people can sell things and buy things pretty much freely, maybe some regulations about scams or nukes or whatever but supply meets demand and things even out in a price and it ends up more or less fair. That’s the theory.
The supply demand equilibrium is what’s called a compromise by relationship psychologists1. But there is one problem2, which is that the producer and the consumer happen to both be abusive spouses, who would happily rip each other off, all things considered. It is beautiful, in a way, the savagery of nature
So you’ve got a little mini war, leading to what relationship psychologists call an arms race, and personally it looks like consumers are getting absolutely stomped, partly because insurance racketeering but also corporations have invented this technological superdisaster called “bundles”, enabling the creation of what Scott Adams dubbed “The Confusopoly”. By only offering goods on condition of billions of other tiny variables (Scott uses the example of mobile phone plans, with like x minutes y data z service coverage i rebates j price cuts k service plans l warranties m contract duration and etc) and all the bundles are so random and different that the consumer cannot meaningfully compare offerings from different companies. So they can keep prices high and not worry about losing customers to competitors. Even though T Mobile kind of sucks, objectively.
But the United States Government encourages all of this, because making costs higher raises the GDP which is all almost anyone with decision making power currently cares about. And if you can’t afford a house anymore, who are you to complain? The GDP is higher than its ever been. One suspects however at some point and for the sake of simplicity they would just boil everything down and go for a simpler system like Paris, where 80% of the country’s GDP comes from just pickpocketing.
What Type of Potato Chip Are You
a chip off the ol' block
Since the dawn of time as far as I know3 mankind has been making potato chips, with the very possible single exception of maybe the Irish potato famine. Chips are great, I’ve learned a lot from potato chips, I’ve got some chips, my son’s got some chips, we’re happy. But if you were a chip, yourself, would people still love you? Take this quiz to find out.
1: Are you a glutton, or do you prefer to savor the moment? If you answered glutton, your potato chip is massive, the size of a common watermelon, at least. If you answered savor the moment, your potato chip is pre-broken into tiny crumbles.
2: Do you get angry easily, or do you prefer to pretend against all evidence and to great personal detriment that nothing is wrong?4 If you get angry easily, your potato chip is dipped in way too much salt. If you answered ignore problems, your potato is dipped is hot sauce or jalapeno powder or some similar flavoring.
3: Do you find yourself hesitating between decisions, or do you go with your gut? if you’re a hesitater5, add waves to your chip, and if you’re a go with the flow guy, your chip is straight edge.6
4: Are you currently employed? If no, you’re bagged. If yes, you’re canned.
5: What’s your hair color? For everything but blonde, your chip is your hair color7. For blondes, your chip is normal chip color, but also glows in the dark.
6: Do you crush your enemies, or avoid them? If you’re an enemy crusher, your chip is thinner than paper, thinner than hair even. You get a paper cut just thinking about your chip, almost. If you’re more avoidant of a personality, your chip is inches thick.
Well? How’d you do? Comment your potato chip below!
History
Lots of headaches this week, most caused by illness, some caused by headbutts
The toddler knows some animal noises, though I use “know” somewhat loosely because every time he tells us cats go “meow” there is a 50% chance he will say cats go “meenow”, so you can listen to him say it over and over again and he’ll seamlessly switch between meow and meenow with no rhyme or reason
The toddler is learning chase games. Mama chased him and he ran as fast as his little legs could take him into the laundry room, and he didn’t skip a beat and dove straight into the open dryer. Don’t worry, it wasn’t on.
toddler found a fun new projectile weapon at win-co: Whole gallons of milk8
We took the kids to a carnival last weekend. Jethro was able to overcome his (merited) fear of roller coasters to go on the kids one, which did not smack his head against the side, as much, this time. But he did have fun. We went on the ferris wheel and he asked why we don’t plant more trees, I told him we have plenty of trees, and he said “Well, why don’t you plant a human? Or plant lemonade!” and I think he has some very valid points
Took him into an outhouse. “Oh, this is cute!” not the words I woulda used
He was playing a repetition game with mama and she was like “I love you mama” and he was like “I love you mama” and she was like “because you take care of me” and he repeated that, and then she was like “but mostly its your sparkling personality that I adore” and he was like “uhh, your personality is caught in the door”. you can’t refute that
We took Jethro shopping. “Oh! Broccoli is my favorite vegetable. And crackers.” He eats 1 pack of ritz per meal currently
Told Jethro good job eating. “Its what I do!”
Jethro was out gardening with my wife and they saw a snake! Without skipping a beat Jethro picked up a stick and held it up mischievously: “The chickens will love it!”
“Jethro go to sleep.” “I am sleeping.” “You don’t sound asleep.” “I’m sleep talking.”
Jethro came up and gave mama a hug (both kids love to do this randomly all the time now although the toddler is not yet good at modulating his strength) but then Jethro just stayed there for a while, before whispering “I’m an octopus”
What is an economist, but a relationship psychologist in the end?
As long as you don’t count all the other ones
I have not researched and indeed will never research this
One or the other baby
I’m a hesiHATER
stone cold sober potato chip
Don’t think of it as gross, think of it as like, “whole grain”
what are we going to do? I grabbed a cup from the cup section and between our whole family we drank the entire gallon. On the spot.