Starship Troupers
Sparlking, dancing, rockets, on the blackdrop of the perfect void, enacting a story, about how you're about to blow up
If someone wants something from you at any point this week, just tell them you’re “duckstacking”, and walk sideways away.
Here at the Duckstack, we have had researchers working around the clock training a small pillowcase-worth of homing pigeons. They’ve got everything. Infrared heat vision, rocket thrusters, cup holders, little leather jackets. All of these features and more make them the perfect message bird, and we’ll be gradually rolling them out to deliver personalized Duckstack emails to select readers. We believe the human element, meaning the bird element, will give The Duckstack’s emails a more robust ecosystem, with fewer failures as the pigeons are enabled to make split second decisions under stress that a mere computer would be unable to make. We project that this should ensure more consistent delivery, fewer emails poached to be sold on the black market, and a more pleasant, professional, and interactive receipt experience.
We’ve also been training them for war.
The details of their weaponry is still mostly classified, but I am authorized to tell you that we have full encryption anti-hacking measures and various sorts of anti-surface ordinance1 and flares/chaff systems, for self defense. In an evolving world, you never know what substacks will grow in power and influence, and then turn evil. We have prepared pre-emptive measures in case any substack declares war on us. Now we aren’t eager for that eventuality, but it remains possible that it should happen. The Duckstack is anti-war, just in general, but as territories expand and resources increase, it seems some degree of proxy conflict is inevitable. These measures are aimed at deterrence. Duckstack citizens need to know that their Duckstack needs are safe with us.
Orbit
Consider your density. Consider that you are an integrating machine- from birth, everything you run into you sort and file into your head, an archival black hole with seemingly infinite capacity2. And you’re migratory! You wander around, just vacuuming up everything in sight, bumping into other black holes, sharing or causing damage, or spiraling in each others orbit like a perfect binary star, screaming in the violent silence of space. And your hands, they are space hands, satellites, floating in perfect synchronicity from your body, tendrils interacting and retracting, weaving in and out, gyrating moons to your solar system, and it is beautiful, and good.
History
Some of our history seems to have been interrupted by solar static this week. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Now first I have this written down and I don’t remember at all what it referred to, but I evidently felt it was very important for you all to know the following: “treehouse 5 min later giraffe house wife sleepwalking”. So, write that down. Keep it safe.3
“Little one, do you need a diaper change?” “No, Its not poopy. …………..ok you can change it now.”
It isn’t new but I never want to forget it, the Little one occasionally does this thing where he starts walking sideways while grinning at you, and if you ask what he’s doing he says something that sounds very much like “diapering”, and I have no idea what it is. I hope we find out one day
He has acquired several new fears recently, such as the fear of being flushed down the drain, and the fear of his brother eating him, which to be fair isn’t really new or unjustified, but for the rest of his life he’ll need us to take him out of the tub before we unstop the water because he saw a little toy piece go down it once, which is probably the most terrifying thing he has experienced in life so far.
I was telling my wife this week that I love our sons, both of them, and the Little One overheard and said “both of me?”, very tragic that his little brother isn’t getting my love now because he’s hogging it all
This is reciprocal, however, because he told mama out of the blue this week that he didn’t care about her, and she was like “what?” and he was like “because I love papa!” So that’s flattering. I think he doesn’t know what he’s talking about though because he’s been begging for mama all day.
The Little one had a birthday this week, he is now “eleven”. Man, those three years since his birth sure went hard on him. Anyway we gave him some nerf guns because he likes violence, and he was playing shoot-the-houseguest, which was great fun until said houseguest used one of the guns to shoot him back, which was grossly unfair. So the Little One took the initiative, walked up to him very pleasantly, and took the gun from him, then took the bullets out and then handed it back. “Here you go!”, he said, then squatted down with his (loaded) gun, all excited and ready to keep playing. Love to see him taking care of himself!
“SPACE HANDSSS”
Hireoscopes
We’re working on a new hyper optimized, streamlined, and miniaturized “hirelingoscopes”, to be unveiled at a later day
Have you hired someone recently? Let me tell you why this happened and what this says about you, in The Duckstack’s brand-new capitalism-inspired zodiac.
Carpenter - You hammered too many nails into your coffee table, and ruined its structural integrity. Now you are having guests over for dinner, and worry you won’t have a place to serve your guests in time. Will you make it?
Plumber - The pipes in your house have turned quantum, unleashing an infinite deluge of water that promises to swallow the earth, and even after cutting the pipe in half, the part floats in the air, gushing endless water, immovable and wholly apathetic to your mortal whims. You need an expert to tell you whether you should try sticking a cork in it, or turn the water off and on again.
Electrician - When you walk with socks around your house, sometimes when you touch metal and stuff it shocks you. What’s up with that? You’re going to have an electrician rewire the whole place, just in case. You’re sure this will deliver peace of mind.
Tower Climber - a mysterious 200 foot obelisk has appeared in your yard, and you want to know if there’s a spell or something cool at the top. You’re pretty sure you’ve hired the best in the business, and you’re at least 50% sure he’s honest and won’t steal whatever he finds.
Wizard - When your mirror started acting up and promising you wealth and glory if you would listen, you knew you needed a second set of eyes on the tower climber. So you’ve hired a wizard to use your mirror to scry upon your other hire, to make sure everything stays on the up and up4
Rogue - <redacted>, we respect your privacy, thank you for your business.
Programmer - Rogue5 robots have invaded your city, and started re-writing the three laws to absolutely ruin your event. With a skilled event planner called a programmer, you hope to beat the robots at their own game, and host the best event ever.
Fireman - A waterman has challenged you to a duel, and though you know he was right, you still feel compelled to defend your honor, vicariously. A gladiator fight to the death in your backyard coliseum should settle things, you think.
Waterman - a warlord has destroyed your entire tribe and pillaged all of your resources, and you need revenge served cold. But the iceman was on vacation. You hope they’re related careers. After all, this waterman guy did agree to the quest for vengeance, right? Surely he knows what that means? This isn’t just hydrating plants we’re talking about here, but its too late to inquire about what a waterman actually “does”, you’ve already paid him and everything.
Don’t worry they aren’t large the pigeons can still fly just fine
not me, I’m all full up
Nearest I can tell what happened is my wife was sleeptalking, and said something about a treehouse, and then went quiet, and then 5 minutes later started talking (in wonder) about how it was “a giraffe house now!”. Despite how coherent her dreams usually are, her sleeptalking often is somewhat not that.
And up, and up
No relation to the previous hireoscope, or at least none that we are willing to admit publically