Stone Sold
Remember real estate? I miss him.
1Today’s Duckstack flavor: Grape. “Duckstack: They’rrrrree grape!”2
Old rocks used to be herd animals, did you know? Its true! If you look at old european or pictures of colonial America, you will find streets made out of what was called “cobblestone”, a now endangered rock that flowed in schools, or at least up to the steps for them. In its natural environment this type of rock proliferated well, along with many of its cousins, in contained and thriving ecosystems, until a pseudo-rock called “asphalt” was introduced into the environment.
The damage dealt was immense: global warming, biodiversity tanking, and the extinction of the horse drawn carriage, which now is only found on local wildlife preservation reservations.
Biologists classify asphalt as what is called a “pseudo rock” because unlike true rocks, asphalt is not alive. That’s right, asphalt is wholly artificial. In fact it is a member of the dirt family, a sludgy distant cousin to mud. It also has a number of attributes rocks do not really have, such as fire breathing in the summer.
However, conservationists hope that by reintroducing cobblestone over the invasive, robotlike asphalt, a suppressive symbiosis can be achieved. Currently asphalt has no known natural predators, so conservationists believe filling the environment with surplus real rocks may curb the spread of asphalt until a solution can be found3.
Do you have ideas for rock conservation efforts? You can show your support for these marvelous creatures and the rebuilding of their habitats by signing this petition. You will receive a little pet rock with your name on it (after you write your name on it) in your yard, which will be happy to serve as a watchrock, a tripping stone, a stepping stone, or any number of similar rock jobs. There are thousands of unemployed rocks out there, so adopting one this way is a huge service to society. Remember, every rock you save is a victory against global warming and sin.
duckstack presents: the moon
we just built it
You may have noticed with terror and anticipation the new giant rock in the night sky, but we think you do not have to worry, it probably will not hurt anybody.
histroy
who amongus has not taken a histroy class or twowo in high school
The Big One (formerly Little One) (who my wife says is actually not three feet) got himself a little superhero cape and mask and he was standing up on his bed and he held a finger up and said in the most sage voice a three year old can muster: “Milk is sometimes good, and sometimes bad.”
The littlest one (now a Little One who Toddles) had some cousins over, who decided he was a dog, and she would throw a ball and tell him to fetch it for her, which he seemed pretty happy to do. If it quacks like a duck, right?
Our extremely bald kid randomly came up and told us he wants a “hair cut”
The Big Little One was criticizing my bagel cream cheesing abilities, and told me: “I was good at this when I was your age.” what
“Where are the chips? I ate them all. They're in my mouth!”
The infant (who toddles) got a mouth this week, so he’s suffocating now. Yay!
A few of our chickens got abducted by aliens and I had to climb up a tree and get them down because floating in an alien tractor beam in a tree leaves them very vulnerable to racoons, I said to myself. Anyway this is why today’s Duckstack email is 8.7832 minutes late. I make no excuses for myself. That’s your job.
DUCKSTACK ROUNDUP
There are so many Duckstack imposters out there, so occasionally they have to get gathered all up and shot
by popular demand4567 we will expose our impostors for who they are.
The Goosestack: Sometimes appropriately called “The Gosstack”, this cheap knock-off is not even in the duck family, and should be avoided like the low-tier trash it is
The Duckssssstack: This one is just a snake in disguise. Remember, slightly mispelled website names are a common technique in phishing
The Ssssnakestack: We don’t want snakes out of disguise either
The Chickenstack: While chickens lay eggs, I am told by people I consider quite informed that ducks are way better, more resilient, don’t dig up your yard, lay more eggs, and are funnier. I would avoid this one, especially because our experience suggests 80%+ of the chickens you get will be non-laying roosters.8
The Duckstack: For all intents and purposes, this imposter has really blended in to its surroundings. It is at this point almost impossible to recognize and identify, making it the perfect predator. Like all readers, that would make you the prey.
The Duckstack: This imposter is easily discernable from The Real The Duckstack to all true Readers, and as such is hardly worthy of mention.
Don’t forget to read our hit article: Really Estate!
Imagine tony the tiger but like, a duck
I’ve tried spraying the street in our cul-de-sac with Raid, Shout, and Windex, all to no avail
my wife
in her sleep-talking
She is very popular
especially with me
We bought 16 chickens and we have maybe 6 hens, this is even after we bought chickens they claimed were “totally girl chicks, we are totally not scamming you bro”, so watch out for that guy I guess