Glib Riff
To speak in tongues requires a lot of them.
A duckstack by any other name
There’s a lot of stuff you can buy with money, for example things that can be traded for other money, like houses and gift cards. Its this versatility that lends money its continuing popularity to this day. But what is the origin of money? We don’t know. It started growing out of sidewalk cracks and people started picking it and then a few centuries of cultivating and you’ve got the modern dollar and its place in society, which is the equivalent of a handful of cents1. Humans have evolved, presumably through careful eugenic breeding programs organized by said dollar, to use the stuff for everything, including food, although it is usually exchanged for food for this purpose. Its pretty impressive, but I think anyone reasonable looking at it is going to go “why can’t I do that?” and invent their own dollar. My personal dollar was half centimeter origami bipeds that I folded endlessly in jr high school. But I’m older now. I’m wiser. I can do better. Soon, everyone will be conducting business in Duckstacks2.
Fast Deals
What’s the deal with fast?
In an extremely online social economy, you’re bound to get quite a few people selling things, which many find annoying. The reason this is annoying is because many people have great difficulty selling something whilst remaining authentic- leaving the sellee feeling used and lied to, sometimes even when they bought it and it was something they wanted. I’m still not sure how I feel about my first car salesman, even though I loved the car and enjoyed driving it for years. So especially in online circles, where the primary thing being sold is words3, a common polemic is “grifter”.
The word grifter doesn't mean “salesman” though. It means liar, an accusation that one is engaging in discourse dishonestly, because someone paid you to recite talking points or because you hope to make money off of it or because you're trying to trick people into something against their interests and in favor of yours. “He doesn’t really believe it”
This instinct isn't totally incorrect. Its true that making money ties you into certain views. Jon Stewart is never going to start saying conservative things, and its not because he isn't smart enough to grasp conservative arguments. The Book of Mormon warns against priestcrafts, which is “preaching to get gain and popularity.” To break from everything and everyone who supported you for dozens of years for the sake of mere honesty is probably a pretty comical thought for most rich and powerful. I don’t think they’re necessarily lying though- a man selling fools gold will often convince himself of its “real, tangible almost benefits”.
To be a grifter, you have to go beyond convincing yourself. You have to be selling something that you know is snake oil4. If you're convinced you're selling the real deal, you're not a grifter, and if you're honest about selling a lie, you're also not a grifter. If you write a jokes book and people pay you for it and don't find your jokes funny, that's not grifting. To be a grifter requires not buying into your own supply. If you believe it, you’re just being sincere, to whatever good or bad outcome.
Now Jon Stewart may be a “talking head”- A vessel for ideologies written by people other than him which he simply repeats for the powers behind him, and conservatives and liberals both have a lot of those. But that doesn’t mean the radio personality doesn’t buy into it on some level- they’re incentivized to find reasons to believe what they’re being given to say, for conscience reasons. Even if they aren’t necessarily a believer, even if someone is disingenuous, that doesn’t necessarily mean what they say is false or not valuable. There are such thing as scaffolding beliefs, things which you can later use to reach more true conclusions, or even outright tall tales can at times be inspiring or have deep morals, as in Aesops fables. Certainly Aesop and the Brothers Grimm were not grifters, they were entertainers and preachers, something in between. The truth of the stories is not the important part, and focusing on it is to miss the forest for the trees.
Bad actors also exist, trolls and FBI members5 and Utah democrats who sign up as republican because “Its the only way to have an influence in state politics”6. They love to go online and proclaim “as a republican, I like Spencer Cox7” and these types should rightly be derided and ostracized where possible. But this can easily be done on grounds of their beliefs, which they are open about. You can call them dishonorable liars and scoundrels, because that’s what they are, and again I must stress they are always super open about it. Because they want to convert people to their true views, they aren’t going to just lie about their stance on abortion and gay marriage and stuff, they will just tell it to you while insisting they’re conservative.
In each case, the general rule is people say what they mean. Very few people are trying to rip other people off, financially or philosophically. Everybody is human, and it is good to approach them as such. Authenticity is something we strive for in ourselves, so its important to make sure you’re not in a motes and beams situation.
I think one of the important things about selling things online is just to make sure you aren’t extorting people. Every Latter-Day Saint gets asked in regular interviews every few years: “Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?” Your answer isn’t interrogated, its just there for you to think about. In the end, you know if you’re selling something real or not, manipulating or leveraging friendships at their expense, and refusing to give people what they ordered. One day, God is going to look you in the eyes and ask you about it, after all. You have to make money to live. How did you go about doing that?
Billiards: An Introduction
Billiards by bob
Alright next up we've got an explanation of …Really? Billiards? I don't know the first thing about billiards. Why would they have me talking about billiards? I don't know if I've ever even played. All right all right. Calm down I'll do it, no need to point that thing at me.
Okay so Billiards is similar to pool, in that its played on the same table, I think. I think they are different games. You set it up the same with the triangle and stuff but I think the 8 ball is an instant loss in pool but in billiards its just another number, and you're trying to add up to 138. One person is solids and the other is stripes, kind of like shirts and skins in soccer or lacrosse or whatever.
You're taking turns with the sticks, shooting the balls around the table trying to add up to 13 probably, or maybe its to spell horse, either way that's what you're doing. Its tricky because your stick is flat and balls are round, so they don't go the same way twice. That doesn't stop players from trying. Actually maybe they can because there's only 360 degrees in a sphere right? Or does it fraction out to even more degrees as you zoom in? Okay for the sake of argument lets say they always go the same way. So you can calculate what's going to happen as long as you don't put spin on them or they don't become sentient and sprout legs and walk away or something. I think that would probably be a foul.
Penalties in Billiards are likely administered corporealy. With the sticks. This is where it becomes a betting man’s game: Who can hold out the longest? This is why I don't play this stupid game
Anyway it goes great with smoking because its kind of like dungeons and dragons where everyone is watching the table waiting for one person to make their move. I assume 360 degrees of calculation takes the average dude a while to work out so everyone has a lot of free time as long as they don't need to break up a penalty shot.
Anyway if you're interested in jumping in to this fascinating(?) sport, you'll need some simple equipment:
A stick. This can be any stick, but its recommended to buy a straight one at the store to make calculations easier.
pencil and notepad: writing out all the angle possibilities each turn can go through a lot of paper.
bulletproof vest: A lot can happen.
one half set of pool balls, now called billiard balls, either shirted or skinned9.
If you want to be fancy, bring your set in one of those loose mesh bags to make sure they can breathe. Don't use bags from onions and stuff at the grocery store though, it will send the wrong message. It has to be fabric.
Well that's it. In conclusion billiards is an american sport for americans and beloved by youth everywhere, you can meet people and make money on betting, but more importantly you can make lifelong memories. Geez finally
Historg
Historg from the borg or something idk
The toddler has developed a rather funny habit, which is sleeping. The sleep isn’t the funny part of course, the funny part is that he climbs up onto chairs and benches, curls into a turtle position, and then falls asleep, barely fitting onto the chair like that. And he does this consistently- when its bedtime he will often just wander off and we will find him up on a stool or chair or something. Given how incredibly fitful a sleeper he is, this seems incredibly ill advised but I don’t know how to get him to stop & he looks so cute & peaceful
When he’s awake, the toddler constantly sneaks outside to rip up grass and throw it to the chickens. I don’t think its sweet though, I think he likes controlling them.
The toddler found my electric razor, and just as he has apparently seen me do many times, used it on his tongue.
We went to a carnival a couple weeks ago. The toddler got to go on mini frog jumpers and roller coasters, but it all totally went off the rails when he saw the fireball. “That. I want THAT.” He pointed. He was focused. He was a little laser pointing towards the biggest promise of adrenaline he’d ever seen in his life. Well I didn’t let him go on it, because he is like 2 feet tall, and he contented himself just to watch. And then wouldn’t let us leave. Because he just wanted to watch. And dream.10
In baby news, the infant is going to grow up extremely used to being screamed at in her face, because her older brother loves her. To be fair: He also likes screaming in our faces, too. He’s overflowing with affection.
In wife news, I have a cute wife. Shout out to cute wives fr.
Ducksnax
Toasty
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I’ve got big hands
here let me forward you this email one hundred times
I am only slightly an exception, as I do have an Urban Fantasy which I let people pay me to support. I haven’t been able to publish frequently because my ability to write has been a lot lower with my son’s declining health and passing. I think its more honorable to pay for entertainment than it is to pay for ideas though, which is how I cope. (I will never accept money for The Duckstack because it would be disrespectful to the artists who allow me to use their work. I would be happy if you paid money for their work, however.)
A euphemism meaning, I assume, snake massage, because why would snakes need massages? So snake oil would be a useless thing.
FBI member reading this: Welcome to The Duckstack, we don’t do terrorism here.
I would estimate approximately 80,000 democrats in Utah do this. They are actually extremely open about it when you ask them.
I am so bitter rofl
I am rolling my eyes at my producer as I write this. He is waving for me to keep on with it.
I'm peeling some pool balls for a pot roast tonight, right now.
I legitimately think if the harnesses fit him he would have handled it just fine