Humored Humans
The first thing they teach you at clown school is to laugh.
The Duckstack’s secret ingredient? Love.
How many mysterious packages have you received in your lifetime. One? Fifty?
Do you think this makes you normal?
I was tallying it up the other day, and I have received far more mysterious packages than I thought. Is everyone like this? Is it a problem? Is there a sizeable portion of the population suffering from excessive mysterious packages?
As far as these shady parcels go, I don’t recognize the sender because I never recognize any senders. I have made a conscious effort to avoid knowing any addresses but my own my entire life and have been more or less successful. I’m not competing with anyone on this, its more of a personal thing. I could compete against you if you want. However, there’s one piece of mail I always recognize, even though its contents are indeed incomprehensible. This is The Duckstack.
HEAVY METAL
The Duckstack proudly presents this brand new product line of androids to meet the rapidly rising market demand for androids1.
The age of machines is upon us, and we want to make it a good one. We’ve got party hats and y2k branded party favors, ready to welcome our new peers. As you know, robots can be made out of many materials and have all sorts of personalities. But our newest line introduces a new shape: The human shape2. We've made these human androids up3 in several different materials. Order yours today!
Styrofoam: This is the industrial mans robot, favored by amazon employees and wall street alike. With ceramic pistons, you will find many of the joints to be self lubricating. And with cardboard alloy plating, this model is not so good at war, though it has been used for such and continues to be, especially in third world countries. Order yours today!
Wooden: An android made out of wood will by the talk of the town, if you are an elf and live in the trees. If you’re not, we don’t really know why you would be interested in this one, but we’re willing to sell it to you anyway, at no extra cost. But if you’re an elf, man what a fashion statement. Just think.
Water: We have found water is actually really bad at retaining its shape, so technically speaking when you turn on your faucet you're letting this model into, and then out of, your home. not very welcoming of you, I'd say. However we do have availabilities in more durable housing. Water can sustain up to 20% of its mass, so we have wrapped the base water in organic tissue, such as muscles and fat, with organic organs and such to aid circulation. We've detailed these to look like humans more than most androids, including such traits as hair, fingernails, and DNA. Several of these have been elected to various county boards and mayorships, and even some smartians.
Guns: Are you clean shaven4? The guns android is the model for you. We have stuck a whole bunch of guns together and called it a robot. They're all fused in really stupid ways so none of them can actually fire without blowing its own arm off or something, but imagine how your enemies will cower in fear when a bunch of guns just start walking towards them like man, how intimidating! You will win that chess game for sure!
Balloons: With a hefty price tag totaling in the thousands, you might find this android a cheap alternative to some of the more pricey models. It is great with kids! A balloon android is certain to liven up your house while it lasts!
Suns: An Android made out of suns will be a real asset in the winter! If you live in a colder climate, be honest with yourself. Doesn’t your own personal space heater android sound nice? In the seconds5 before the planet is swallowed and vaporized, you can experience homeliness like you've never experienced it before, guaranteed, or your money back. If you need a little less intense of a model, our wooden android also comes in the lit on fire variety.
Truly, there’s options for everyone. Don’t see yourself represented on this list? Send some feedback our way, and we’ll be sure to build something to fit the vacancy!
Real Politik
I support everyone’s right to be angry
Most people remember the BLM riots of 2020, the BLM storming of the white house, and the curiously, absurdly low punishments of many of the perpetrators
I see a lot of people question “why do conservatives lose”. Everyone loves to talk about this, left and right. Ignoring the illegal question of fraud, I think it really comes down to: “Conservatives can't afford to take hits.” Conservatives generally have things that are important to them, things which would be affected if something bad happened to us. Liberals, on average, have zero kids, maybe a girl they are living with, and a dead-end sort of job (my apologies if you are liberal and this stereotype excludes you.) So basically, liberalism breaks towards low dependents. This is also why liberalism is the home of LGBT. The bottom line is if I were to take up rioting as a hobby, getting arrested is an occupational hazard, which would harm not just me but also my family and career. So when conservatives go online, they usually go anonymously, and when conservatives are discontent, they rant about it on Substack rather than setting police cars on fire or shooting people for trying to pass through your greviance roadblock. The costs are just too high.
Recently, The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints expressed support for one ‘Respect for Marriage Act,’ a bill that codifies same sex marriage into federal law, which has caused a lot of church bashing by people who believe journalists and headlines, and I’ve had a lot of friends express disappointment that the church did not instead deputize all members and declare the U.S. Government illegitimate. This is an understandable view, but is spiritually liberal. A rejection of standards and unchecked idealism are liberal hallmarks6, but unfortunately, the church has something to lose.
One of those things is religious freedom, which several LGBT advocates have shown great eagerness to destroy or subjugate. I think the Christians are outnumbered on this, and the church did very well to, involve itself in spinning some real religious protections into the bill rather than just trying to somehow stop outright a federal gay marriage bill from being passed at this point. I would love to see proposition 8 levels of activism against sin again, but with the culture arranged how it is now, the risks are simply much greater. How do you play risk, or starcraft, or any war game, when you’re greatly outnumbered? Not a bunch of head on engagements, that’s for sure.
I’m not a pessimist that we’ll have numbers like that again at some point, but until then you are going to see tactics like this from most competent people and institutions- I don’t like the taste of compromise either, but you have to chip at a wave before you try to take it head on. And frankly, I don’t want to fight. I remember reading a rather impassioned post by an internet racist about how they didn’t want to care about this stuff, in the 90s it was solved. Egalitarianism was working, sort of, but the television shows were good. The nostalgia for the era was stronger than perhaps any other generation experiences. But somewhere along the line some pollution streams were introduced, and now nobody, liberal or conservative, is happy. That’s what it feels like to me. But I (from my conservative vantage) don’t blame women, I blame feminism. I don’t blame homosexuals, I blame the PRIDE movement. I don’t blame liberals. If there’s a route to dissipating some of the miasma that surrounds us, I have enough faith that I think the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints will find it. Even if its slower and less total than I might like. I’m a bit of a heartbroken idealist myself. Would I vote libertarian again sometime? Probably.
DUCKSTACK MARTIAL ARTS: Déjà Vu
Heee-yaw! I just karate chopped your “I’ve been here before7” right in half.
It has long been tradition in martial arts to meditate. The purpose of this is to focus your mind, to bring clarity to your thoughts, so when the time comes to act you can act with maximum efficiency. But! What if you could focus your mind in more than one time dimension? That would give you quite an edge. Can you learn to commit Déjà Vu on command? We intend to find out.
If you let us experiment on you, you might learn a new self defense that applies not only in the present, but the past also, in the future! Sounds pretty powerful doesn’t it? It’s all very theoretical right now, but should you harness this ability, we can see no reason you can’t time travel just slightly enough to feel like you’ve taken this kick on the jaw before, thus priming you to be more accepting of being kicked in the jaw. The possibilities of weaponizing this are truly limitless. Naturally, you would be the grandmaster, inheriting all titles and privledges inherent to being the only one on earth who can do this sort of stuff.
“What privileges??” Well, you can name all the moves. “Déjà Vu being kicked in the jaw before technique!” Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue, now does it?
History
There is no such thing as unwritten history if you’re bad enough at defining “writing”
The kid has started differentiating between parents. When I tell him no, he's started going to maka and complaining about it: “Mama, I was screaming downstairs and papa LEFT!” “yeah, papa doesn't like screaming, huh.” pause “…You're RIGHT!” Big revelation for him. After my meeting was over I made sure to give him some make-up attention.
My wife has taken to saying “I’m hiding” whenever the kid yells “Mama, where are you?” and he always replies “No you aren’t, because I’m a good finder!”
The little one has discovered the joys of putting toys in the fridge
The kid still doesn’t really know how to sleep and screams until we come to him multiple times throughout every night. Today he asked mama “why don’t you have any energy?”
People bang on my windows every so often, whether my car or my house, and shout at me: “We demand androids!”, I sympathize deeply.
Circles, squares, trapazoids, humans… rectangles,
We've made these human androids up
Being clean shaven used to mean you were a fighting man, because you shaved so that the other guy couldn’t yank you
uh, milli…. Milliseconds
Conservatives by token have unchecked pragmatism.