Parse Puppets
Upon keyboards as finger puppets, the whole internet's a show
The ‘Duckstack’ in the machine
Come, I wish to tell you the story of a big ‘ol cat, sort of like the wholly mammoth, but less extinct. This cat’s ancestors, the saber-tooth tiger, surely had sabers and teeth, but this cat only has one of those things. So picture just a regular cat, except fairly big, with either teeth or sabers. In this tale, the cat was a pirate, who had through much meditation and self-improvement podcasts conquered its hatred of water, and gone on to become an absolute scourge for the British navy and mercantile class. They would say: “I hate that cat!” but the cat (who was large) would laugh and laugh, and sail away on his Pirate-brand pirate raft.
One day, the British navy and mercantile classes decided to lay a trap for the cat, to end their troubles once and for all for good. After putting their British heads together, they crafted a subtil1 plan. Once their preparations were completely completed, one of they took a ship a-sailing, and sure enough when the big cat came to burgle them, they let their loot get tooken2. They pretended to be very upset over this, but inwardly they gloated. “We have him now” they thought to one another, rubbing their hands together schemely.
When the cat got to his hideout island, he dragged his chest full of ill-gotten goods to shore, shored up his island’s defenses, and said to himself, “shorely this will be a great haul, for this chest is so big.” and he smugly opened it, which triggered a mechanism full of gunpowder blasting hot lead and other shrapnel and debris through his whole fur coat and body, marking him a thief just as shorely as if a constable were to lop3 off his hand.
And that is how the Leopard got his spots.
Enterprise Charity
Empathy Platinum Tier Business Plan™
I had a friend who did sales after high school, and he was fairly good at it. He had all sorts of little tricks that he would use, classic salesman tricks to get people to give you more money and stuff. And he made a lot of money. Some people might be prone to resent this, just as some people might be prone to resent popularity, and in his case they were fairly tightly linked.
The reason this might grate for some is that if he uses “technique”, if its machinated, then there is an instinct that it is not “genuine”, and this is certainly the case for mega corporations who pay millions of dollars to dozens of consultants to figure out how best to mind control you into buying their product. But in my opinion that is worse because companies aren’t people. If just one person is trying to manipulate you, well, that should count for a lot more, shouldn’t it? They’re really showing you they care4.
Sincerity is more a science than an art. There are extremely sincere people who flake on everything they do, who sincerely flip between opinions based on whatever culture seems strongest at the time, and there are people who very sincerely commit atrocities in the name of the greater good5. Sincerity by way of whim is of low value in God’s economy6.
One of my friend’s salesman tricks, was when having conversations with potential customers, he would write down any personal details they volunteered, so that next time he saw or called them he could bring it up. “Hey how are your kids doing?” “Hey did you get your car fixed?” This sends an incredibly strong “I care about you” signal, which boosts sales, in a very capitalistic and cutthroat analysis; but I ask you: How many of your own family would put in that kind of effort? Betwixt the two, who is “caring” more?
I can’t juggle more than like, 3 things at a time most days. But I care about way more than 3 people. Thankfully I am a sophisticated monkey capable of inventing tools to greatly increase the loads I am able to carry through simple machines such as fulcrums, levers, and social media surveillance apparatus. And this is what my friend’s sales technique is, at its core- circumventing the limits of the mind through the use of simple lists so that he can care about people to a greater extent than he has the hardware bandwidth for. He has to do it because its his job, but what about you? You don’t even do this, just because there’s not a lot of money in it for you? What does that say about you?
Well. Probably it says you haven’t really thought about it and just feel like you’re too busy to do the things you want to so you’re just kind of stuck. Perhaps you have an efficiency problem, but maybe I can sell you78 some fancy new labor saving devices to make your life better.
But first you have to get over feeling like a faker. You must understand that usually a desire for authenticity is a desire for magic- for relationships to just work, for seas to have no waves, for culture to not require any give and take. You must purge this chief faker within yourself to make room for your authentic self, the realest faker of them all, to grow. Very few things in life “just work” or “just happen” without stacking the deck, and it is okay to accept this, because there isn’t an “opponent” in life, you don’t need to play fair against yourself. Let me illustrate briefly;
You see sometimes in dating that the one person doesn’t want to ask the other person out. “Being so formal about it might overcommunicate interest, I would prefer it to just happen”. And then the girl is like “He’s taking forever to make a move, I will just date this other guy instead lol” and nobody wins, except the other guy. Or in a marital context, “I do not want to formally ask for sex, I would prefer it ‘just happens’”. Well, that might work for some people, but not everyone is built with sails that catch such tailwinds. I have even seen mocking of couples that have to rely on schedules to have sex, which is pretty mean. I mean, its not your business, right? But sex is important marriage food, so there really shouldn’t be any shame in it. I can even imagine it making the sex better in some ways- some anticipation and stability could really lend itself to a more relaxed and prepared environment. Its not bad to make some rules or use other life tools to promote good outcomes. I believe the effort is praiseworthy, in fact.
Another illustration: A person in a career wants a raise, so they work hard, hoping that management notices their accomplishments and gives them a raise, but they never actually voice the desire. I know at least a dozen of this guy, and they all end up waiting a very long time. Oh no, they were too authentic and tried too hard to avoid manipulation of their situation and now they are living in purgatory and got passed up for a promotion just because some guy was slightly louder. Do we pity this person? No! Their situation is a function of their cowardice, not their prudence!
Every salesman will tell you: If you want the best results, you must practice platform manipulation and spam. Regular reminders are essential to making sure you are considered when the time comes. Life has too many distractions and humans have too little processing power to keep track of it all, and a good salesman cannot trust his customers to remind themselves about him9.
Now, much of this is out of laziness, because regularly reminding people that you want a promotion or to date them or whatever is embarrassing work, but can this be overbearing? Yes. You are correct to fear that pushing too hard can horseshoe effect back around and have the opposite effect, making yourself less desirable, especially in social contexts. However, most people’s tolerance for this is far higher than we would expect- non-salesman deliberately set the bar lower in order to stay far away from that cliff, a strategy evolved for safety. But you who desires good things should know that there are ways to make yourself less obtrusive, you do not need to be heavy handed with this.
First, bribery. If your request for a promotion comes with a $100 bill, won’t your boss see you in a positive light? I am just kidding, do not do this. But there are perfectly ethical forms of bribery, such as: being pleasant about it. A joke or a smile or laughing at a joke can make a great spoonful of sugar to help your desires upon the world to go down smoothly.
Second, just don’t be so loud. Contribute something else to the conversation and put it down as an aside. This way they will not feel like you are a predator thirsting after their tender human resources corporate flesh, but instead someone with a a desire to collaborate with them as partners rather than prey. Following the rules of respect works as a great buffer between nagging and making your desires visible, but just generally the principle of “placing it before them and then withdrawing, allowing them to do with the information what they wish” is plenty to make other people comfortable. Most people like you[ᶜᶦᵗᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ ⁿᵉᵉᵈᵉᵈ] and since they like you they would like to make you happy, so you can best facilitate this by making your needs transparent rather than keeping them guessing10.
With your inner cringe vanquished, you will be free to be cringe on the outside, in the real world. Except most likely nobody will notice
Thus, unworried about artificiality, you can prop up systems that streamline the flow of water through your various gardens of life. This was the invention of irrigation; someone decided to stop waiting for rain.
childrends games
Exotic species of children’s games and where to find them
We were kids back then, you and I, maybe. But we would play games, probably. There were not so many, thinking back on it now, but they were true, and they made everything better, how quaint. They had to be played at night, to introduce a degree of difficulty, which thrilled us. These times were precious, savor them well.
Goalie Court (or “follow the judge to court”): This game is played somewhat like hide and seek, but with three lives. One person is “it”, and he makes a rotating circuit around the house. His path must be linear- he can deviate to the far edges of the yard or the close edges of the house, but he must always travel clockwise, and he must never look back unless he hears something. He can move as fast or as slow as he wishes, and if he sees someone he calls them out. They have to follow him around the house while he tries to catch more kids- but if they follow him around 3 times then they become “it”, so the onus is upon them to try to escape. You do this by sneaking off when the “it” kid isn’t looking, and if you hide fast enough and silently he loses you from his “tail”. Usually this ends up with a handful of kids creeping around corners one house length behind the judge, so as not to be spotted from the corner of his eye, but if they lose track the “it” player might decide to sprint, and whip all the way around the house while they’re still trying to determine if its safe, and catch all of them. So hiding behind bushes or sheds often becomes a better strategy. The game continues until someone gets caught three times (losing three “lifes”) or is unsuccessful at sneaking away from the it person’s trail for three whole laps around the house. It was tons of fun.
Kick the Can: This one was cutthroat, there was no forgiveness. If you got caught, you were out. But you had a few things to your advantage- The cover of night, the bushes, and the “it” person had to recognize you by name. He might know there’s someone behind those bushes, but who is it? He would have to get closer to check. But in that time, the hiders might become bold, sprint into the cul-de-sac, and kick his can over11. If his can's over, he's toast. So he's gotta be quick, because just calling someone's name isn't good enough- he has to say it while jumping over the can. So if he wanders out too far to check on a hiding spot, the other hiders will be all over that can like mice, and he'll have to sprint all the way back if he wants to beat them. This was one of the neighborhood favorites- we lived in a quiet cul-de-sac with lots of landscaping to hide in, and it was pretty rare for any cars to drive in and interrupt the game.
Red Rover: You just kind of form two lines and take turns having one kid sprint into the other team’s line. If the other team’s line holds, the kid has to join them, and if he breaks through, he’s safe. I don’t really know what was up with this one but it didn’t really work for us because our neighborhood kid’s age stratification was ranged like ±10 years
Capture the Flag: We didn’t have ropes, so we’d just make a line from our very own shoes, sacrificing even our own clothes for the game. If you crossed the line into the other team’s territory, you were a sole target of a 15 man game of tag, and if any of them touched you, you were stuck in jail. A representative of your team had to reach you in jail for you to become free, and such was a perilous journey indeed. As teams traded prisoners and jailers and defenders and offenders, the game would gradually become one sided enough that one team would succeed in crossing the shoes, getting the shoe that was the other team’s flag, and getting it back across the line to their team.
HISTORY
All at once it seems, the toddler has gone from talking to talking A LOT
The toddler has started taking his food and giving it to his stuffed animals, gently shoving it into their faces, saying “nummy, nummy!”
We had a pineapple on the floor in our bedroom12 and I carried the toddler through and he pointed at it and said "Rawr! Rawr!" If you have ever wondered what sound pineapples make, I think he is correct.
The toddler has also started to love turning on the piano and then climbing on top of it, thus playing it with his knees. It is one of his favorite pastimes
One of the few things Jethro will eat is slushies- I got him his first taste of “blue raspberry” and I was like “How do you like it?” and he pointed his index finger at the sky, like he had an idea, and made a very coy face. “Thumbs up!” He said, while still holding up his index finger.
Unfortunately Jethro is still a little kid, and he throws tantrums sometimes. We had an episode this week where he was screaming mad, standing in the entryway and stomping his feet, and the toddler kind of scooted up next to him and thought it was a game and started stamping his feed too and grinning, which made Jethro so mad, but its not like he could get meaningfully more mad then he already was so it was just really funny watching the toddler join in the tantrum game
HABATICA: AN APP REVIEW
You have become what you hated most: A productivity app
I redownloaded a curiosity this week that I had put away a year or so ago and decided to give an earnest go of it, and I must say that after linking “clean a room” to 13 gold and 12 experience points I have been cleaning more rooms than ever
Habatica is a bells-and-whistles todo list for fake in-app pixel items to gamify your productivity, but in a self-motivated way and not a dystopian chinese social credit system sort of way. I hatched a cactus made out of cotton candy and fed it enough cake that it turned into a mount.
I like how you can divide tasks into habits (which you can increment or decrement, taking damage) and more traditional check-off dailies and todos. You can go on quests to slay monsters which will attack your party if you aren’t productive enough, which again sounds kind of dystopian but its just a tracker app for now13. I would say it is satisfying to 1) keep track of things, 2) check things off , and 3) have a little green bar go up along with some confetti because I cleaned up the gallon of gel soap that the toddler had smeared all over the living room earlier that day. I bet you are all very jealous, you wish your phone was that supportive of your meaningful tasks.
I also like that when you increment stuff it keeps track of your streaks so you can kind of see at a glance how many times you did something this day/week/month. Basically, these are all the things that you would want a regular todo app to do for you, so though Habatica is fairly bare-bones otherwise, the gamification doesn’t feel “cheap”. Having an app keep track of how consistently I’m doing something is super useful.
I would like to see some graphing power built in- bar charts and line graphs and such for task progress, and a little more gameplay so that the contrived rewards feel more meaningful (even though virtual rewards are pretty contrived by definition) but you know, the more you can do with your “Habatica Rewards” the more significant your custom todos become, if you care about that sort of thing.
In conclusion: A handy and silly app, but if it makes good real-life outcomes, then whose the real gamer, huh?
this is not a typo, this is King James English, unlike the other typos in this story, which are not.
Taken. Taked
Constables be lopping
About your wallet. But are we not all simple extensions of our wallets, when it comes down to it?
I prefer to commit the greater good in the name of atrocities
Mathew 5:46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
at the, uh, low low price of “spending the time reading this”
We heard time is money so we’re just going with it
Remember to read The Duckstack guys
Why, why would you do that
I have no idea why an empty soda can was so valuable to him, its some fae thing I guess
Ancient Duckstack custom do not question
Soon: China dispatches actual basilisk to your location because you didn’t do the dishes this week