Walking in a duckstack wonderland
Duckstack Technicians are pleased to announce a new piece of technology: Mood Ducks! Unsure what your duck is feeling? Our new strain changes colors to indicate how they are feeling! Mood ducks are not, of course, labeled for retail sale. We understand what it could mean for this technology to get in the wrong hands, and that’s why for every mood duck there is a set of warnings and maintenance instructions so that nobody gets the wrong idea.
Feed your mood duck grapes, but only grapes dipped in food dye. It doesn’t matter the color, as ducks can extract the raw color binary from the grapes in digestion, but without food dye their coats will lose their sheen and, eventually, this will be permanent. We encourage you to think of food dye as lubricant in a motor.
Mood ducks require water. Simply use a watering can and pour water on it regularly. Be warned: It does not like this
Mood ducks tell the duck’s mood, not yours. This is a safety feature. Ducks are empathetic enough as it is, and if we enhanced it technologically, the duck’s tiny heart would explode.
Do not jailbreak your duck.
One Small Step
Backwards
Its important in life to be able to admit when you are wrong. To be able to choke down and swallow your pride, let people know the score and take the humbling given you so that you can have a more accurate map of the world, a truer understanding of how things work by making a course correction when new data comes in. And in that spirit: I was totally right about the border crisis.
Like many of you, I was unnaturally excited that governor abbot in Texas seemed inexplicably to be standing up to the Biden administration on the issue of letting in ~50,000 illegal immigrants per day. Excitement built as governors of different states began signing what appeared to be a declaration of war in a document that basically said “states rights or bust”, I wanted it to be true. So I did put on my blinders for a bit, to my eternal shame, and really I knew better because I know for a fact that governor cox from Utah is a member of the congressional crime syndicate and I remember thinking very clearly “that's odd” the moment he too came out in support of the thing.
But I told my friend that the whole stance against biden was fake and performative and indeed the whole thing appears to have been a “set” for the senate to come out with an “emergency” bill about “securing the nation" in the face of this “immigration crisis”. I put that last one in quotes but it actually is a crisis, they’re on target to add another Phoenix, Arizona to the map every year at current rates. This is generally a problem because 1) we were never asked, 2) immigrants universally vote for democrats, who hate America, and 3) those immigrants inflate the housing and jobs market beyond all reason in ways that nobody can adapt to, and in fact it is illegal to try to keep those prices down anyway. Illegal immigrants also don’t pay taxes, so even on a strictly secular level this would be “bad for the government”, which now has to sustain an additional Phoenix, Arizona worth of dependents (electricity, sewer, gas, roads, police, etc) without a commensurate pay raise. This is leaving aside cultural dynamics, such as the guy last year who had a nice immigrant decide to set up a fruit stand for the big game… In the center of his driveway. So the guy couldn’t leave his house.
Anyway, Democrats can’t really say “illegal immigration is good” out lout (that’s a conspiracy theory) but they obviously think this so they have to do lip service and the word they use is “reform”. Most republican politicians are themselves democrats also, however.
So anyway, big todo about the border crisis, even left wing magazines and media started putting out articles like “we gotta do something about the border” and at that point I realized it was all a scam, having seen several scams in my day and being able to tell because “liberal media will never admit a social truth” is a heuristic that has never led me wrong.
The aforementioned republican democrats and the normal democrats have gotten together and drafted a "bipartisan bill with wide support” that:
sends a ton of money to Ukraine, Israel, and other lobby groups that these politicians are in the pockets of
Mandates that the government provide an actual lawyer to defend every single illegal immigrant in court
Allows more immigrants through the border legally
Allows Biden and a set of blue judges in washington full control over every aspect of immigration through the duration of Trump’s hypothetical next presidency
Anyway its all just blatant war with eastasia stuff, the ministry of peace governs war, the ministry of truth prints lies, the ministry of immigration reform just makes more immigration. That’s not the important part. The important part is that you can watch how this dovetails from manufacturing a scandal so that you can have an excuse to redirect funds to your donors. This same thing happened with covid, it happens with every crisis. They hype the crisis, they pass a massive hundreds of pages bill which awards them all a bunch of money, and they say it fixes the problem. That’s the playbook. Learn to expect it.
Readers Write In:
You asked, we answered. Technically.
Q:Bob, youre the expert on duckstacking, can we stack ducks in a jenga like fashion?
A: no because of their cubic shape
Q: Can we store cryptocurrency in our duckstacks
A:yes, duckstacks accept $duck, and duckstacks themselves can be used as a stablecoin at a rate of 1 = $0.01¢
History
Jethro on how to be a good person: “Don't take other peoples things, don't yell in their face, don't bump into people, and don't put stickers on other people's backpack or lunch bags.” “And if you do something wrong say sorry.”
Jethro, holding a piece of licorice: “When you turn it like this, its kind of a sword.”
I was putting on a random seasonal anime for myself and then everyone came and started watching with me but this means that I hadn't vetted it and the main character gets turned into a zombie (a nice one) but then he struggles with wanting to eat people and bites his friend in the shoulder. It was kind of intense but then Jethro was like: “Papa, I think he should eat regular food until he can learn not to eat people.” I think Jethro would have a lot of good survival tips in a zombie apocalypse
The toddler was asking Jethro for something and Jethro was like “but what’s the magic word?” and the toddler said “I wannnttt!”
found the toddler asleep on the hard kitchen floor, surrounded by a pile of dried mangos, one still clutched in hand. At one point he woke up and immediately resumed putting it in his mouth, chewing for a bit, then fell back asleep.
Jethro has $70 in his purse I don't know where he got it (he claims it was “allowance, like for doing chores” but this seems unlikely.) But: somehow my 4 year old owns more money than I do? I say let him keep it, Jesus said to reward people who were wise to the ways of the world
Modern nursery rhymes
Noticing a stunning deficit of nursery rhymes relatable to the modern child, we’ve come up with some new ones
mama theres videos on your phone
mama can I see
Yes there's videos on my phone,
no you cannot see
electricity will fry your brain
you are only three
In a carseat there it is and there’s my brother too,
the wheels are going where I can’t see taking brothers two
mama mirror and window by, maybe I’ll sleep and maybe I’ll cry,
when we get there I’ll be fine and brother so will you
There’s a shirt, there’s a pant, there’s a sock or three
baby get out of here I’m trying to do laundry
Novel Ways To Brush Your Teeth
Powerful smiles for powerful people
vibrating airwaves from speakers (extremely loud)
hammer+chisel
an abnormally clean fish
angle grinder
Toothpicks attached like bristles to a crowbar
just a hammer, no chisel
enamel sympathetic acid
milk
Uranium
Nuclear Missile
sandpaper
paintbrush
chewing tree bark
licking your lips way too much
cloning
Ducksnax
party