Somewhat Assemblish
Handcrafted Assembly Line Robots by the Dozen. $10.00
Duckstack today served with complimentary peanuts.12345
I know how frightening it was for you all to see the value of a Duckstack fluctuate last month to just under the United States penny. During these Unprecedented Times™ when we are surrounded by so much instability, we at The Duckstack understand that sacrifices must be made, but we want to assure you that The Duckstack will remain absolutely, single-mindedly, feverishly true, to its mission: Keeping a single Duckstack unit’s value at one cent6. To help allay some of these concerns, we would like to explain some of the measures that are being implemented going forward for quality assurance at the very heart of our assembly line7 process.
Measuring tape. Each Duckstack Quality Engineer has a specialty Duckstack Tape Measure™8 which they apply first to a penny, then to The Duckstack, then to the penny again.9 If The Duckstack doesn’t fit, we also have a compactor which will compress defective Duckstacks down to just the right size - the size of a penny.10
Water Displacement Tests. Each Duckstack will be dissolved in a beaker of water which will be measured both before and after. The amount of water displaced after stirring will give us a very good idea of the Duckstack’s volume.11 Every time we do this, we will dissolve a new penny and stir it into a second beaker, and compare the levels exactly. With a measuring tape.
Balancing Scale. We have found that the official Duckstack See-Saw12 can be repurposed as balancing scales. By pitting each Duckstack against a penny, and using something the boys13 are calling a “quantum protractor14” they’re able to determine the exact angle difference, from which all sorts of things can be calculated. None of us know quantum mathematics though so the results are all pretty unintelligible so far, but I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to tell if its equal to a penny at least.
Spot Check. The Duckstack mascot dog, Spot™1516, who is a duck, will sniff each Duckstack, and each penny, and if he doesn’t like either of them, he can eat ‘em. Every Duckstack delivered to you is one Spot didn’t eat. Guaranteed.
Spot Check. We’ll look at it and a penny and say “Eh, looks about right”.
Telescopes and their Natural Habitats
Stargrazing
In Australia, there is an endangered animal called the Telescope, sought after for its vision magnifying properties. Hunted nearly to extinction, many travelers and wealthy connoisseurs keep dead telescopes, to peer to the heavens, mocking God and passing dangerously close to the sin of Babel but not quite enough for God to smite us all thankfully.
Telescopes can usually be found hilly grasslands, and sometimes if you wander around in tall grass for long enough you will attract them, as telescopes prey upon small animals such as mice and prairie dogs. A decade or two ago, you used to be able to find small flocks of telescopes dotting hillsides, exploring and chirping to one another. Despite their deadly venomous bite, telescopes are largely pacifists, and when threatened are much more likely to bound in their odd tri-legged gait away than to react in self defense. When cornered, telescopes will cower and emit a characteristic “breee” sound. Illegal telescope ivory hunters are truly the heartless villains of our day, deserving of little more than their bones being ground to salt the hills their prey once roamed.
What you can do to help: The first step is to get the word out! Many people do not actually know where telescopes come from or the first thing about these beautiful creatures. By telling your friends and family about them, you can make a real difference in contributing to the preservation of this remarkable species. You can also sometimes find docile telescopes at zoos and other such locations, so by supporting such places you can contribute to their survival. Get out there and make a difference in your community, and then the world! Tell people about telescopes!
History
Guns and Drums and planning plums17
“Mama the fruit snacks are up high. I don’t like them up high!” Yeah no kidding kid. “Mama loves to give me fruit snacks” This boy is becoming a master of persuasion and trickery
He’s developing a sense of humor, laughing all the time when watching movies or just making jokes, but a lot of these jokes have been him pointing at mama and saying things like “Poopy mama, has a BUM” giggle giggle giggle giggle we have no idea where this is coming from, is this the Y chromosome?
The Little One’s deepest fear at the moment seems to be his little brother touching him. This even came out in his sleeptalking the other day, when he started screaming and then groaned out “Baby brother is coming closer to me!”. Its also escalating- He came up to mama this week with a squirt gun and told her his little brother was “coming here and we need to boom him” and “mama, help me to boom him” which Mama thought was a little drastic, but YOU try explaining to a toddler why you can’t in good conscience boom his brother, you’ll break his heart! But yeah, I’m thinking its about time we had the “if your brother crawls up to you and puts his hand on your knee you probably aren’t gonna die” talk with him.
Of course, he’s been “booming” everyone these days, he has a little bubble gun and he’s been running around bubbling everywhere, laughing maniacally, pointing the gun at me in an extremely threatening and devious way but his pants having fallen off and being caught around his ankles took away from the effect a little bit though
Its not all guns and bubbles in our house this week though, I was changing the littlest one’s diaper and I heard a voice underneath the crib say “activate creature powers”; I still don’t know what this did
Tonight I’ve been trying to placate the little duck into sleeping, but he wants toy cars, so I agreed to get him one, and one more, and then one more. “papa, I want one more car” after I have filled his lap with more cars than he can possibly play with. I guess its fair, he has to sleep with all his cars since we stopped letting him sleep with his bicycle.
At a museum there was a giant, like, car sized elevator, covered head to foot, inasmuch as elevators have such things, in vinyl wallpaper of quaking aspens and greenery. Combined with the size of the elevator, it provided quite the effect! We went on some other elevators this week also, which were also decorated. For example, one elevator was aquatic themed, with sea creatures all over it, such as fish, turtles, dolphins, and deer.
Mix This Song Into A23’s Maps of Reality
Assemblage 23’s “Maps Of Reality” is a neat song which you can mix this song into
Mix This Song Into A23’s Maps of Reality (A23 Mix)
Assemblage 23 Mixed “Maps of Reality” into that song that you can mix it into
Maps Of Reality
In case you don’t know how to get there
Peanuts sold separately
Batteries not included
Batteries sold separately
See fine print
Terms and Conditions Apply
The Duckstack: Keeping a single Duckstack value at one cent
a bunch of people on stepladders, each one one step higher, holding ducks, so when the conveyor belt moves the stack the next person just puts the next duck on top of it. We’ve nailed efficiency down to a science.
Not actually Trademarked or real
Measure twice, cut once.
You might be wondering if size correlates to value. We have elected not to wonder about this, ourselves. You can never be too careful.
You might be wondering how to consume Duckstack content that has been dissolved in water. Drink it.
There are tons of unofficial Duckstack See-Saws, such as: The Refrigerator, The Futon, One Grape, Sideways Chimney On Your Car After A Tornado, and Gogurt balanced on someone’s nose.
You know the guys
IDK why
Not actually Trademarked
My wife wouldn’t let me name our firstborn son this
To plant. Not to use as drums or ammunition. We’re starting garden prep.