Ranch Trance
A hypnotic harmonica charms the cattle from a basket on the floor
Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the duckstack
Hands on your head. You’re my hostage. Don't make any sudden movements1, don’t rock the boat, don’t make waves, don’t cause tension, don’t skip the bowling lanes, don’t vacuum the ceiling, don’t even think about reading between the lines
you read this. Didn’t you.
Okay. You can rock the boat or waves or tension or whatever other made up phrases you want. But listen to my demands. Okay? My demands are that you Read The Duckstack.
Taking a Tumble
Parkour
I don’t know anything about parkour, but I’m willing to make something up. What stands out to me is they jump big. That’s a big part of parkour, jumping up, jumping down, sometimes jumping up and down in place. You know. But I’ve noticed if they jump down they always roll. This is because it looks cool, but also because they don’t want to sprain an ankle, or have the bones in their legs evaporate into a fine powder upon impact2. The trick is to take the impact a little bit of time. So you land on your feet, and when you feel them breaking or turning into powder or whatever, you take the weight off them and move to your knees, and so forth, gradually turning the vertical momentum into horizontal momentum. This works at any height, and some parkourers3 can reach speeds in excess of 80 miles an hour as they hit the ground and become a spinning cartwheel, blitzing sideways across the pavement in the blink of an eye until they smack into the nearest building with the transferred force. This is a product of newtons first law, or second law, I forget, called “conservation of momentum or energy or something.” As the parkourist hits the ground, he takes all that speed from falling, and makes it work sideways instead. That’s how they don’t break anything4. But they do get insane road rash.
Pascals Crater
how to bet on God
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is founded on the principle of revelation, or God revealing himself to man. I can’t think of a single doctrine the church possesses that we reverse-engineered from the Bible. Instead, its all derived from our experience with God first and then evidence is found in the Bible later. I would also say I could find reasonable grounds for any of our beliefs in the Bible, but it isn’t where our beliefs originate from. If you ask me this makes us pretty special, but it also raises some reasonable concerns.
In our practice, every member is expected to be a prophet or prophetess5, meaning nobody is allowed anymore the copout of exodus 20: “They said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die.” Now, everyone needs to speak with God, as Joel prophesied would be the state of the church after the old law’s fulfillment.6 But how do you know its God you’re speaking to?
There is a prevailing attitude in Christianity that goes like this: The Bible says it is possible to be tricked. Therefore, you are always being tricked, and must never trust anything but the Bible7. Almost universally, pastors of every sect will declare that no revelation at all is better than wrong revelation. I believe this is as the Pharisees of Christ’s day: They hold to the writings of old prophets, and decorate their sepulchers, but reject living prophesy, which would require things of them in the real world, but whatever the root of the fear, the way to break someone out of a phobia is more or less the same. Exposure.
A couple weeks ago I talked about epistemology poisoning- going crazy because you don’t know how you can know something 100%, what if you’re lying to yourself etc. But in real life people say they know things like 2+2 without having an intimate knowledge of every 5000 step proof used to demonstrate the exact limits or non-limits of algebraic theory. Broadly speaking, you know 2+2 works because it bears out when practiced in reality. In other words its reasonable to know something without being an expert. In fact if covid taught us anything its that being an expert can apparently be actively counterproductive.
One way you can know the Bible is true is by dying and going to heaven8. That’s the “end product” of the formula the Bible teaches. I think most people would prefer not to wait that long- but how do you know the Bible is trustworthy before that? I think most never ask this, and find the very question unthinkable. But people ask me this about the Book of Mormon all the time. I think there is a thirst, a hunger, for grounding and assurance beyond tribalism. I wish to give it to you- I wish, like God in Exodus 20, for all to be prophets within their sphere.
This requires a basic understanding of how to vet revelation. I will present three keys and several ways of “checking your work”. The heart is deceitful, indeed, but the heart also tells the truth, a lot. The disciples on the road Emmaus specifically recognized Christ due to the “burning in their bosom”, a phenomenon supported by many ancient church fathers9 (and also found in various other scriptures). Of course, they did not recognize this at the time- but they accepted the feeling as evidence of the spirit. Your emotions exist to give you a register of how you’re doing in relation to life around you, and if your heart is in the right place, then your emotions will guide you to recognize God.
Key #1: The Weight of Your Conscience is a Universal Indicator. If the Bible is to be believed, all mankind have inherited the curse of Adam due to his partaking the fruit of a certain tree, and the descendants of Adam have also inherited Adam’s prize. The inheritance of Adam, becoming like God10: The knowledge between good and evil.
Why is the heart deceitful? Because of pride. The New Testament affirms that it is possible to numb your conscience (1 Timothy 4:2) and the Book of Mormon never shuts up about it. But listening to your conscience is a skill that can be developed. The same way anything is developed: practice. And soon you will be able to tell well in advance whether a proposed action is going to make you feel guilty. As a bonus, this helps you make way fewer mistakes. It is possible to mistake good for evil, if you want to, if you’ve been training your conscience to make those sorts of mistakes, but knowledge between good and evil is a gift of God, who planted that tree. If you receive revelation, check it against your conscience. If it will make you feel guilty it is not of God. If it will help you feel less guilty, then you should consider it.
Key #2: Repetition Over Time Reveals Patterns. While dying to verify that the Bible is correct is somewhat impractical, advice given to you about normal things in your life can be tested very quickly. You can turn around and say, “I followed this idea: Did it improve my life, or did it not?”. Beginning to make an effort to listen can feel like you are opening yourself up to all sorts of voices, or like an old time-y radio receiver that isn’t sure what “station” to “tune to” that you cannot tell what is just noise. I think many secretly believe the devil can sort of “intercept” sincere prayers, but what happens if you listen to the devil? Your life starts to suck, that’s what. Is this bad? I would say: not if you learn something. Is it better to know neither good nor evil, or know both and fail sometimes? By definition, only on the latter path can you learn and be an agent- only on the latter path can you do good.
As Christians we believe the Devil is the father of lies- he is not consistent, he does not lead to true knowledge, he does not aid or enlighten, and so forth. By examining what kind of results come from a voice in your heart, you will quickly come to know its character- whether it is of God, or of yourself, or of the adversary. And if it is not leading you to Godly results, you can remember what that voice sounded like, and you can stop listening to it. This process of iterative introspection allows one to “get to know” the voice of God11. Trust is, in fact, developed by taking chances, and then observing the other party pull through, not by constructing in your mind what you think the other party aught to do on principle, and believing in that.
When I pray, I have found God to fulfill his promises to me. I have found him to be honest, powerful, kind, caring, knowledgeable and several other things which I won’t go into here. I am not “taking the Bible’s word” for what kind of person God is- I know for myself in whom I have trusted, because he has pulled through for me before. This is what faith is. And because of this I have a basis for believing in the Bible (and the Book of Mormon, and many other things) beyond relying on abstract philosophy- I have found God to be trustworthy, and so I can reliably assume things God has told me he approves of are also trustworthy.
On the road you will find many horrible drivers who think they are good drivers because they have been lucky enough to avoid accidents and have never had to deal with themselves. You have to actually try to know the limits of your knowledge- there is no such thing as a good dancer who does not practice in front of a mirror. But by a process of acting on what you receive, and verifying where it puts you, you gain true confidence, and begin to know what you actually look like. And I believe if you are praying in Christ’s name as best you know how, God will know.
Key #3: True Revelation is Transformative. In the Bible, Christ seldom heals without an injunction to keep the commandments- if not to the ill person being healed, he delivers the injunction to others, as he did with the man born blind. Miracles serve the purpose of expanding a person’s trust, allowing them to take greater leaps of faith (into greater miracles) later. Christ called this a mustard seed.
In Joseph Smith’s translation of Genesis, Moses has an encounter with God, where God shows him a bunch of visions and explains many commandments to Moses. Afterwards, Moses is “drained of strength” and has to recover for a time, and when he does the Devil appears before him, and commands Moses to worship him. I believe Moses’ response is instructive: “I couldn’t even look upon God except his glory was upon me, but I can look upon thee in my natural state12.” And this is what we find in many extremely secular and pseudoreligious practices such as witchcraft, reiki, voodoo, and so forth: All promise power, without any requirement for personal righteousness. In the real world, which is patterned after the next, how you are living directly affects your ability to see things accurately and act on information. The law of causality is not merely a natural law, but a moral one. You cannot disobey gravity.
God desires our growth. Joseph Smith once observed that many sects practiced imitation miracles in his day, yet none of them seemed to serve any purpose- “the only intelligence that can be received afterwards is a shout of halleluiah or some other trite phrase.” If you see a miracle or receive some revelation or feeling, I think it is fairly simple to ask “What is the intent?”. Is the intent to force you out of your comfort zone and a more disciplined, honest, capable, or virtuous person? Or is the intent to let you hide your sins, avoid growth, become worse, lie, cheat, steal, and export hard things to others?
Mental illness is not actually defined by psychosis, but by debilitating life impact- schizophrenics hear voices and see hallucinations that actively impede their ability to function, leading to trouble with their relationships and difficulty in their careers. I have wondered for a while, what is the opposite of schizophrenia? What do you call a hallucination that actively aids you, improves your relationships, makes things function better? The opposite of schizophrenia is truth.
Now, you can also double check ideas against the Bible, and you can also double check things against science1314. In your life God gives you tokens, or principles to navigate truth from error. “I’ve seen this before”. Through these tokens, and through orienting yourself by every word that proceeds through the mouth of God to you directly, you will be able to chart a more certain course, far more certain than merely trusting your beliefs. God has placed the very stars in the sky to orient mariners.
There is objective truth, but there is no “objective circumstance”. Physics professors joke about math in a “frictionless vacuum”. We know the absolute constant for gravity (9.8 meters per second), but it is never going to be 100% accurate in any given formula, because things like pull from the moon, aerodynamics, wearing a jet pack, being on a different planet, and other circumstances major and minor will all change how fast a thing falls. Since we all share an environment some things will be constant, which is what a prophet is for, but no prophet can or should pilot your life for you. Not only is it not feasible it isn't righteous either- you have to drive yourself, with a connection to the living God.
“Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” -Philippians 2:12
Holy Cow
We wanted holy ducks, but were told nobody would go for it
Not all cows are ascetics. Some chew grass with voluptuous pleasure, and would happily steal from other cows, gorge themselves, enjoying the carnal things of bovine life. But there is a conclave of cows in the Himalayas, they shun cow society, living only on meager grass, meditating, and chanting their ponderous mantras. But you can’t tell, because it just looks like what normal cows are doing all the time anyway.
History
even fewer medical emergencies than last week!
Toddler on a jungle gym “I'm on top of the world!”
I poured the toddler some cereal after he demanded some and then he got mad. “I gotta ask nicely first! No!” “ok did you ask nicely?’ “no! I just yell at my dad!”
Toddler sticking a spray bottle nozzle into a measuring tape telling himself: “that’s the funniest thing I ever seen.”
The baby went to goblin valley this week. She loved running over the rocks and then falling over and immediately start digging in the dirt over and over
The baby grabbed some pots and pans and mama said “oh you’re making us dinner? When can we expect it to be ready?” and the baby confidently replied: “i ishjo.”
I had my wife’s head on my chest and was stroking her hair and the toddler asked, “Are you putting mama down for naps?”
All The Marbles
People don’t understand horoscopes. You’re supposed to collect all 12.
Here’s the Duckstack guide to your marbles, assuming you haven’t lost them. Remember if your marble is a shooter multiply your marblescope by 2.5x.We’re ignoring nonglass marbles here, as inferior. If you have some get with the times
Cats Eye: If your marble is a cats eye, it means you have feline traits. Every cats eye marble gives you one feline trait. Fur, whiskers, the ability to land on your feet if dropped from between 2-6’ high. Too many cats eyes and a witch will adopt you as her familiar, binding you to dark service.
Clearies: Any color but still transparent, a clearie in hand is worth two in the bush, three in the car, or four in the rain gutter. Every clearie you have allows you to look through it into the world in a different light. If you have too many you’ll get lost in the kaleidoscope and go mad.
Spotties: Speckled solid two tone marbles indicate a high degree of random chance. However, taken together, your spotties will create a scatterplot of probabilities, and let you see the future with a limited range. If you have too many the future will be able to see you, causing you to be unable to alter any terrible fate that you see.
Tiger: White with subtle two toned swirls, tiger marbles can be sharks, tigers, or even pandas. This zoological morphology is known as “animism” and makes you the zookeeper. Unlike cats eyes, these marbles make your pets become more like you, but if you have too many the animals will take your job, wife, and kids.
Steelies: Steelies are opaque and metallic, despite still being made of glass, and are known for their stoicism. Every steelie you add increases your resillience, but decreases your agency.
Dolphin: Blue with white stripes, this marble is as intelligent as humans, but too playful for it to matter. Dolphin marbles let you swim faster in water, but if you have too many your body loses friction and can never become clean, and if you try to swim you’ll just fall to the bottom of the ocean.
Stardust/Glitterbomb: These are technically two different marbles, but if you have them in your bag they’re interchangeable. Like colored disco balls, the speckles of these are on another level, enough to keep them from being see through despite still being transparent. Each marble of this kind you have lets you breathe more air, but if you have too many you will float away like a balloon.
Poison Frog: Black with yellow stripes, this marble isn’t actually poisonous, it is just trying to look like a different poisonous animal to deter predators. It increases your acting skill but if you have too many you’ll get attacked by actual poison frogs trying to liberate their bretheren.
Ducksnax
bat
~++ Previous Duckstack ++~
not that I can see sudden movements, being text on a screen and all
both equally likely I think
well what would YOU call them
until they hit the building anyway but a good parkourist can just turn the horizontal momentum vertical again and go over it
I’ve known several righteous women who act as agents and angels to the blessing of their family and others. Women do not hold priesthood responsibility, but women can and do speak with God, though their area of stewardship is generally reserved to their family. I’m no feminist but if a woman is truly righteous, we discount their wisdom at our peril.
Miriam was called a prophetess, Ex. 15:20.
Deborah was called a prophetess, Judg. 4:4.
Huldah was called a prophetess, 2 Kgs. 22:14 (2 Chr. 34:22).
Anna was called a prophetess, Luke 2:36
28 ¶ And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:
29 And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit.
Why they think the Bible claims to not be itself tricky is beyond me but doesn’t really change the resolution to this
or hell, whatever, I’m not judging
“What does this mean, ‘Did not our heart burn within us’? Was it not the power of His words that set their hearts ablaze? For the fire of the Spirit, kindled by the voice of Christ, warmed their souls and enlightened their minds to understand the Scriptures.” - St. John Chrysostom (4th Century)
“When the Spirit of God descends upon a man, his heart is set aflame with divine love, and he feels within his chest a burning, not of this world, but of the uncreated light that warms and yet does not consume.” -St. Symeon the New Theologian (10th Century)
“The heart, purified by prayer, becomes a temple of the Spirit, and in it burns a fire not of passion but of divine energy, which the apostles knew when their hearts were warmed by the risen Lord.” -St. Gregory Palamas (14th Century)
Genesis 3:22 Joseph Smith Revision: “And I, the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten: Behold, the man is become as one of us to know good and evil; and now lest he put forth his hand and partake also of the tree of life, and eat and live forever,
Therefore I, the Lord God, will send him forth from the Garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken;”
As a young missionary, I set a rule for myself: That every night, I would pray to Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ upon my knees, and I would not get up until I had gotten something. By writing my thoughts and feelings afterward, believing that God would recognize my prayer and guide me, I quickly was able to learn the difference between something that comes from myself, and something that was going to lead me “to something better”, as it were, many times finding that God knew much more than I did, and much better how to help those around me than I could have decided on my own power.
Moses 1:13 And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?
14 For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me, and I were transfigured before him. But I can look upon thee in the natural man. Is it not so, surely?
15 Blessed be the name of my God, for his Spirit hath not altogether withdrawn from me, or else where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God; for God said unto me: Worship God, for him only shalt thou serve.
16 Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not; for God said unto me: Thou art after the similitude of mine Only Begotten.
17 And he also gave me commandments when he called unto me out of the burning bush, saying: Call upon God in the name of mine Only Begotten, and worship me.
You can, of course, make an “archeological” argument for the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon does have “predictive power” for future archeological or scientific discoveries which I’ll describe briefly in the next footnote, but archeological arguments are actually very weak- Because there are tons of possible confounding variables. There are simply hard limits to such inquiry, which still is nearly always someone else doing the inquiring anyway, and you just taking their word for it. How do you know the Bible is true?
A couple simple examples are multiple locations Nephi describes in his family’s journey in Israel is anything but vague in where locations are and what geographic features they would need to have, and where Nephi says Nahom is archeologists found a altar with the engraving “NHM”, and a location described in detail by the Book of Mormon as “bountiful” with a ton of greenery and honey and all sorts of wild stuff like that (israel is pretty sandy) but a location matching everything the Book of Mormon describes has been found. Additionally many things in the Book of Mormon originally thought to be anachronisms have since been found- as a simple example nobody thought there were horses in the Americas and for two centuries claimed this was proof Joseph made it up, but a mere three years ago horse bone found in mexico was radiocarbon dated to 385 B.C.- precisely the time period Enos describes horses in the Book of Mormon. None of these discoveries should have even been possible if Joseph Smith was delusional or simply making things up, So its easy to make a case- but what matters is what comes after.