Slave Rave
With disco chains, escape has never been flashier
Duckstacks are a girls best friend
Everyone who’s hula hooped before has questions about Saturn. It doesn’t seem to be moving, right? So how do those rings go like that? The answer is: Ducks. Stacks of ‘em. You see, Saturn’s rings are made of tiny rocks, which spin around the planet in something called an orbit. We employ a highly trained legion of Ducks to stand on each rock in the rings and surf it like a surf board around the planet. This keeps its shape on course, creating the celestial wonder you know and love. While the ducks in Saturns rings are trained to stay very separate from each other, sometimes we will peel a few off, and that’s when we’ll stack them and send them to you. There’s enough that Saturn doesn’t really miss them1. Once we’re done with them, they retire to the Bahamas. Its a catch and release program, we’re very humane. And you can always be confident that your Duckstack email will be farm fresh for this reason. Thank you for choosing: The Duckstack
Duckstack Weight Loss Program: Swordfighting
I got in an argument with my sword the other day, and now we are not on speaking terms2
So you’re overweight. You’ve probably heard about hitting the gym, right? Well we’re going to do it literally. This gym is made of wood, which means its called a “dojo”. Call me sensei bobdaduck. Here is your Weight Loss Buddy, a steel sword from the 12th century. Try not to break it.
Now the first thing you are going to notice is that you’re not alone in the dojo. There’s other prospective skinnies, also equipped with Weight Loss Buddies. Look into their eyes. Don’t they look eager to lose weight with you? You don’t have to work with them, of course. To lose weight, one Buddy is sufficient. But if you prefer sparring to chopping pillars, that is an option. By the way we have a lumberjack uniform here, called a Gi. its a martial arts thing.
So take some practice swings at the wall or your partner. This is how you’re going to lose weight, after all. If you carve some of their flesh, you’ve helped them lose weight, and if they carve some of yours, then they’ve helped you. Yes, we’re insured. If you’re preferring to practice solo, then the idea will be to just get the pillar good and chopped for firewood, which you’ll use to build a sauna, which you will not be allowed to use. Saunas are for sensei. How does this help you then? It builds character.
Soon, you may find yourself in a martial arts tournament, and your only hope will be to chop your opponent like a wooden pillar in an imaginary dojo described only by text. If this comes to pass, I don’t want you to fail, because you paid me a lot of money to be here3. You’ll be ready. Now get to it.
What Men Want
Statistically? Women.
There is a stereotype that men want a “submissive wife” and its probably true. There is also a stereotype men will ruin their lives for bipolar women. WHAT is the Hegelian synthesis? The ideal must be: The Bipolar Submissive Wife
If I was a girl and someone told me to be submissive, my first thought would probably be that they wanted me to be seen, not heard. This is rightly seen as degrading. It isn’t what men actually want though, but what do they want? I think a lot of girls, with good intentions, take this the wrong way, and try to void their own personalities, thinking this will make men the most happy, and then the man feels like he’s constantly pulling teeth even to have a conversation, and nobody leaves happy4. The other idea might be that men are looking for a sex slave, which seems to me an even greater misunderstanding than “submissive”- in actuality, male sex drive thrives almost entirely on the idea of it being voluntary.
As evidence of this, we turn to the worlds foremost authority on young men: Anime
Shonen is the word for anime marketed at teenage boys, and is incredibly tropey. There’s subgenres- “Harem shonen”, “Isekai (reincarnation) shonen”, “high school shonen” “mecha shonen”. These all follow similar beats, but with novel twists (like in an isekai, instead of as a super powerful guy, “I was reincarnated as a rock!”) But these clear themes follow such strong patterns that you can quickly unravel what pushes boys buttons and it goes like this:
Scorned by society, boy purchases a slave girl.
For the slave, this is a rescue from her previous life
The boy demonstrates virtue
The girl devotes herself to him unconditionally
Through her efforts, the boy’s natural talents come to the surface, and he becomes better than everyone else (humbly)
A jealous competitor tries to free the slave girl, but she refuses, preferring to be bound to her hero
They save the world on the boy’s terms
This can vary a bit on each step- maybe rather than slaves the guy is just living in a female dormitory for some reason. But the girls are still throwing themselves over him, not the other way around. Are these girls “submissive”? Probably not really. So that’s a bad framework. But men do desire peace, especially in love. Men constantly have to conquer the world, they certainly don't want to have to conquer their wife5. So submissive is probably people poorly groping for a word that captures that sense of peace, where the man doesn’t have to constantly work to keep her in his corner6. “converted” would probably be better, but that probably has its own issues.
And this is where the dialectic78 converges- because I think this is the same thing men seek in bipolar women too. When the bipolar woman “love bombs” her man, he gets this overload of affection, and personality, and energy, which totally preys on his sensors, he thinks he’s found the evolutionary jackpot, like a toddler getting into the marshmallows9. “A girl who is wild about me. I can finally relax. She will drive. She’s interesting too.” And then they go into this spiral where she sabotages and he follows until they find a nice rhythm to hate each other (as proxies for themselves) to. But the idea, the idea of the thing. “Imagine if all this energy was in my corner, what I could do.” I think girls have a similar thing with high income energetic guys, more oriented towards capturing that energy for homemaking though. I don’t have enough experience to say. But men do like women with personality- they also like it when that personality wants to come over and live in the house that they’ve made. That’s flattering, right? If I had my way, everyone would be flattered10, all the time.
history
been kind of sick, shorter time this time
Toddler went on a mini vacation with mama. When they got back I told him how much I missed him. “yes, you missed me.” He responded.
The toddler has piercing wit: “That’s not a baby, that’s my sister!”
In addition to the toddler’s new habit of turtling on chairs to fall asleep, now he sometimes falls asleep at tables while sitting and stuff. Standing is probably next.
Had a sweet moment bouncing him on my shoulders this week and the infant was watching and the toddler was laughing and laughing and the infant broke out into a big smile watching him.
Interview: The Tooth Fairy
She didn’t lead us to her pot of teeth at the end of the rainbow
The Duckstack: Hey Tooth fairy, how’s it going?
Tooth Fairy: MRrphhh, phrhpmmmmhph
The Duckstack: Whoops, forgot to undo the gag. Hold on.
Tooth Fairy: And your mother, and your father, and your fathers father, and
The Duckstack: Hate to cut you off but I have to ask the question everyone’s been wondering. Do you have teeth?
Tooth Fairy: Of course I have teeth. And I’ll have yours too for doing this to me!
The Duckstack: So do yours like, fall out? Like a sharks? I can see the resemblance, just looking at you here.
Tooth Fairy: Of course they do, all teeth fall out. I put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy fairy. How do you think I can afford to pay everyone for their teeth?
The Duckstack: That sounds like an MLM dude. I think you should run.
Tooth Fairy: I don’t have legs.
The Duckstack: Of course. You know what I mean. Anyway that’s all my questions, you’re free to go. Here’s a Duckstack for your time.
Tooth Fairy: Hopefully the Duckstack fairy will exchange these for teeth, you rotten scoundrel.
The Duckstack: I’m sure they go for a very reasonable exchange rate in the land of the fey. Now, off with you. Alright. There you have it readers! Now you know some more about this fixture in all of our lives. Be sure to leave a couple extra teeth out for her tonight, as a thanks.
President Trump’s Assassination
It wasn’t me
Donald Trump was nearly assassinated this week. Not a good occasion. Lots of video about it, lots of speculation the secret service intentionally let him down (apparently the counter sniper testified he was watching the guy set up for like 5 minutes and headquarters kept refusing to give the order). Trump turned his head a fraction of a second before the bullet would have killed him and survived. Another man died guarding his family. A very somber occasion. Even though I like Trump well enough and there’s a strong case to made that he was protected directly by God, it definitely doesn’t feel like something worth celebrating.
Many liberal politicians are feeling obligated to get up and denounce violence, which always sounds a little clumsy, since they also think Trump is The Greatest Threat To Our Democracy and The Reincarnation of Satan Himself. So they keep getting up and wishing Satan a speedy recovery and urging people not to behave violently towards The Greatest Threat To Our Democracy
According the The Rules, Liberal journalists, basically every single one, is personally responsible for this tragedy. Those were the rules when a bunch of people mad at congress did something similar on January 6, right? “Trump has blood on his hands” “He incited a riot”. What would you call this then? A decade of Hitler and genocide messaging is surely material to a provocation case.
Trump announced his Vice President as JD Vance. Every time I hear JD Vance speak I like him more. He’s clearly thought a lot about his positions and what he’s advocating for, and even if I don’t agree with him its really comforting to know there’s someone in office who actually has reasoning for what they’re thinking. Also he’s 30. I think its pretty apparent at this point that old people in Washington have absolutely no interest in young people, at all. JD Vance seems legitimately worried about his own future. A good trait in a politician. After the assassination attempt, maybe Trump will be too. I believe this is a good ticket.
Ducksnax
Startle
Rocks aren’t super valuable either, so its not like Saturn could sue over them. In the State of California you have to prove a monetary value over $950.
we never were, because it doesn’t have a mouth, but now we even moren’t.
Not real money, but you could have been making money instead of reading this. We call this “opportunity cost” in economics. We trade those hours in to the devil in exchange for normal money at a reasonable rate. Imaginary martial arts dojos don’t grow money on trees. This time.
One of my rules is that if nobody leaves happy, its probably BAD ADVICE. hate me if you must
In like, a violent/forceful sense. Winning her affections is a little different. The point is feminists generally view men as wanting to beat women & that's just totally unhinged
The male desire to let his own hair down (so to speak, lol) (except me my hair is long rn) can be taken to excess, of course. Men should try to romance their wives. The point is more just that men are going to seek this, just naturally.
Didn’t know we were having a dialetic here, did you?
Me either, I don’t know what a dialetic is. A blood sugar thing maybe
My toddler. In fact.
As opposed to flattened.