Splice slice
Nothing like a nice piece of cable pie
Its raining its pouring the old man is duckstack
Oh boy, you've done it this time. You've started reading The Duckstack, haven't you. And even after I expressly forbid it1. I hope you’re happy, because this has set back all of my plans2. Don’t you know what this means?3
If you’re reading the duckstack, then who is manning the cannons? Who is working the jobs? Who, I ask you, is sitting on the couch playing video games? Don’t get me wrong, The Duckstack is more important, but you know what will happen if all these things go undone4. You know what your mother would think? Probably5 that the duckstack is very high quality. But that’s on you. That’s always been on you. The readers. Who I imagine in my mind, as I write this. Its all your fault.
A duckstack section which is entirely nonsense
Normally we walk a fine line, but its time to be honest. Its time to show you what’s behind the curtain.
For the viewers back home, many of you were wondering now that I said this how nonsense is made, and the answer is that it is baked, but in real life, not with drugs. The simple solution to this is to remove its wrapping paper so that everybody knows. You wouldn't want to cause confusion, would you? I wouldn't being decent person material and all. But it remains possible, that with enough time and effort, you could too, but not without its risks. For example, piano. You never know, so just watch out for that, okay?
Do You Swear
Choose ye this day
There’s something in philosophy called “The Problem of Evil” which states, broadly, that evil isn’t the problem, God is6. Most philosophy boils down to this, which is why you can never take them too seriously, but the theologians tend to answer it something like this: “No no, evil is just the *lack* of good, see, that way God has no responsibility for it, its just when good is absent somehow.” I do not find this explanation useful. I think evil is the misuse of good. I think this frame is much better for understanding things, and for teasing out what is good and what is evil and why. The problem isn’t that God lets vacuums of good exist, the problem is that the way to eternal life is strait and narrow.
I’ve written previously about violence- How Adam was commanded to tend to the garden of Eden. I say this would entail killing animals, for the benefit of the whole flock. Invasive species destabilize entire ecosystems, because without predators they grow unchecked and cause tons of irreparable damage. Part of being godly is being a good steward, and restricting even life within certain proper bounds. From this perspective, sins like sexual impropriety, murder, and the other ten commandments become problems of excess, rather than “absence of good”. The sinner took the spark of life within him or her and misused it, going beyond, or short of, or at the wrong time and place, of what was good and right. There’s something to be learned from the murderer then- for the horrific errors that led him to murder may yet exist within yourself, albeit on a smaller scale, in far less important matters. Not that you should be lurid about it. You shouldn’t seek out extremes or indulge too much sensationalism. Its bad for you.
I think this is much closer to how God views us, as well. It is true that turning off the straight and narrow is sin, and it is true that if you’re not heading towards God you’re experiencing or acting out “an absence of good”, but I think God looks at it more similarly to us making a choice with our agency, determining where we want to go and what we want, and saying “what a waste”. In my mind, this center’s Christ’s love, and how he views the least of us with potential to be kings and priests, queens and priestesses, within Israel, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ. Even your worst enemy, even your most idiot friend.
I believe in goodness and truth and in a straight and narrow path. I believe integrity to require an entire surface area to be pristine. A single crack in armor weakens the whole thing. I believe in exactness. This was driven home to me when my wife and I did a session in the temple this week- and she commented on the granite flooring. I don’t remember exactly how she said it, but “God loves exactness”. And you can feel it in a temple, every stone and piece was assembled with a deliberate hand, and that itself is a form of consecration. This is also where a lot of the beauty in old cathedrals comes from. My favorite character in the Bible is Nehemiah.
To be honest I do not think requires walking a tightrope- I don’t think the narrow way is that narrow, that you have to blurt out every negative thought that comes to your mind like a character in a children’s show about honesty. I don’t think that’s being a good steward of your social environment. But I do think honesty requires a degree of exactness with yourself, where at very least you always make an effort. Lots of people lie to lots of people, but if you wanted to be honest with yourself you would be, that’s my experience anyway.
It is a children’s trope, after the child calls someone a stupid head, and is scolded by an adult, to reply “I was just telling the truth!”. I see adults do this same thing every day. For one news outlet reports only negative things, and when called antagonistic it replies “I was only reporting the facts”. There is a selection layer below those facts, and in which your true disposition is made manifest. Reporting facts is not honesty- it isn’t an attempt to paint a full picture. It is exceedingly rare that any fact is an accident. You cannot hold all the facts in your mind at once- you must choose. This is by God’s design- Jesus can and will make up the difference. But you must choose.
The Pillow Case
Where do you rest your weary head? Tell me. Or I will pull another fingernail.
The pillows have disappeared all over Oxenshire. Everywhere we’re receiving reports at bedtime that their pillows have disappeared. This is technically only a misdemeanor, but if we find the culprit we think we can bump it up to a felony. Felony pillow larceny, that’s what we’ve really got on our hands. Its the scale of the theft that’s making the difference.
Now, you’re our best detective, so all Oxenshire’s meager hopes rest on you. I would say our dreams as well, but lets be honest, nobody is sleeping under these conditions. Many fear their pillows would not even still be there when they woke up.
So you can see the pickle we’re in. This pillow pickle confounds us- and the most perplexing thing is that the pillows only seem to go missing around the same time Godzilla attacks Oxenshire. What’s up with that?
We’ve had daily Godzilla attacks for years, and everyone’s pillows were fine. It was no big deal other than the massive scale of death, which has admittedly dropped since this has all started, maybe because people are actually awake where normally they would sleep right through being eaten. We’ve always considered this a feature, not a bug.
You think this is the work of a vigilante? Some lone guy stealing all the pillows to save people from Godzilla like he’s some kind of hotshot community leader? I suppose its possible. What? You think he’s gearing up to fight Godzilla? That’s preposterous, Godzilla attacks have been an Oxenshire mainstay for generations, everybody loves him he’s kind of like our twenty foot community pet. But you know what, you’ve shown you’ve got an uncanny ability to be right about this sort of a thing. You always solve our cases, no matter how difficult, and if its true that there’s some sort of rogue wannabe superhero stealing everybody’s pillows to fight Godzilla (who we love to be eaten by), then the perp’s gotta be close by. We’ll look into it, right away.
My New Holistic Healing Technique
Inspired by the humble chicken
They say nature is good for you. I ask, what could be more natural than a chicken7? We want to get the chemicals out of our bodies. Do you ever see a chicken caring about chemicals? It is because they have conquered nature. How do they do it? Something called a gizzard.
The gizzard is a gizmo invented by grandpa chicken, way back. He was a bit of a looney one, but he was full of vigor, and he was also full of grit. That’s what chickens do with their gizzards, you see. Its an organ that stores grit. This is why chickens have such indomitable wills. Write that down.
The gizzard sits in their throat kind of, and when they put food and bugs in there, the sand crunches everything, much like sandpaper, which was also invented by grandpa chicken, way back. Chickens don’t really have digestive fluids that I know of, they literally just grind things to death (if they’re alive) or just grind things in general if not. The grit does all the work for them, and that’s why chickens are able to eat so many different things and stay healthy. So the moral is, if you want to be healthy, eat sand, to grind all your worries away. I haven’t tried this of course. I’m not chicken. I’m a duck.
History
They say food spills attract pests, but they also attract babies
We gave the baby some pumpkin mash which she turned into a pumpkin mashacre. They really are little geniuses about maximizing every tiny food particle’s impact.
Wife was baby talking to the baby this week and said “hello babby” and the toddler started screaming “SHES NOT A BABBY SHES A BABY” and that same day my wife asked the baby “are you my baby?” and the toddler started screaming “No!! She mine baby!”
Found out today the toddler’s favorite shark. The hamburger head shark.
We were watching some show and one of the characters starts doing this exaggerated evil laugh, and then we hear the toddler in the kitchen getting into the spice jars he’s supposed to banned from, doing an exaggerated evil laugh as he carries one in each hand around. “Hah Hah Hah Hah Hah!”
The toddler this week got into the chocolate covered pretzels, and as you can imagine, he made quite a mess. The best part was when we found the infant in it, chocolate face and wide eyed with excitement at the new horizons of life that had been opened to her.
Ducksnax
Alien
æÆæÆæ Previous Duckstack æÆæÆæ
in my mind. If I really cared I probably would have told you I guess so, carry on
My plan for you not to read The Duckstack is in RUINS
If you did you wouldn’t be reading I suppose
They’ll.. Go undone.
I don’t understand how probability works
ok maybe that’s being a bit too broad
don’t answer that