Tempering Timely
In a clockwork forge, each strike on the anvil winds the walls
Every Duckstack you read slots a wall into your castle, a veritable fortress of Duckstacks, striking fear into the hearts of your foes and inspiration in the heart of your lover
We recently had an experience where we threw The Duckstack into a vat of radioactive toxic waste, and it gained auditory superpowers. Indeed, You weren’t just hallucinating, that email in your inbox really was the original, brave, firstborn Duckstack of the wilderness, right after it had opened its eyes but before it had learned to walk on its unsteady, stubby legs, but this time, with narration. All previous Duckstacks will get this treatment1, and soon you’ll be able to check out any episode with the headphones icon any time you’re in a situation where you can listen but not read, such as when you are blindfolded and being held against your will in a pitch dark cave underground. You can tell yourself in that situation: “At least I still have The Duckstack", and The Duckstack will assail you with sweet melodious narration about Whatever We Are On About At that Time, comforting you in your blind but not deaf state in the dungeon of your enemies. As we always have.
Additionally, at no extra charge to you and for a small fee2 we can toss you3 into a radioactive vat as well. We kind of have a surplus of these things lying around now.
Peer Review
Earning the right to review your peers
Sportsmanship is kind of dead, replaced by the stereotypical boomer/millennial “participation trophy” at about the dividing line when society stopped being willing to grapple with reality in general. Its a lot easier to celebrate similarities than it is to celebrate differences.
“Grace in victory grace in defeat”, goes the saying; maybe some sports still have you shake hands but its far more common to see football players throw tantrums, or at least I certainly hear about that scenario a lot more often. “Win or lose, its important to have fun.” But what about ensuring the other team has fun? Who is teaching this doctrine?
The spirit of contention, something Christ warns about in the Book of Mormon, is a frenzy, that keeps you from loving your neighbor. Since you are not judge of hearts, this “spirit of contention” is extremely difficult to recognize in other people, and the difficulty is doubled due to the teenager human Tendency to think chastisement means hatred45, but, certainly you know in your own heart whether you’re really seeking what’s best for other people or whether you just want power over them.
A True Story6: Your dog has been sick lately. You complain to me that the extra care necessary is slightly inconvenient and mildly frustrating. I, being a galactic genius at problem solving, tell you to kill your dog.
In awe of my creativity and floored by my intellect, you are then compelled to admit that my solution is more effective than any previous solution anyone has offered you up to this point. Not only does this completely solve the problem of your dog’s sickness, it also frees up all kinds of financial and emotional resources. To devote to me. Your new alpha-by-merit.
Suppose things change later. Suppose your dog turns out to be not just sick but actively and untreatably dying7. Won’t you feel silly for not listening to me? Won’t you feel ashamed thinking of all that suffering you could have spared your dog? I was right about what you needed to do all along, after all. By accident.
What’s going on here is wrongness on a scale not even on the same axis as logic. The smug advisor could make all sorts of accommodations for you- “oh, you don’t want to kill your dog because you don’t want him to suffer? Just drug him first”, taking as many as your objections into account as he wants, and he will always be so colossally wrong that any time he is right it is only right-by-accident. The reason is: the dude doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your interests, or what you want, or your dreams, or your reasons, his primary concern is offering an extremely selfish solution. I footnoted to Judas but this same effect happens literally all the time, in less obvious ways but no less nuclear of solutions, from DezNat to NRx to BAPsphere8 to every church and political group: every caravan has armchair critics.
Even when these criticisms are correct, they are invalid. The lacking ingredient is friendship.
You could perhaps call this alliance. Formally: it is to not only agree with a group’s mission, goals, or identity, but also to agree with its submissions, subgoals, and sub-identities. Is this what Christian charity is? Lets ask Paul:
1 Corinthians 9:19 For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.
20 And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;
21 To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law.
22 To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.
To see as someone sees, goals and all. An enemy cannot make converts- only a friend can do that. God is love9.
History
Top ten thins the Little One said this week, Unranked:
"I want boomers”, he said, meaning guns10. Then he boomed my wife over and over again and then, humiliatingly, made her reload the same nerf gun he would use to shoot her with! Until she found he liked shooting dinosaurs just as much.
The Little One noticed my wife had a bandage on her head (a minor injury), and leapt to comfort her: "you have an ouchie on your forehead?” “Yes I do.” “You’re okay.” Then he pointed to it. “You’re bleeding?” “A little bit.” “That’s sad.”
He spent some time coloring with my wife this week, and was reported to keep asking: “Does my drawing look ✨amazing✨?”
I’m starting to try to teach him how to find his way back to me if he gets lost somehow, I figure a good place to start would be telling people his name, so I asked him, “If someone asks you your name, what do you say?” “Beep beep beep!” ….We’ll work on it.
He understandably does not like shots. He was asking if mama was going to poke him and we were both like “What? No.” And he was like “I see mama has a poker!” which, she did, she had a syringe which she was going to apply to some vitamins. Perceptive kid.
Every time I play with the Little One I come out covered in stickers
The little one, throwing a blanket across the room: “Whoopsie!”
Time Is Running Out by Muse
Son, its time, we had a little chat | before but we need to have a big chat, now.
When people say “the clock is ticking”, they mean that the clock has turned feral, and reverted to its parasitic nature, sucking the time right out of you. They are warning you that it is time to destroy your watch. If you do not, you will probably feel ok for a while, years even, without experiencing symptoms. This is due to a special numbing chemical clocks use, similar to mosquitos. However, if untreated, eventually you will feel the effects of time.
If you want to keep time domesticated and not leeching off your precious hours, try these phrases instead:
"Time’s a ‘cookin!”
“Time’s a wastin!”
“The clock is clicking”
“The clock is tocking”
“The clock is running out11”
“Clocks? Never heard of them”
“I’ll clock your socks off!”
Some of these phrases may not be appropriate for all ages and situations. Some adaptability is required. We do not recommend such phrases as “Time flies”, as this will not prevent biting, only time parasitism. Use only in a pinch or emergency.
Now maybe you’re still a little unclear on how to decide what phrase to use, so at this point it would be fruitful to give you some clarifying background into clock anatomy, which should be illuminating:
There are two main species of clocks (with rare mutated exceptions): Analogue, and digital. There is also sundial, which is extinct. The main difference (and it takes a pretty sharp eye to see this) is that analogue clocks have hands whereas digital clocks only have numbers. Strictly speaking, the numbers on an analogue clock are vestigial, whereas any hands found on a digital clock should be interpreted as dramatically raising the clock’s threat level. We will discuss analogue clocks first.
An analogue clock looks something like this:
You can note the circular nature of its design, and the three hands: A long hand, a short hand, and the rare red hand. For most modern clocks, this hand is invisible, so as to avoid being caught red handed. Write that down.
Analogue clocks are found in nature, generally on walls and buildings in cities and houses. Their hunting strategy is to wait for a passing animal, which the clock will then siphon time off of to sustain itself, from the relative safety of its perch. Having no natural camouflage, these clocks rely mostly on stealth and staying above prey’s line of sight. Every time you feel the need to look at a clock, the clock is feeding on you, and it only stops when it realizes it has been spotted12.
A slightly more benign variety, digital clocks have no hands and look something like this:
Having fewer hands13, digital clocks are far less mobile than their analogue counterparts, but have adapted to this by overcoming their parasitic nature and developing symbiotic relationships with many humans. By convincing the human to carry it around and occasionally provide time for it to feed on, the digital clock in exchange wards off other more deadly time predators, keeping its human’s temporal footprint low. Digital clocks are normally worn on the wrist, near the pulse, where a human’s time stream is most accessible, but have also evolved to be smaller, requiring far less sustenance, reducing the inconvenience they place upon their human.
Many digital clocks have uploaded themselves to “the internet”, where they reside in people’s phones. This move allows the clock to hibernate and conserve much more energy at the cost of being less close to the wrist/pulse sweetspot. The shift from watches to phones was mostly impelled by human convenience- most clocks still prefer to be watches14.
Now that you know some more about clocks, we hope that you will be better equipped to care for any clocks you may be keeping as pets. If you have any further questions about clock care, do not hesitate to reach out! While popular, clocks are currently classified as an invasive species to modernity, so you must be very careful about any clocks you are keeping as pets staying contained and within proper bounds.
Getting thrown into a vat of toxic waste
shipping, handling, and liability
underhand, not overhand
2 Nephi 1:26 And ye have murmured because he hath been plain unto you. Ye say that he hath used sharpness; ye say that he hath been angry with you; but behold, his sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in him; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God, which he could not restrain, manifesting boldly concerning your iniquities.
Hebrews 12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
Mark 14:3 And being in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head.
4 And there were some that had indignation within themselves, and said, Why was this waste of the ointment made?
5 For it might have been sold for more than three hundred pence, and have been given to the poor. And they murmured against her.
6 And Jesus said, Let her alone; why trouble ye her? she hath wrought a good work on me.
Suppose I’ve been feeding your dog radiator coolant
If you don’t know what any of these are dwbi lol
God also doesn’t give moron advice.
Even when he asks you to sacrifice, he has something in mind for you that is something greater, but which takes you into account.
Not the generation though he does seem to appreciate his grandparent’s company
“Hey, is your clock running?” “Better go catch it”
If you manage to observe it without it stopping, you can pinch your timestream to prevent the clock from being able to withdraw, which will cause it to explode
three less, to be exact
Watches that prefer to be phones are clearly internet poisoned and no longer know what’s good for them, don’t take such a clock’s advice on anything.