Bite Skies
As starmice nibble down the moon each night, anew is baked in the sun
Duckstacks under the bridge, as they say
Anything with keys is a keyboard. A piano is a keyboard, and your computer is a keyboard. What am I typing this Duckstack on, do you imagine? A padlock? A key ring? An accordion? Perhaps, like you, I am simulating a keyboard on my phone, with a “lock” screen. Do not fear or stress over this, for I will tell you what I type the Duckstack upon: I have balanced 26 keyboards above each key on my laptop, held up by strings upon a mobile in the ceiling, and when I wish to type, I simply tug on the correct string. I have found this “windchime” setup to be the most aesthetically pleasing, but I would certainly not recommend it for the faint of heart. For beginner writers of Duckstacks, I would recommend using blender buttons as a proxy for “keys” and typing on that. Surely your Duckstack slurry will be flavorful and nutritious
Humorscopes
Humors have been a part of the human condition throughout history since the invention of Alcmaeon, who is dead. What’s your humor? With the aid of our best Duckstack Humorticians, we should get you sorted out right quick:
Blood: Knock knock jokes!
Yellow Bile: Dumb blond jokes, of course!
Black Bile: Witty puns.
Phlegm: Potty humor.
These are absolutely binding. If you didn’t like your humorscope, better luck next week!
A Latter Day Lucid Dream
A wise man once said, “I do not personally ascribe any mystical or spiritual significance to dreams, and nor do I find evolutionary explanations compelling. But I think it’s pretty clear that dreams are a cloudy mirror: they show us a distorted, slightly surreal image of our anxieties or our immanent emotions. I once had a close friend, and we met a pretty girl at a party, and she ended up going home with him instead of me. That night I had a dream that he and I were coworkers, and that I had been passed up for a promotion, and it had been given to him. But obviously this dream wasn’t about work, it was about the girl. I knew that the moment I woke up, and I felt as if I had been caught in a falsehood. Before sleep I had assured myself that I was not jealous, that I was happy for my friend. And I was, but it’s harder to lie to yourself in a dream, just as it can be harder to lie under the influence of alcohol.
A dream is a kind of intoxication, a rambling, free associating kind of a thing. Probably it serves no particular purpose at all, it’s a kind of spandrel, that is, an unintended consequence of some other necessity of the mind which has no adaptive utility. I think people, and particularly those of a contemplative and introspective sort, make far too much of the way the dreams distort various symbols, and swap one thing for another. It doesn’t mean anything at all, there is no particular or consistent language to dreams, no omens, nothing like that.
I know people will say there is documented evidence of dreams being predictive, often someone will say they had a dream about a person they hadn’t seen in a long time, or about a family member in a dire situation, only to find out later it coincided with some significant event related to that person. Well, I am very much a skeptic about this, I think that such accounts neglect all the times we have dreams about people that don’t correlate to significant events in their lives. We don’t really notice or care about that, and it’s a far greater number. But people want to believe in magic, they hate it when you give them these boring, reductive explanations for things that tickle their sense of mystery. I think dreams can be very entertaining and occasionally stimulate valuable lines of thought, but there is nothing extraordinary about them.
They are another mode of cognition—mostly useless, sometimes delightful, sometimes alarming—but most of all they are a mirror, and when you stare long into a mirror and look at your own face, you don’t see yourself the way others do. You hyper-fixate on your flaws, or maybe you see an idealized picture and admire yourself, but the longer you look, the more you start to see distortions or half-truths. To dream is to wander lost through a forest of your own subjective map of the world.
I am very skeptical also of lucid dreams and the fantastical claims people make about them. It’s true that you can learn to recognize you are dreaming and nudge the dream this way and that, but the momentum of the oneiric state is much too strong to stay lucid for long. The force of the chaotic semi-conscious mind quickly sweeps you away again, but people lie and exaggerate to themselves about the level of control they are able to exercise, and about the level of detail they are able to simulate. Sure, it’s something heavier than a daydream, but it’s not nearly so substantial as VR.”
To which I replied, “That view makes sense to me, though I'd obviously differ in that I think many people in the scriptures have been spoken to by God in dreams. I'm agnostic on "coincidence" dreams, because while its true that I might have dreams about all kinds of people, it is odd if I remember it. Divine dreams would have to have some "marking" quality to them to split them apart from normal dreams. Or maybe a person could be like, "God, I am going to assume all dreams are divine, and I expect you to behave accordingly.", I could see God honoring that. Personally I've only had one prophetic dream maximum though, and it was about something so minor that I don't even remember it. Its not how God talks to me.
I have noticed that a lot of people dream in significantly different ways though- My dreams are devoid of content, disjointed, low action, low visual, high verbal, and never fantastical. My wife on the other hand has incredibly plot driven dreams, with setup and really intricate character conflicts and backgrounds and all sorts of stuff, and its just insane to me because my maximum dream is like "I was standing around talking to someone". I theorize that I "live" a lot closer to my subconscious, so my dreams don't have as much to "add", but its all conjecture. How would you characterize your dreams? Are there any notable themes, styles, or other commonalities?”
He then told me, “I think that the consistent, plot driven type of dream is mostly an invention of the waking mind, that is, a lot of disconnected things happen in our dreams, but when we try to remember them or relate them to others, we end up interpolating or inventing a much more rational narrative to connect all the disparate pieces, we make subtle adjustments to what we recall because otherwise they can’t even be articulated. The contents of the dream are too strange.
In the vast majority of the dreams I remember, I find myself in my parents’ home when I was a child. They had a big house, and in my dreams I often return to it, but I am forever discovering new hallways, galleries, staircases, fountains, libraries, sitting rooms, and courtyards. The layout of the house is never constant, it might change if I turn my back on it, or I may discover a statue or terrace or a hidden door.
The other dream I have pretty often is one where I am holding a great number of balloons, almost, but not quite enough to lift me off the ground, and so I will try to jump up and let them carry me away. And sometimes in these dreams I eventually achieve lift off, and sometimes not.
I sometimes have the famous dreams about all my teeth falling out or about a high school final exam that I have somehow neglected to study for all semester. Nowadays I might also dream that I am trying to use my phone to post on twitter, but just as buttons and switches never quite work in dreams, my subconscious has not quite figured out the mechanics of capacitative touch screens. One time I dreamt that, frustrated with my inability to use my phone, I took a big bite out of it, like a candy bar, and somehow I could not control myself, I felt compelled to eat the entire thing. And before you ask, no, I am not aware that I have any kind of iron deficiency.”
I then responded, “I can see that in a lot of people, though in my wife's case I wouldn't put it past her to have an abnormally lucid subconscious. She's an incredible fiction writer, and I think very story driven generally. In any case it does seem to me that people dream "differently".
You said dreams don't have much meaning- Do you think there is any value in surrealistic pursuits, and if there is how so? Do you have any favorite symbols?”
And he told me, "Regarding the validity of surrealism, I tend not to have a specific disdain for any art form or style. The moment you try to make a rule like that, someone will produce a work of art which breaks the rule in a clever and illuminating way.
Regarding symbols, I think that in order for surrealism to really land, it has to first draw you in with realism. Surrealism right out of the gate may be a compelling marketing proposition, but the surrealism which is truly effective is that which occurs in the midst of the eminently plausible, which first gets you to let down your guard, to let your mind run along the guardrails of a coherent and predictable universe, and only then it presents something discordant. Moreover, I think surrealism with transparent symbols is not the highest surrealism. If it's immediately obvious to the viewer or reader what the symbol is, and what it stands for, then it still feels more or less like reality, because the symbol is too easily processed into the merely real.
I would say I don't operate so much on the level of symbols as motifs; I like it when there are consistent conceptual cues that permeate a work, or even a collection of works, which hopefully are expressed in ways that are both individually significant in their own contexts and yet which also present a unity when apprehended as a whole. That's what a motif is, really, maybe that was too many words to say something banal. Perhaps unsurprisingly, my favorite motif is the one that I dream about the most; that of being lost in an intractable topology.”
I then fired back: “I agree, I have always preached that surrealism must walk the line between logic and arbitrary- too arbitrary, and it ceases to be surrealism and becomes merely random. Too logical, and it becomes mere symbolism. Surrealism is logic as an art form, where you must compose a piece following the broad laws, and only with an understanding and within a framework of those laws do the breaks make nonsense.
That's a pretty good motif for sure. If you had to pick, what motif do you think is weirdest? Also, do you have anything you want to say to our readers today in the assuredly limited time before we put you down?”
It turns out that he did. He said, “I am not sure if I think any motifs are particularly strange... strangeness is more of a phenomenon in the reader than in the text, in so far as one can become accustomed to anything. To call something strange is mostly to say it surprises you, and very little surprises me these days. And since this is the Duckstack, the main thing I would like to say to your readers at this time is that they ought to eat more duck, most especially duck rillettes, with some good, crusty, sourdough bread, perhaps some cornichons. This is very close to heaven, but we can enjoy it on earth.”
I thanked him for this advice, told him I would pass it along but I wouldn’t do it myself because it would be cannibalism, thanked him for his time, and wished for him not to die: “I will be sure to pass that advice along, though I won't personally be practicing, because it would be cannibalism. Thank you for your time, I hope you don't die. Bye!”
After this, I stopped talking to him, and transcribed the conversation in detail, word for word, in The Duckstack. I do not believe this was a dream figment, I believe it was real. And raw. And beautiful.
Duckstack Coloring Activity: The High Seas
Do you have your dice ready? Lets see if you have what it takes to survive the high seas.
Welcome to our guided tour of the high seas upon our deluxe luxury yacht. The high seas are full of mystery and plunder and if we're lucky we might even get plundered ourselves. If this isn't to your liking, we have deluxe weaponry with which you should be capable of fending any foe.
Here we are at our first landmark, jellyfish island. Its named this for the way the island puffs out like a jellyfishes, uh, helmet I guess, with seaweed strewing outwards, like a jellyfishes, uh, maybe fingers? If its one giant hand? In any case, there’s a ship there, charging down to meet us! Alright, I’m tossing you this pigeon. Just throw it at the enemy boat really hard, it knows what to do! Now, roll four six sided dice, and add together the three highest numbers. This is your strength score. If its over 12, the enemy ship explodes. If its below 12, You are accosted by MarshmellowBeard1.
Well, it looks like we made it, we’re all still intact. Let us continue, to desert island. There, we are sure to encounter JellyfishBeard, whose hardhat and stringy facial hair resembles nothing so much as jellyfish in the sea. It is also electric, and barbed, and poisonous, and covered in jellyfishes, because that’s what he eats all day. He imports them, because fishing them out with his hook has proved difficult, I imagine. Now, take this pigeon, and fly it true to his ship. Desert island is covered in cactuses, so you will have to slalom the pigeon through the cactuses to hit his jellyship, by putting the proper spin on the pigeon. Now, take aim, and fire! Now, roll four six sided dice, and add together the three highest numbers. This is your dexterity score. If its over 12, you put enough spin on the pigeon to curveball it through the precarious terrain, back and forth until it hits its mark. The pigeon then devours the jelly ship. The pigeon wishes you had sent it some peanut butter. If you rolled below 12, your ship gets stuck on the cactuses prickles, and JellyfishBeard walks up to you, begging you for money2
Escaping desert island, you will find a large open area of the sea here. There is a sea monster here, who has sunk thousands of ships, but we will probably be fine. Well, looks like I was wrong, there he is, and he’s already walloping on our ship! Understand there’s no malice in this, he is very musical and he is using us as drums. He just doesn’t know his own strength. You can try to stop him, if you want. Roll four six sided dice, and add together the three highest numbers. This is your Constitution score. If its over 12, you explain the NAP to the sea monster, and that if he destroys your property, you will have to sue him in a court of law under the constitution of the land, or seas, or Atlantis, or whatever authority is necessary to gain recompense. This scares him off. If its less than 12, the rhythm takes you3.
Bye sea monsters! There was more than one, by the way. He’s the only musical one though! Now, music like his is sure to attract sirens. Can you hear them now? That’s right, its the tone police, come to shut him up. Quickly, pull over to the right side of the ocean to let them through! Roll four six sided dice, and add together the three highest. This is your Wisdom score. If its over 10, you pull to the side safely. If its lower than 10, you pull to the wrong side causing a collision4.
Now we know which way the sirens went, we should go to where they came from, and steal their treasure! We do this all the time, nothing can go wrong. Well, I spoke too soon again, there’s another dirty pirate ship on the horizon, trying to get our treasure first! It can only be QuarterBeard, whose fourth of a beard is so majestic it reliably detracts all from his blatant swindles and scams. The quarters in his beard are authentic, but do not touch them. They’re cursed. ! Roll four six sided dice, and add together the three highest. This is your Intelligence score. If its over 12, you split the treasure 50//50 with QuarterBeard. If its under 12, you open a bank account with his ship and set up several massive savings funds. You will probably never find his ship again to withdraw any of this money.
And now we’re heading home! Congratulations on surviving The High Seas! I hope you had a really good time and will leave us a five star review! ! Roll four six sided dice, and add together the three highest. This is your Charisma score. If its over 14, you convince your tour guide you enjoyed the tour. If its lower than 8, you unwittingly insult your tour guide, and he refuses to ever serve you again. If its in the middle, he doesn’t believe you, but decides to let you off the hook, because you “seem like a nice enough guy”, or gal.
HISTORY
Still undecided on using my kids names in History logs. I will continue to omit the toddler’s name, in case he does not want to be famous.
Jethro the other day was telling his Mama that: “you're the best birthday present ever! …Wait… We're both humans, not birthday presents!”
Mama told him that very suddenly she felt sick and needed to lay down. Jethro immediately responded “I have an idea! I will make you soup.” But then he trailed off, deep in thought, and muttered to himself, “But, how do I do that?”
“papa Im gonna be right back” “okay, where you goin?” “its a mystery, to get a dinosaur!”
(3 hours past his bedtime he appears downstairs) “what are you doing down here?” “I wanted to be down here. And I like doing what I want”
“Mama come here I have something to show you!” “is it your poop” “No, its something amazing! …And yellow.” “Is it your pee?” “Uh huh!”
Jethro also spent some time scrolling through my phone’s camera roll with us. He spent the time providing us with commentary:“Its me… That’s mama… That’s me… That’s papa… I know everything!”
The toddler has taken to hunting doors. He roams around the house in his onesie, and when he sees a door that’s open he runs and slams it shut, and says “good job!” to himself.
MarshmallowBeard’s ship rams into yours, effectively gluing the two together, because his ship is made out of marshmallows. (This is why he always has them in his beard). They board your ship and a battle ensues- Roll a d20:
- If you got higher than a 15, you flawlessly defeat all of MarshmallowBeard’s crew single handedly, and you eat their ship, sinking it forever. You gain 100 more starting gold.
- If you got higher than a 5, you survive, but at a terrible price. Roll a d20 to discover how many marshmallows are now more or less permanently stuck to you.
- If you got lower than a 5, MarshmallowBeard plunders your ship, and you lose everything. Your gold, your shoes, your high school diploma. Back to square one.
“Please matey, I am addicted to jellyfish, if I don’t have them my beard will lose its lustre. I must have jellyfish. Can you spot me some coin? I’ll pay you back for sure.” Roll a d20:
- If you got higher than a 10, you successfully, callously, ignore the poor wretched soul, freeing your ship, and continuing your luxury tour.
- If you got lower than a 10, you give him all your money and the shirt off your back, and get sunburn. Start your next game injured.
Bong dum dum dum Bong dum dum. You have to admit, his tune is catchy. Roll a d20:
- If you rolled higher than a 14, you dance uncontrollably for the next week. Add 1 to your starting dexterity or charisma score, your choice, for the next game.
- If you rolled lower than a 5, you dance uncontrollably at the bottom of the sea, and drown.
- Otherwise: Nothing happens. You get shaken up, traumatized, and hope you never have to live through such a close call again.
Oh man don’t you know port from starboard? We’re sure to get a ticket now! Roll a d20:
- If you rolled higher than a 10, the sirens give you a ticket, to their next concert. They insist its going to be a “rockin show” and “you better be there.”
- If you rolled lower than a 10, the sirens eat you. You die slightly, and are then healed by the Deluxe Tourist Cleric’s Tenth Level Resurrection Spell, with complimentary peanuts. The spell isn’t free though. Start your next game with 100 gold worth of medical debt.