Dregs Drought

The future of Parch: Drinkable parchment

Duckstack, part of this balanced breakfast.

I have procured a microphone, soon The Duckstack will be hitting your brain¹ in 3D.

Art: Slow Motion Explosion, by Nam Das

I'm reading this from a crystal ball, and you're sitting across from me. An ornate hood cowls my eyes. You tremble in anticipation. What will this reveal about you? About me? Not that you believe in this sort of stuff, its just sort of for fun, right? Nobody really believes in it. But there’s a kernel of doubt in you, even when someone tells you something blatantly wrong, when its said with confidence, it shakes you. You’re a little bit of an adrenaline junkie, to be here. To risk being shaken. To hear that moment of being told something with confidence that you have no idea what it means, or what basis it has. Whether it will have power over you, or not. “I’m reading too much into this, it was literally free.” You think. “Stop thinking so loud, you are distracting me.” I say.

I reach my hands out, and from the crystal ball I extract: The Duckstack².

Anti-History

You may have noticed killing children is temporarily illegal.

The most radical liberals I know all hate children very much, which is why they go into education³. They wanted to be an astronaut but instead became avatars of misandry incarnated into a ideological body of malice and caffeine. Which causes a little bit of guilt because they’re letting their younger selves down⁴. And now you want to talk about more children? Don’t you know how children look at them?

You can’t fix that guilt by telling them that killing kids is murder because that’s literally the point.

The least radical liberals I know don’t hate children very much at all, in fact they aren’t even trying to make children put on drag shows for men caked in makeup. But, they do like women⁵, and don’t want women to be in pain, which pregnancy causes⁶. Now, if you’re a mathematician, you might get out your measuring cup and put all the people in it and notice that there is a current number of pregnancies causing women pain. Write that number down. Now, since you’re a mathematician, meaning you’re a utilitarian, an obvious and effective solution would be to make them stop being pregnant, right? Why didn’t anyone think of this sooner?

As I’ve mentioned, they legitimately don’t have any idea why anyone would object. But they also really don’t have any understanding of how the pregnancies got there in the first place⁷- They can’t do backwards or forwards.

One of the fundamental liberal categorical imperative baseline drives is abolishing causality. At one point they heard about causality, and decided on a very animalistic level that it was lunatic and deranged and evil, so now they just shoot at it whenever any wild causalities are spotted near their yard⁸. You see, there are just all these unwanted pregnancies, floating out there, just stuck, a fixed quantity. There are also all these abortions just in nature, hiding in the tall grass, maybe you will stumble on one on your way to lavender town⁹. But like you can’t like do anything about this. If you ban abortion they’ll just get abortions in bathtubs and then you’re killing women. There’s also a bunch of lgbt people born that way, there’s a bunch of races in prison, there’s a bunch of women making less money than men, but there’s no causes for any of it, and there’s no way to cause a solution. Its not that they think you’re racist, its that they think you’re hurting races for no reason. Understand that even if you get them to finally listen they aren’t going to accept your solutions because they don’t think effects exist. The patriarchy doesn’t even “cause” feminist oppression, its just a fixture that hurts women for no reason, serving no purpose¹⁰. Its what you hit because you hate feminist oppression. And men.

Enrique Shockwave @UNDEADTRESOR

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

“You can’t stop kids from having sex”. Solutions are literally cruel. The only thing to do is administer bandaids and morphine, and build a nice comfy bureaucracy to ensure the safety and effectiveness of child execution methods¹¹.

How can we ever claim to be civilized¹² otherwise?

History

We have unearthed fossilized dinosaur remains and deep fried them

The little one, waving his legs in the air: “my pants are astronauts!”

“these leaves are special, you can eat them!” “like a caterpillar?” “here, want to try?” “okay, but I am not a caterpillar. I am not hungry.” I think he liked it

We tried our hands at imagining heating quiche, and imaginary eating it for imaginary not food poisoning. We know how our oven works now.

“Little one, you have a very wet nose this morning. Like a dog!” This caused a fit of the loudest laughter I may have heard from him in his entire life: “I didn’t know I was a doggie! I didn’t know that!”

In our church it is traditional for women to receive treats for mothers day¹³. But the Little One knows what treats are for: “Ah, my cupcake to me!”

The littlest one was being given a bath by my wife and he naturally bit her nose so she was like “ack” and put her face in the water, which he watched, and then copied her, sticking his face in the water, and then he was like “ack!” too. The interaction is a little hard to describe but it is vital that you understand that he saw her do it and stuck his head right under the water and was like, “ack!”

“is it charging my game?” “Yep.” “Oh. That’s very nice, of the game charger!”

The dinosaurs I mentioned are chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs. We cooked a whole batch and left them with the Little One and came back and found all their heads were missing.

PLEASE IMAGINE THIS SECTION

THE GREAT DEBATE

Special guest appearance from my wife today, who will take the role of a person who drinks water, and a special guest appearance from myself, bobdaduck.

Is ice water better than regular water? Objectively speaking. My wife says no: “Non ice water allows you to drink larger quantities without suffering from exposure and hypothermia. Which, I guess, could happen if you drank vast quantities of icewater, particularly if you do so while exposed to bad weather conditions, like being in a snowstorm in a swimsuit. Speaking of which, non ice water is my preference for swimming pool water. In fact, I have preferred temperatures significantly above frozen every time I have ever gone swimming.”

I think this is ridiculous, because ice water provides both liquid and solid, a well balanced meal. If I was wandering in the desert, I think I would prefer ice water, and ice water also gives you some emergency projectiles, should the need for such establish itself. Ice cubes are in fact very versatile entertainment- you can drop them from high up, you can put them under your shoes and slide around, or you can melt them down for their valuable essence if you want to drink more water later.

What do you think?

1. 500 mph Duckstack Cannon

2. 500 mph Duckstack Canon

3. To take away other childhoods and keep children from accusing them of not having any clothes on.

4. Matthew 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

5. Understandable to be perfectly honest

6. Understandably

7. Taking a look at all the LGBT stuff, you can get a pretty good idea that they don’t know how sex works

8. “But maybe you could try domesticating all these wild causalities?” “No, that’s a job for the professionals.”¹³

9. This is a pokemon thing don’t worry about it, the point is that we have to catch these wild abortions in poke-balls.

10. These things are invoked the same as the word “boogieman”- not as logical ancestry, but as name to a fear.

11. They do this with suicide too its pretty funny, wouldn’t want suicide to be unsafe

12. There’s another at least 8 paragraphs of subtext to this sentence. Just read between the lines, I’ve (b)rambled enough.

13. It should be traditional for men to receive explosives, but we get treats too.