Fell Folding

When you're a giant contortionist, you can fold, but you can't hide.

If you fold 1000 paper ducks(tacks), you can make a wish¹.

Art: Speedpaint #19 by Sylar113

Art: Landscape #31 by Sylar113

Not all shooting shooting stars are whatever you think shooting stars are. Some, are The Duckstack. Think back. Have you ever tried wishing on one?

Fool! You have humiliated us all. Next time, remember the old saying that I just made up: WISH upon a star, REQUEST upon a Duckstack. Know the difference. Save a life².

Anyway, now that you have received your personalized Duckstack meteorite³, and are in your personalized Duckstack reading spot, go ahead and open it up now. Lets see what's inside.

Words as weapons

First as you open it, an explosion of spiky paper! It is confetti. Aren’t you so pleased to be reading the Duckstack? Looks like we have decided to throw you a mini party, to celebrate! Be careful not to cut yourself on this sharp, sharp, confetti, in your enthusiasm.

The Duckstack is pleased to introduce our newest self defense course. The safety of our readers is a top priority. Because of our security mindedness, we are pleased to present to you:

Best origami weapons, ranked:

• Origami Ninja Stars: This weapon has very high damage potential, especially when made out of thick paper. I once punched a hole in the middle of some blinds with it, so you could presumably do some real damage poking villains with it.

• Origami Knife: Despite being shaped like a weapon, knives unfortunately need to be sharp, so this really fails to live up to expectations. Literally running unfolded, vanilla, boring paper over someone, trying to give them a papercut, was more effective in every single lab test The Duckstack’s technicians administered.

• Paper Plane: Now this one is tricky, because paper planes come in many, many varieties. The heaviest variety (the dart) happens to be the simplest as well, and is good for straight flights, and I think if you stuck a pin or something on the end it could be decently effective. The accuracy and range of this one does beat out the ninja stars, but it has slightly less destructive potential, because the folded layers do not create as firm of a spike.

• Paper Crane: I don’t think this is a very good weapon, but if you’ve got nothing else, its better than nothing⁴.

• Fortune Teller: This weapon isn’t good for distance and requires some guile to use correctly, due to its poor ability to inflict physical damage. Its real power is inflicting magic damage, which few origami works can even tap into at all! This is good for bypassing armor, and if you’re good, you can also get some mental damage in too. It probably isn’t good against a back alley mugger, but Duckstack Technicians do recommend this for niche tasks such as revenge.

• Origami Tanks: Unfortunately, due to their inability (and susceptibility to) fire, these make poor weapons.

• Wadded Up Paper: To compliment the elegance of this weapon, its also extremely deadly if shot from a cannon at the speed of light. If you don’t have a lightspeed cannon it is still viable as a distraction and to bonk someone with, due to its accuracy and range.

History

Now that the sharp confetti has stopped, we ask that you buckle up the seatbelt on your Personalized Duckstack Reading Chair™⁵. We're going back in time. Fear not. This is nothing major. We’ll just take a quick peek at the last week. It’ll be fine⁶.

The little one was poking around on the computer, which is a touch screen, and he was trying to advance to the next YouTube video, but since he can’t read he stumbled into arcane things which he can’t understand: A video cart purchase screen. He cried out, in tragic exasperation: “The computer, is out of batteries!”

What else happened this week? Well, the Littlest One got into paint too much, so we ran him through the laundry.

We also started a mine in our yard⁷.

We also had a couple conversations⁸ with the little one, here’s how they went:

Wife: oh, I like your teddy bear, does he have a name?
Little one: uh huh
Wife: what's his name?
Little one: bear
Wife: did you name him yourself?
Little one: uh huh

Then my wife was logging into something as me and muttering to herself, she said “bobdaduck” out loud and the Little one piped up “That’s papa’s favorite!” and she was like “What?” and he was like “Papa likes bobdaducks, right?”⁹

What's going on in duck town

The next layer of the meteorite housing your Duckstack email is covered in little people. They are faming the layer with rakes. Some, in lab coats, stand before beeping control panels, ensuring The Duckstack works correctly and gets to where it needs to go. Say thank you to the little people, then set them aside.

I know many of my longstanding readers have been wondering, how are the citizens of The Duckstack doing? And what have those pesky paid subscribers been up to? Well, its all business as usual for now. The stores and libraries and other various fixtures seem to be working correctly. The History tubes have been running flawlessly, we haven’t run out of history in a while. The cartographers have been busy receiving horoscopes, and we’ve been able to keep up a steady stream of imports our trading partners of italics juice (required to italicize text) for all the necessary machines. Plus, several more artists have given us permission to tell people about their work, and the paid subscribers have been suspiciously silent, as usual. We held a general conference to audit all this, so we can confirm this report is accurate to within five decimal places.

You Are Feeling

The next layer inside the Duckstack, this sparkling Geode full of treasure and wonder, is a bunch of just, ooze, apparently? Enjoy your slime

I think about a lot of things. Many, really. I’ve decided that the obvious ideal would be to never talk about things- but if we have to, we shouldn’t have to be specific. That’s the devil talking. Forcing us to be right. Its so unfortunate. We shouldn’t have to be right. It shouldn’t be required of us. Correctness is such a burden. The more God has to spell things out for us the more condemnation we are under so if you start noticing him getting plain you’re in deep doodoo. That’s one thing I’m thinking. Among many.

CHECKEROSCOPES

At the center of your radiant Duckstack experience you find a checker. Like, the game piece. A small extra burst of confetti shoots out to celebrate. You are so happy.

We project today’s horoscopes to produce an almost 9000% increase in horoscope efficiency by streamlining the categories to the raw essentials. Our market research shows that efficiency can shave more than 20% off of The Duckstack’s annual budget, creating room for lots more of our signature Blatantly Not Plagiarized Content™¹⁰.

Wake up dear, I’m afraid its that time. Its time for your checkeroscopy

Red: You go first.

Black: You go second.

1. I’ll have absolutely no wishing going on around these parts until the work's been done, you hear me?

2. Save a lifetime worth of HUMILIATION for wishing upon a Duckstack instead of a star, you stupid idiot

3. Through your brand new personalized Duckstack Meteorite Hole In Your Roof™ (Patent Pending) (This one is actually trademarked, please do not steal)

4. How. How is that better than nothing. Well I’m glad you asked: With a paper crane, you at least have a paper crane. That’s not nothing!

5. Not actually trademarked

6. Nothing bad has ever happened from time travel that we could know of.

7. A mine for what, you ask? Deer, probably.

8. Just two. Don’t want to spoil the kid.

9. He’s got me dead to rights

10. I don’t know if this is trademarked, so be careful!