Precurse Conscript
A monopoly forger prints get out of jail free cards, for free
It was a dark and stormy duckstack
The Duckstack is pleased to unveil our brand new virtual AI assistant. This cutting edge technology is all the rage1 in the tech world, and we’re never one to let those silicon valley bigshots2 get the best of us. So we’ve got our own AI now too, which we’re calling “Chip The Virtual Assistant™3” Chip can assist you with all sorts of tasks, depending on his mood. Try saying “Subscribe me to The Duckstack, Chip!”
Well. Hopefully that worked, or that could be real embarrassing. We aren’t exactly rocket scientists here. The thing is, we're on a pretty tight budget4 so Chip isn't exactly “fully featured” even though we say so on the box because apparently there's no law against that sort of thing. To be honest, we're pretty much just doing whatever we were doing before and calling it AI. That's what it means to be a tech startup. So enjoy your AI powered Duckstack, with Chip the defective imaginary AI to keep you company. It is important for your imagination to remember that he is friendly. Again, this AI does nothing, we just don't think anyone will take us seriously without it5. The Duckstack is a respectable publication.
High [sic] art
Snipes, snails, and puppy-dog tails
I’m not what you would call a music-goer6. I’ve only been to a few concerts in my life, and some were kind of fun though they were of course full of Drugs. I saw The Hush Sound live in slc and one of my early dates with my wife was a country concert with Lee Brice. With the right protection7, I suppose concerts can be fun and engaging experiences. The problem with concerts how I see it is, the artists are getting a bit big for their britches.
Longtime readers may know that pretty much everything is fake, or I guess more specifically everything is engineered. To eat you. Which means that when some artist or band gets big, they’re not writing their own music, they have a team putting together their content, a team putting together their persona, a team writing the lyrics and a producer putting samples together in maximally pop-y ways. So its not like the artist really does anything, they’re all actors. I suppose this describes politicians too. Essentially everything any celebrity does at any level is lip-syncing.
One time in high school my sister and I went to a Weezer/Panic at the Disco concert and it was a rather lackluster experience if I do say so myself. After a fun-ish if generic indie dude we had panic at the disco get up and instead of singing any songs the lead singer was like “okay I’m going to get on my SOAPBOX HERE” and then ranted about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for about 45 minutes. I think the subject was gays marriage, but honestly on a speech that long you start to lose quite a bit of focus or at least I did, and then they sang one crappy song really poorly and then got off the stage. Then weezer got up and did some song about doing drugs and then the most boring song I’ve ever heard, the type of song everyone pulls out their flashlight and waves it back and forth as if they are feeling something, and Weezer is what the people were there for but their performance was pretty boring too. Weezer didn’t really have a soap box but the whole thing felt very contrived and not-earnest8.
Most artists rise to popularity through a “who you know” sort of system rather than a “merit” system, and because of this I think they are a lot more likely to be ungrateful regarding their fans and more likely to for example waste an hour of their fans time910 lecturing them. Granted the panic guy left the church after watching porn and feeling guilty in high school so playing in Utah was probably pretty traumatizing to him, but it was still pretty offensive, I was offended on other people’s behalf, I wasn’t even mad he was mad at the church I was mad that he was wasting everyone’s time
But you find throughout music that the big bands act like they have some sort of duty to be “activists” and it is true enough that when you have a lot of ears then you ought to do something good with it, that is an understandable impulse. But when you abandon why you have the ears in the first place that is called selling out, which is a form of abuse.
When you consider the amount of drugs bands do and the fact that they’ve sold their souls, the behavior makes sense. Both of these and in general the circles they run in are what I might call “risk factors” for not respecting people. But also a lot of people given unearned power, who then don't grow up to merit it, become very spoiled, which is I think the right word for all this. Tantrum/Bullying sort of behavior, which we know from childrens shows is often performed from a place of inadequacy, “they put others down to lift themselves up”.
A lot of people will repeat lines they heard celebrities say, and chant slogans they heard celebrities chant. So you can see that celebrities and the whole peanuts and circus has some real power. But you can be in the world without being of it, without the world touching you. The first step is to view it all as theatre, performed for you, or their superiors, or in the most poignant cases, themselves. This is the dynamic that permeates most strongly “the celebrity caste” which is why I try not to pay any attention to them. The only people who are real are ones I can hit with a hammer11 and that’s just the way the rule of thumb has got to be.
History
A screaming child in hand is worth three screaming children in the bushes far away from you, or something
We got a present for the new baby. Jethro was very excited and the second she woke up he just kind of threw the present on her. We all stared for a couple of seconds and Jethro said “I think she needs a little help opening it”
Jethro: “You know how elephants give hugs? With their trunks! They just wrap you around with them!”
Jethro keeps asking to sleep with his art. Like coloring books and stuff. He doesn’t really color them he just likes having them.
Jethro: “Get me in fast before I freeze to deaf!” Me: “You're already deaf, Jethro.”
Toddler getting a haircut: “ow. Ow. Ow.” with a little smile each snip
Toddler: “oh no my body’s gone” child what are you PLAYING
Toddler to his sister: “She's a robot! Robot baby sister!” What does he know?!?
Toddler wanting to hold his baby sister. “I neeed it! Mama I need it!” hands him the baby: “Thanks!”
infant: Kick kick, suck thumb. Wow. Delicious fingers. STREEETCH. I love imaging milk.
Animal Facts
Some quick truths for you to print and hide in your fortune cookies
The Cuttlefish: Known for its ability to be packed like sardines
Flamingo: This rare bird can achieve 60 miles per hour, and when scared they insert their long pink necks into the dirt, and suck up all the ants with their powerful vacuum suction. When they are inert they stand on one foot, and are called “Flamingon’t”
Rats: Have you ever heard the phrase, “Rats”? It means disappointment, like when your frisbee gets stuck in a tree. The origin of this phrase is the humble rat, which never seems to be big enough to do meaningful damage to a car. Rats, like rodents, have two whiskers, two sets of paws, zero sets of claws, buckteeth, and a little robin hood cap (robin hood cap not included). Rats are known for their intelligence, which is barely enough to solve a simple maze and not even enough to speak english.
Rabbit: Everyone knows rabbits are good at multiplication, but did you know rabbits are also good at division? Inside each rabbit is millions of cells which divide in two so that the organism can grow. We call this process “mitosis”, and its a serious problem in the cancer community.
Grasshoppers: Grasshoppers make music with their legs, like you make music with a violin. however, their legs only have like 2 notes, and your violin has many more, so they’re a little behind the evolutionary curve, according to scientists. Chickens find them delicious.
DUCKSNAX
Horse
######EXPERIMENTAL FEATURE BE CAREFUL#######
In a happy, “As an virtual assistant it isn’t appropriate for me to express feelings of rage” type of a way
I’ve yet to come up with a satisfying slur for these guys. Silvals? silshots? silvalshots?
TM C R Patent Pending OC Do Not Steal
The Duckstack continues to make zero money
As opposed to how seriously everyone already takes us
Maybe you would call me that. Chip probably would.
nuclear weaponry and other things the pentagon would classify as “deterrent”
When I have friends share their music with me, performed in the privacy of a home, there is a great deal of intimacy so perhaps I am spoiled. But I also know that it is in fact possible to achieve that same level in a public performance, most artists just… Don’t.
in a concert of 1000 people that’s 41 days, or an entire month of time wasted. I could have a lot of fun with a month of time.
I could write four duckstacks
Or, you know, play board games with. Whatever floats your boat
Loved, loved every single word of this Duckstack! Very relatable & enjoyable read! You have an amazing command of the English language and your writing flows beautifully. Love all the new stuff too. Thanks for taking us along w/ you on the journey of life and helping us to keep things in perspective better and to remember to enjoy and appreciate the small stuff and empathize and help one another through the hard stuff--life as it is and also how it ought to be. Pls create a link button, so those who want to support your writing can! Have you ever considered putting your writings in chronological order in a book format?
Not even sure if you want paid subscribers but I went to pay for a subscription but saw it wasn’t an option