Stroll Toll
In a shortage of legs, you're charged 5 cents/step
Your body is a duckstack
In the dark ages, there was no electricity, which is where it got its name. But more importantly, they had no printing press, and so important books and scriptures were transcribed by hand, with monks and priests and proto-journalists1 meticulously transcribing books by hand, with a feather quill, which served to ease the strain because feathers are soft. And The Duckstack preserves this tradition to this day. Our very own Duckstack monk, Frank, carefully writes a copy of each Duckstack2 for posterity. We then place them in glass bottles through a pressure sealing process, and throw them into the ocean.
This serves several purposes- First, it gets rid of excess bottles, which without intervention would pile up into eternity which we learn from babel is a sin, second people on deserted islands, floating on shipwreck detritus, and prophets trapped in fishes rely on our newsletter for entertainment and an escape from drudgery, and third, it is very satisfying for everyone except Frank, who cries every time.
You may find this wasteful, but there's no way to tell what type of literature will be the next dead sea scrolls. The future belongs to those who show up.
The Ballpoint Pen
In answer to the question, “Is the pen mightier, or the sword?”
The ballpoint pen is a traditional Chinese martial weapon hailing from the 1900s. It consists of a simple pen, knife, and ball bound together by string which allows them to be swung about, and this gives it a very versatile functionality in combat. For example, if you need to stab someone, you can use the knife3, and if you then need to sign a legal document releasing yourself from liability, you can use the pen. The ball is strictly for entertainment purposes, although it can also be used as what professional yo-yo entertainers call “a counterweight”.
The ballpoint pen has been in use for many years no, and is still the weapon of first resort in office settings across the country, although due to most offices “no weapons, no fun” policies, the knife and ball are stripped off for simplicity. However, we do not rename them, because in any given ballpoint pen there remains both a ball, and a point, in the ink rolling mechanism, which is robust enough to even allow writing in zero gravity, in case you need to release yourself from combat reliability on the international space station.
Ballpoint pens come in a variety of colors and styles and brands, such as: red, or blue. If you’re part of a classic dojo, these colors would correspond to your achieved combat level, and so in a competition for example if you were a blue belt you would only be allowed to use a blue ball point pen. Some more modern studios do away with this in order to decrease stigma and discrimination, which is why everyone is saying ballpoint pens have gone woke. This just goes to show that you really can’t get away from this stuff, and the personal really is political. This is, ironically, one of the reasons for carrying a ballpoint pen in the first place. Because you never know what sort of arguments you'll be getting into in this day and age, its important to stay strapped. Be ready for anything. Carry a ballpoint pen.
CONFLICT OF INTEREST DISCLOSURE: This has been an unpaid promotion by The Duckstack and does not necessarily reflect the views of “Big Ballpoint” or any of their affiliates. Ballpoint or whoever runs it is not liable for any harm or accident that comes to you as a result of reading this article, which they proved conclusively by defeating me in a duel. Trademark, Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Ballpoint pens are Known by the State of California to cause Cancer. I assume California won that duel.
Nehemiah’s Square
Guard your habits.4
One thing about habits is that they are easy to break but pretty hard to form, and, at least for me, breaking a habit a single time tends to break it permanently, which is why The Duckstack is published on Tuesdays at midnight, rather than Tuesday mornings- because I didn't keep my Monday writing schedule *one time*5. Any number of excuses can pop up and in the end the only thing that preserves a habit is either raw determination or routine, and one of those things is way easier than the other.
Raw determination, is in fact, an incredibly fickle thing. How you feel in the moment is determined by far more than your ideology- your circumstances, how much sleep you got the night before, whether you are full or hungry, your hormone balance- you must seize the day when you feel the spirit to do so because to do otherwise risks an uphill every other day of your entire life. However, raw determination is a very powerful resource, and when you have strong emotions then many things are far easier than they normally are.
But routine is a fascinating thing- in routine, you can store emotions. Careful consistency anchors what started the routine in the first place. When you need the emotions later they'll still be there, because they've been preserved through certain forms and rites.
Latter-Day Saints are the last temple building people. Maybe there are others, somewhere else in the world, but certainly not in the west. I think because it takes a certain audacity. So I think we have a sort of unique understanding of holy ground. Moses was told to remove his shoes, and the mere act of ascending the mountain caused lightning and fires. And Latter-Day Saints are commanded to stand in holy places67. We are also commanded to build holy places.
A temple is, definitionally, a sort of house, a house of God, but its a house with a purpose. Latter-Day Saint vocabulary uses the word “consecration” to describe this phenomenon, where something is set apart and dedicated and purpose is breathed into it. That purpose is supposed to also leave with you when you leave the place, where the promises you make to serve God and the feeling you get when doing so is supposed to come with you. The purpose you leave with is brought along both literally and symbolically by the new underclothing Latter-Day Saints receive there. And through the oaths we swear to our God and the garments we take with us, the temple is taken with us as well. Thus “Your body is a temple” means more than just a special thing you shouldn’t vandalize. Latter-Day Saints stand in holy places. We also create holy places. Consecrated ground, aspirationally, is wherever we are. If you’re wearing the priesthood uniform under your clothes, everything within 30 feet of you is temple grounds. That’s how I think of it. If you serve a holy God, you would want to carry that sort of holiness with you. It should be natural and in all these things the external forms enforce structure on the internal feeling- it lets you preserve emotion in amber, just the same as routine. A stored attitude that’s there when you need it later, either to avoid temptation or to commit righteousness.
I would propose that a habit is a sort of a temple. You can see this in videos of, for example, gentiles making coffee, going through all these ornate procedures to sift the correct grainage of sugar into the machine, or whatever(I have no idea how coffee is made). They obviously have a ton of reverence for the process. But also things like waiting in line at the same coffee shop every day, I’ve noticed coffee drinkers take a lot of comfort in that sort of a thing. The routines of our lives set a sort of scaffolding that you can build the rest of your day on.
One of the things I believe about spirit is that it is not very malleable. Kind of a law of entropy, that people have a tendency to “revert to the mean”. But when you build a habit, a good one, you build a fence around yourself that resists the natural tendency to decay. This is also the principle behind things like mantras- “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” or whatever. I think everyone has had the experience of pushing through to do something that they were really having trouble starting, but then, starting again next time is easier.
One last thought. When I returned from my mission, like most missionaries, I experienced some whiplash from the transfer of a 100% spiritual environment to a mostly temporal one, and I think, like most returned missionaries, I thought “how can I keep close to God despite all these new concerns about jobs and dating and entertainment that I didn’t have to deal with for two years but now am immersed in”, and God told me very plainly, and the answer surprised me. What he told me was to pray over my food. That’s something that most people kind of do, but I think most people shy away from doing so in public, even if its one of those personal “in their head” sort of prayers. Or maybe its just me and its easy to forget. But praying over your food, according to what God told me, is extremely important, something so important that he tells us to do so in the temple. And as I followed his advice I found that those extra routine prayers did work, it injected just a little more spirituality, and that habit, particularly a habit of holiness, the habit of turning my thoughts sincerely to God in strange places during meal times, kept me oriented towards and close to him. It is a small thing, but it adds up to a great difference. Which is another theme that’s found all throughout the Bible, both in the Davids slaying the Goliaths, and in the sabbaths and the feast days. Routine is how God transforms our spirits.
Scopeoscopes
Eye see you8
Everyone does astrology going off of reading the stars. When you think about it, this is silly, because stars are like, way out there right?9 So a better approach would be something that’s right up next to your eyeball, that would be the closest thing to derive a reading from, correct?
Telescope: If you’re a telescope looker, you’re what optometrists call “far-sighted”. Your best bet is Lasik surgery, permanent (surgically implanted) glasses, or to never have to maneuver around anything 4.2465 light years or nearer.
Sniper Scope: Majestic and cunning, your reflexes probably enable you to snap 180 degrees and headshot without looking10. Where does that leave you? Banned for aimbotting. Start getting your appeals in order now to avoid the rush.
Spyglass: Younger and hipper than most telescopes, you’re portable, agile, and seasick. With some luck, it will be over soon, but be warned that there is a whole new set of challenges waiting you on land. Particularly: hallways filled with arrow traps.
Thermal Scope: Everybody sees things through their scopes slightly differently, but none more than you, who (and I don’t know how this works) isn’t even seeing light at all, but heat. Imagine if you got bionic sensors installed in your fingers that let you feel heat. You could use that to detect a lot of things closed to your senseless brethren, such as if the stove is on. We recommend: Press the advantage. Light everything on fire11.
Stethoscope: For the blind, this scope lets you see with your ears, which you could already do if you had put stat points in echolocation, but you didn’t think that far ahead. I hope your extra two points of CHAR were worth it. Regardless, if you’re blind you shouldn’t be reading The Duckstack anyway. Put it away and pay attention to where you’re walking.
Microscope: Small minded and away from normal people, your coworkers might describe you as “Terrifyingly shy.” Get outside of your box sometimes. Try looking for a different perspective or just using your scope as a weapon. Shyness won’t save you in a zombie apocalypse, friend.
Monocle: Where the telescope and the spyglass both have you peering through one eye, the monocle user tends to squint, but with both eyes. This means getting two contradictory streams of information, a state of paradox and stress that’s unsustainable over a long period of time. Monocles: Remember to get some rest. There’s plenty of time to posh around in the morning.
Periscope: Huh? Where did you go?
History
The toddler is getting more attention than ever, which has successfully decreased his energy by 2%
Toddler brought us “the rectangle moneys” (credit cards that he pilfered from mama’s wallet)
The toddler has enjoyed singing new songs and observations about his sister. He has a song that goes like this: “Tiny ears. the baby has tiny ears.” This causes him to stop singing because he realizes, and tells us with wonder: “I have tiny ears too.”
Toddler hates when food breaks, crumbles, or is otherwise no longer whole. The wrapper fell off his cheeseburger which caused an absolute melt down, exclaiming: “cheeseburger is outta batteries!”
Toddler after pouring flour into a mixing bowl: “Its cake now!”
The toddler has gained a fascination with bones. He points to our shoulders, bones? Bones? Yes baby there’s bones. And then we point and go “you have them too.” And he grasps his chest frantically and screams, “No! That’s my bones!”. Child. She is not going to take them!
Toddler also has a fun new hobby where he shoves giant lego pieces in his mouth and gets them stuck and cries until someone helps him get them out. He’s played this game like three times so far.
One of the toddler’s toes talking to the other: “I’m not a monster, I’m a toe!” I imagine toes would need this sort of thing clarified for them.
Things to bob for
Are you, like me, a bob? Lets get to it.
Apples
wishing coins
goldfish
Treasure
Landmines
Car Tire
Your Phone
Water
Ducksnax
Fish
Experimental Feature be careful
nobody could read, so they had it rough
or at least we think that's what he's doing. Nobody can read his handwriting.
or the pen, or the ball really if you throw it hard enough
Nehemiah 10:29 They clave to their brethren, their nobles, and entered into a curse, and into an oath, to walk in God’s law, which was given by Moses the servant of God, and to observe and do all the commandments of the Lord our Lord, and his judgements and his statutes
Hopefully I'm just abnormally prone to bad habits but if that's not you then congrats on everything in life being easier
D&C 87:8 Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, sayeth the Lord. Amen.
D&C 45:32 But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved; but among the wicked, men shall lift up their voices and curse God and die.
You see Eye
Excluding the ones that are painted on
If you can’t nobody’s perfect but work on it
FBI: This is not a “threat” or “encouraging violence.” This is what’s known as a “literary device.”